Dec 2006
"Christmas: 'you know... for kids!'"
Tuesday, December 26, 2006 Filed in: my life
| deep thoughts
Christmas this year was different from every other
year in a lot of different ways. if you've been
reading my blogs, i'm sure you can guess that part of
it had to do with what's been going on in my personal
life lately. but today, i'm choosing to focus on the
part of Christmas that was different in a good way.
as many know, the Cork family has been living with my parents for the past four months as their house is being remodeled. (as Ella says, their house is "broken." three year-olds have such a great way of simplifying things.) anyway, it's been pretty awesome to have them there. but Christmas took it to a whole new level.
at some point, Christmas started to become sort of a letdown. i mean, when you're a kid, you have all the build-up and anticipation of this holiday that (from a commercial standpoint... though i suppose from a spiritual one as well in a way) is all about you. what would Santa bring me? what would my parents get me? what would i get to eat? what would our family do? and on and on.
but, as we grow older, the excitment... the magic... it grows less potent. we remember the excitement of Christmas days past, but the present never seems to match it. at least, not for me. that is, until now.
my family decided that we'd do all of our presents on Christmas Eve so that Christmas morning would be all about the kids. for the first time in years, i got caught up in the excitement. only this time, from the other side of the Claus (as it were). i played with the kids on Christmas Eve and helped build the anticipation for the next morning. i stayed up late with Matthew and Mardi and my family and we carefully placed each gift that Santa brought the three kids. (as is quite predictable, some assembly was required as i put out Ella's Little People Castle with drawbridge action and trumpet sounds.) i grew anxious for the next morning as i hadn't in years as we decided upon the optimal placement for these gifts in order to illicit the greatest amount of joy, surprise and excitement from the kids the next morning. it was fantastic!
Matthew and i made the stupid mistake of staying up until 1:00am in the jacuzzi. this was stupid of course because children like to get up REALLY early on Christmas morning to rush downstairs and find what Santa has left for them. the ironic thing though was that i was so excited for them to come down, that i woke up about every 1/2 hour during the night as i slept on the couch because i wanted to make sure that i didn't miss a single thing. in the end, i was up at 6:00am waiting for them and they didn't come down until 7:00. (apparently, my dad got caught up in it too. he was up at 5:45.)
of course the moment came... the children came down. Nolan saw his Nintendo DS and literally fell over with excitment. (just as i did at his age, he quickly disregarded any clothing gifts without even so much as a glance.) Sophie was elated about her rollerblades and her (somewhat creepy) doll whos hair and makeup she can do over and over with the included accessories. and Ella... well, she was so caught up in the excitment of the day that it didn't really matter what she got. seeing her dolls and her Little People Castle with the drawbridge action and the trumpet sounds just added to it. and when she saw the ballerina outfit... well, let's just say she went from pajamas to naked to ballerina in about 24 seconds.
i had more fun just taking pictures and sitting back and watching them tear through it all than i think i ever had being on the receiving end when i was a kid.
when i was little, i remember thinking how boring it must be for parents on Christmas Day. they don't get much (besides clothes and house stuff that nobody wants). they just get to watch the kids get all the good stuff. my perspective has changed a bit over the past 20 years. parents are lucky... i think they actually get the better end of the deal. i can't wait until i get to have Christmas with my own kids.
the rest of Christmas was a little more normal. the family came. we had way too much food. i ate way to much of the food. and, of course there was the inherent sadness of it being the first holiday in several years without Stacy. but, all-in-all... being able to focus on the kids made up for (or at least distracted me from) the things that were missing.
anyway, i hope your Christmas was as good (or better) than mine and that you were able to feel as blessed as i was.
matt
ps... the "you know... for kids!" in the title of this blog is from a movie called "The Hudsucker Proxy" which is this quirkly, great movie about the invention of the hoola-hoop. check it out if you get the chance.
as many know, the Cork family has been living with my parents for the past four months as their house is being remodeled. (as Ella says, their house is "broken." three year-olds have such a great way of simplifying things.) anyway, it's been pretty awesome to have them there. but Christmas took it to a whole new level.
at some point, Christmas started to become sort of a letdown. i mean, when you're a kid, you have all the build-up and anticipation of this holiday that (from a commercial standpoint... though i suppose from a spiritual one as well in a way) is all about you. what would Santa bring me? what would my parents get me? what would i get to eat? what would our family do? and on and on.
but, as we grow older, the excitment... the magic... it grows less potent. we remember the excitement of Christmas days past, but the present never seems to match it. at least, not for me. that is, until now.
my family decided that we'd do all of our presents on Christmas Eve so that Christmas morning would be all about the kids. for the first time in years, i got caught up in the excitement. only this time, from the other side of the Claus (as it were). i played with the kids on Christmas Eve and helped build the anticipation for the next morning. i stayed up late with Matthew and Mardi and my family and we carefully placed each gift that Santa brought the three kids. (as is quite predictable, some assembly was required as i put out Ella's Little People Castle with drawbridge action and trumpet sounds.) i grew anxious for the next morning as i hadn't in years as we decided upon the optimal placement for these gifts in order to illicit the greatest amount of joy, surprise and excitement from the kids the next morning. it was fantastic!
Matthew and i made the stupid mistake of staying up until 1:00am in the jacuzzi. this was stupid of course because children like to get up REALLY early on Christmas morning to rush downstairs and find what Santa has left for them. the ironic thing though was that i was so excited for them to come down, that i woke up about every 1/2 hour during the night as i slept on the couch because i wanted to make sure that i didn't miss a single thing. in the end, i was up at 6:00am waiting for them and they didn't come down until 7:00. (apparently, my dad got caught up in it too. he was up at 5:45.)
of course the moment came... the children came down. Nolan saw his Nintendo DS and literally fell over with excitment. (just as i did at his age, he quickly disregarded any clothing gifts without even so much as a glance.) Sophie was elated about her rollerblades and her (somewhat creepy) doll whos hair and makeup she can do over and over with the included accessories. and Ella... well, she was so caught up in the excitment of the day that it didn't really matter what she got. seeing her dolls and her Little People Castle with the drawbridge action and the trumpet sounds just added to it. and when she saw the ballerina outfit... well, let's just say she went from pajamas to naked to ballerina in about 24 seconds.
i had more fun just taking pictures and sitting back and watching them tear through it all than i think i ever had being on the receiving end when i was a kid.
when i was little, i remember thinking how boring it must be for parents on Christmas Day. they don't get much (besides clothes and house stuff that nobody wants). they just get to watch the kids get all the good stuff. my perspective has changed a bit over the past 20 years. parents are lucky... i think they actually get the better end of the deal. i can't wait until i get to have Christmas with my own kids.
the rest of Christmas was a little more normal. the family came. we had way too much food. i ate way to much of the food. and, of course there was the inherent sadness of it being the first holiday in several years without Stacy. but, all-in-all... being able to focus on the kids made up for (or at least distracted me from) the things that were missing.
anyway, i hope your Christmas was as good (or better) than mine and that you were able to feel as blessed as i was.
matt
ps... the "you know... for kids!" in the title of this blog is from a movie called "The Hudsucker Proxy" which is this quirkly, great movie about the invention of the hoola-hoop. check it out if you get the chance.
|
"an apology and a smiley face"
Saturday, December 23, 2006 Filed in: my life
| deep thoughts
anyway, i've got a new favorite song that i wanted to share. it's by Gnarls Barkley and it's called "Smiley Faces." it's got a great feel to it and all, but its got great lyrics too. (except maybe the bridge which sounds cool but has kinda dumb lyrics.) it's basically about a guy seeing someone who has had a rough life but who's still smiling and enjoying it all. (kinda the same message as "Beautiful Day" by some Irish band whos name i can't currently recall.) anyway... lyrics below.
"Smiley Faces"
what did you do?
what did you say?
did you walk or did you run away?
where are you now?
where have you been?
did you go alone or did you bring a friend?
i need to know this
cuz i noticed you were smiling
out in the sun having fun
feeling free
and i can tell you know how hard this life can be
but you keep on smiling for me
what went right?
what went wrong?
was it a story or was it a song?
was it overnight or did it take you long?
was knowing your weakness what made you strong?
or all the above?
oh how i love to see you smiling
and oh yeah... take a little pain just in case
you need something warm to embrace
to help you put on a smiling face
put on a smiling face
don't you go off into the new day with any doubt
here's a summary of something you can smile about
say for instance my girlfriend she bugs me all the time
but the irony of it all is that she loves me all the time
i wanna be you whenever i see you smiling
because it's easily one of the hardest things to do
your worries and fears become your friends
and they end up smiling at you
put on a smiling face
-----
something for us all to aspire to, i'm sure.
have a great night and keep smiling...
matt
"all you need is love"
Tuesday, December 19, 2006 Filed in: deep thoughts
i've been thinking a lot about love lately. (because,
i'm told, it's all you need.) it's made me realize
that our language kinda sucks. i mean... most other
languages have several words for love in it's many
forms and varieties. there are so many different
types of love out there and we just have one word to
cover them all. most people think everyone is after
the romantic type of love. and sure... they are. but
i don't think that's the one people NEED. when it
really comes down to it, people want and need another
kind of love. the love that is a choice. we want
people to CHOOSE to love us. probably that's a big
reason why i'm a Christian. let me explain.
we all want love. and if you think about it, the times when you're pissed off at someone for some reason, it's because they didn't love you. they didn't show you respect, or kindness, or selflessness, or they weren't patient with you, or they didn't accept you for who you are. it happens all the time. this, of course, is because people suck sometimes. people are imperfect and majorly flawed. and as much as we like to think WE would NEVER do that to anyone else... we do. all the time.
so, we're all wandering around this planet trying to find love wherever we can get it. and that's okay. but the ironic thing is, the one place that it's offered perfectly and freely, most people pass by. and even those of us who don't, we aren't satisfied with it a lot of the time. of course i'm talking about God.
so, here's the situation as i see it. there is a God who has chosen to create us... chosen to stick with us even when we spit in His face... chosen to go above and beyond to give us another chance. and there are people everywhere who are incapable of loving perfectly. incapable of ALWAYS showing love to us. incapable of being there for us all the time. and yet... we choose to try and find that love in the people instead of where we could actually find it. not only do we choose people... but we depend on them and are always hurt so badly when we're let down.
according to God, He IS love (1 John 4:8 amongst other places). and He defines love as being patient, kind, not envious, not boastful, not proud, not rude, not self-seeking, not easily angered, not keeping a record of wrongs, not delighting in evil, rejoicing in truth, always protecting, always trusting, always hopeful, always perservering and never failing (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). (in fact, in that verse, you could replace the word "love" with the word "God" and you suddenly have His defining features.) the interesting thing is... those are all things that one CHOOSES to do or not do. to be or not be. they aren't feelings that we just have. God doesn't love us because we're just so great that He can't help but love us... He loves us because He just simply IS love. He doesn't even have to choose to love us. He just IS patient and kind and all of those things. i feel like i don't know anyone who fits that bill. and yet, that's what we expect from each other and refuse from Him.
don't get me wrong... people are capable of those things. and those are amazing things to strive for and we should be striving for them. but we cannot realistically, with the screwed up state of this world and the screwed up state of the human heart, expect people, even the best of them, to demonstrate that perfect love all the time. i wish we could. i wish i could know beyond a shadow of a doubt that people would accept me completely for who i am. (and i'm a VERY open person. i can't imagine what it must be like for those who are much more private.) but it's just not realistic.
so, as Christians we strive to be more like the Biblical definition of love. (which, even if you don't believe, you have to admit is a pretty good definition.) in doing so, we're striving to be more like Him. and that's all He asks of us. the show His love to those around us. (of course, Christians, as an organization, fail at this more than we succeed i think. how badly have we screwed up God's message to this world?)
so, maybe John, Paul, George and Ringo really were onto something. maybe all you really need is Love. let's just be realistic about where it's coming from.
--matt
ps... if you're into the Beatles (and who isn't?)... George Martin (their original manager and producer) just spent a few years reworking some of the original recordings to be used in a Cirque du Soleil show in Vegas entitled "Love" and they just released the soundtrack. it's really cool the way he "mashed up" some of the songs together and it's been getting fantastic reviews.
we all want love. and if you think about it, the times when you're pissed off at someone for some reason, it's because they didn't love you. they didn't show you respect, or kindness, or selflessness, or they weren't patient with you, or they didn't accept you for who you are. it happens all the time. this, of course, is because people suck sometimes. people are imperfect and majorly flawed. and as much as we like to think WE would NEVER do that to anyone else... we do. all the time.
so, we're all wandering around this planet trying to find love wherever we can get it. and that's okay. but the ironic thing is, the one place that it's offered perfectly and freely, most people pass by. and even those of us who don't, we aren't satisfied with it a lot of the time. of course i'm talking about God.
so, here's the situation as i see it. there is a God who has chosen to create us... chosen to stick with us even when we spit in His face... chosen to go above and beyond to give us another chance. and there are people everywhere who are incapable of loving perfectly. incapable of ALWAYS showing love to us. incapable of being there for us all the time. and yet... we choose to try and find that love in the people instead of where we could actually find it. not only do we choose people... but we depend on them and are always hurt so badly when we're let down.
according to God, He IS love (1 John 4:8 amongst other places). and He defines love as being patient, kind, not envious, not boastful, not proud, not rude, not self-seeking, not easily angered, not keeping a record of wrongs, not delighting in evil, rejoicing in truth, always protecting, always trusting, always hopeful, always perservering and never failing (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). (in fact, in that verse, you could replace the word "love" with the word "God" and you suddenly have His defining features.) the interesting thing is... those are all things that one CHOOSES to do or not do. to be or not be. they aren't feelings that we just have. God doesn't love us because we're just so great that He can't help but love us... He loves us because He just simply IS love. He doesn't even have to choose to love us. He just IS patient and kind and all of those things. i feel like i don't know anyone who fits that bill. and yet, that's what we expect from each other and refuse from Him.
don't get me wrong... people are capable of those things. and those are amazing things to strive for and we should be striving for them. but we cannot realistically, with the screwed up state of this world and the screwed up state of the human heart, expect people, even the best of them, to demonstrate that perfect love all the time. i wish we could. i wish i could know beyond a shadow of a doubt that people would accept me completely for who i am. (and i'm a VERY open person. i can't imagine what it must be like for those who are much more private.) but it's just not realistic.
so, as Christians we strive to be more like the Biblical definition of love. (which, even if you don't believe, you have to admit is a pretty good definition.) in doing so, we're striving to be more like Him. and that's all He asks of us. the show His love to those around us. (of course, Christians, as an organization, fail at this more than we succeed i think. how badly have we screwed up God's message to this world?)
so, maybe John, Paul, George and Ringo really were onto something. maybe all you really need is Love. let's just be realistic about where it's coming from.
--matt
ps... if you're into the Beatles (and who isn't?)... George Martin (their original manager and producer) just spent a few years reworking some of the original recordings to be used in a Cirque du Soleil show in Vegas entitled "Love" and they just released the soundtrack. it's really cool the way he "mashed up" some of the songs together and it's been getting fantastic reviews.
"window in the skies"
Tuesday, December 19, 2006 Filed in: deep thoughts
to go piggyback off of the blog i posted about 20
seconds ago... i had another thought that goes right
along with what i said.
i've had this new U2 song "Window in the Skies" (off their new greatest hits album, U218 Singles) stuck in my head since the day it came out and i first heard it. (actually, the day after Stacy and i broke up.) this is a band who totally gets what i was talking about in the "All You Need is Love" blog. they sing about it... but they live it too.
look at the amazing things Bono's chosen to do with his fame. he has literally changed the world in huge ways. he's saved thousands of lives (or more) through the Drop the Debt, One, (product)red and Make Poverty History campaigns. he could easily be selfish and just enjoy being famous and successful... but he's chosen to leverage what he has to make a difference and show God's love in this world. and he's made it very easy for you and i to get involved. (www.joinred.com or www.one.org or www.data.org or www.makepovertyhistory.org or www.musicrising.org)
anyway... U2 has a tendancy to weave Christian themes into their music. (have you ever really listened to the lyrics of "Vertigo," or "Mysterious Ways?") this song, "Window in the Skies," is pretty blatantly about the story of God's love for us. (and it's sorta Beatles-esque in its sound.) here are the lyrics...
"Window in the Skies"
the shackles are undone
the bullet's quit the gun
the heat that's in the sun
will keep us when there's none
the rule has been disproved
the stone it has been moved
the grave is now a groove
all debts are removed
oh can't you see what love has done?
oh can't you see what love has done?
oh can't you see what love has done?
what it's done to me?
love makes strange enemies
makes love where love may please
the soul and it's striptease
hate brought to it's knees
the sky over our head
we can reach it from our bed
you let me in your heart
and out of my head
oh can't you see what love has done?
oh can't you see what love has done?
oh can't you see what love has done?
what it's done to me
please don't ever let me out of you
i've got no shame. oh no. oh no.
oh can't you see what love has done?
oh can't you see what love has done?
oh can't you see what love has done?
what it's doing to me
i know i hurt you and i made you cry
did everything but murder you and i
but, love left a window in the skies
and to love i rhapsodize
to every broken heart
for every heart that cries
love left a window in the skies
and to love i rhapsodize
i've had this new U2 song "Window in the Skies" (off their new greatest hits album, U218 Singles) stuck in my head since the day it came out and i first heard it. (actually, the day after Stacy and i broke up.) this is a band who totally gets what i was talking about in the "All You Need is Love" blog. they sing about it... but they live it too.
look at the amazing things Bono's chosen to do with his fame. he has literally changed the world in huge ways. he's saved thousands of lives (or more) through the Drop the Debt, One, (product)red and Make Poverty History campaigns. he could easily be selfish and just enjoy being famous and successful... but he's chosen to leverage what he has to make a difference and show God's love in this world. and he's made it very easy for you and i to get involved. (www.joinred.com or www.one.org or www.data.org or www.makepovertyhistory.org or www.musicrising.org)
anyway... U2 has a tendancy to weave Christian themes into their music. (have you ever really listened to the lyrics of "Vertigo," or "Mysterious Ways?") this song, "Window in the Skies," is pretty blatantly about the story of God's love for us. (and it's sorta Beatles-esque in its sound.) here are the lyrics...
"Window in the Skies"
the shackles are undone
the bullet's quit the gun
the heat that's in the sun
will keep us when there's none
the rule has been disproved
the stone it has been moved
the grave is now a groove
all debts are removed
oh can't you see what love has done?
oh can't you see what love has done?
oh can't you see what love has done?
what it's done to me?
love makes strange enemies
makes love where love may please
the soul and it's striptease
hate brought to it's knees
the sky over our head
we can reach it from our bed
you let me in your heart
and out of my head
oh can't you see what love has done?
oh can't you see what love has done?
oh can't you see what love has done?
what it's done to me
please don't ever let me out of you
i've got no shame. oh no. oh no.
oh can't you see what love has done?
oh can't you see what love has done?
oh can't you see what love has done?
what it's doing to me
i know i hurt you and i made you cry
did everything but murder you and i
but, love left a window in the skies
and to love i rhapsodize
to every broken heart
for every heart that cries
love left a window in the skies
and to love i rhapsodize
"and i miss you when you're not around..."
Monday, December 11, 2006 Filed in: my life
of course U2 was
awesome. but this may have been the most bittersweet
experience of my life. Kit was a great traveling
companion, but, as he said last night, he wasn't "as
good as the cute, Asian girl."
the trip started off alright enough. we got up at the buttcrack of dawn on Saturday and drove to LAX (both Kit and i on about 3-4 hours of sleep). we tried to sleep on the plane, but were surrounded by noise-making children. 5 1/2 hours later... we got to Honolulu.
after a quick lunch at Cheeseburger in Paradise (not as good as the one on Maui), we made our way to Joe's friend's house where we were staying. when we got there, we both crashed for about 2 hours which turned out to be a really great thing. Julie (Joe's friend) was way cool and totally took care of us. in fact, it turns out that she had agreed to drop some friends of hers off at the concert (and pick them up), so we now had a ride and wouldn't have to pay for a cab.
turns out the friends of hers had asked her to drive because they were planning on partying it up before the show. by the time we picked these four girls up, they were pretty well plastered. (strangely, as we talked to them, we learned that, despite looking about our age, they each were in their mid to late 30's and married with children. yet they often referenced how often they partied together.) after a long car ride (traffic was bad) that was offset by the very entertaining spectacle that was these girls, we finally got to the show.
it was fantastic, of course. you could tell that the band was having a blast and totally letting loose for their last show. Pearl Jam was the opening act, and they came back out for an encore with U2 of Neil Young's "Rockin' in the Free World." Billie Joe Armstrong from Green Day just happened to be there and so came up for a duet on "The Saints Are Coming" (the song U2 and Green Day recorded together recently). and all of this was awesome and amazing... except for one thing. Stacy wasn't with me.
i tried to focus on the show and on the night and everything. and, at times, i was able to do that and just enjoy it. but those times were few and far between. most of the time i was thinking about how she should be there with me. this was our show. we'd been planning it forever.
a month ago, when she and i were talking about how we needed to start having some of the "hard conversations" about our relationship that we'd been avoiding and about how we needed to start figuring things out... i was very tempted to keep avoiding it for another month so that i could be sure that we'd be able to enjoy this trip togther still. maybe that would have been wrong... and maybe a weekend/event like this is good for making me move forward... i don't know. i just know that i wish she would've been there. it just wasn't the same without her.
so, to finish up the story of this trip... this morning, we slept in until about 9:30. the cab was coming to pick us up at 11:00 for a 2:20 flight. (they thought there would be bad traffic with the marathon going on.) well, we got to the airport in about 15 minutes! so we were three hours early for our flight. Kit and i got checked in and went to the food court where we figured we'd just hang out until we had to go.
i think we both thought that three hours would be a really long time. well, we started talking and eating and hanging out and the next thing we knew, i looked down and realized it was 2:00. our flight was leaving (from the other side of the airport) in 20 minutes. so, we grabbed our things and started making the trek across the airport. we arrived at our gate just in time to see the plane pulling away. (seriously.)
so, now we're like... "crap... what are we going to do?" well, we got put on standby for the next flight. unfortunately, the next flight wasn't until 10:30 pm. also, it looked like it was full and we weren't guaranteed a spot. we HAD to get home though because Kit has a final in the morning. so, after some quick internet work, i found out that there was only one other flight going to LAX between 2:30 and 10:30. it was an American flight leaving at 3:50. so, i called my dad (because he has a million miles with American and is like platinum or something over there)... and he made some calls and got us on the flight. so, we booked it over to that gate just in time to get on the flight and come home.
anyway, that was our weekend. now i have a day at home and then i'm off to Nashville for four days. from the warm tropics to the freezing midwest in 48 hours. life is crazy and i'm going to bed. i miss my best friend.
goodnight world.
matt
"and i miss you when you're not around" - U2 ("City of Blinding Lights")
ps... for those of you who have DirecTV, they're actually showing an hour's worth of the Milan show from the Vertigo Tour everyday on Channel 101 this month. it's in HiDef (if you have it) and it's worth checking out. it's an amazing tour and different from the indoor arena tour they did here last year.
the trip started off alright enough. we got up at the buttcrack of dawn on Saturday and drove to LAX (both Kit and i on about 3-4 hours of sleep). we tried to sleep on the plane, but were surrounded by noise-making children. 5 1/2 hours later... we got to Honolulu.
after a quick lunch at Cheeseburger in Paradise (not as good as the one on Maui), we made our way to Joe's friend's house where we were staying. when we got there, we both crashed for about 2 hours which turned out to be a really great thing. Julie (Joe's friend) was way cool and totally took care of us. in fact, it turns out that she had agreed to drop some friends of hers off at the concert (and pick them up), so we now had a ride and wouldn't have to pay for a cab.
turns out the friends of hers had asked her to drive because they were planning on partying it up before the show. by the time we picked these four girls up, they were pretty well plastered. (strangely, as we talked to them, we learned that, despite looking about our age, they each were in their mid to late 30's and married with children. yet they often referenced how often they partied together.) after a long car ride (traffic was bad) that was offset by the very entertaining spectacle that was these girls, we finally got to the show.
it was fantastic, of course. you could tell that the band was having a blast and totally letting loose for their last show. Pearl Jam was the opening act, and they came back out for an encore with U2 of Neil Young's "Rockin' in the Free World." Billie Joe Armstrong from Green Day just happened to be there and so came up for a duet on "The Saints Are Coming" (the song U2 and Green Day recorded together recently). and all of this was awesome and amazing... except for one thing. Stacy wasn't with me.
i tried to focus on the show and on the night and everything. and, at times, i was able to do that and just enjoy it. but those times were few and far between. most of the time i was thinking about how she should be there with me. this was our show. we'd been planning it forever.
a month ago, when she and i were talking about how we needed to start having some of the "hard conversations" about our relationship that we'd been avoiding and about how we needed to start figuring things out... i was very tempted to keep avoiding it for another month so that i could be sure that we'd be able to enjoy this trip togther still. maybe that would have been wrong... and maybe a weekend/event like this is good for making me move forward... i don't know. i just know that i wish she would've been there. it just wasn't the same without her.
so, to finish up the story of this trip... this morning, we slept in until about 9:30. the cab was coming to pick us up at 11:00 for a 2:20 flight. (they thought there would be bad traffic with the marathon going on.) well, we got to the airport in about 15 minutes! so we were three hours early for our flight. Kit and i got checked in and went to the food court where we figured we'd just hang out until we had to go.
i think we both thought that three hours would be a really long time. well, we started talking and eating and hanging out and the next thing we knew, i looked down and realized it was 2:00. our flight was leaving (from the other side of the airport) in 20 minutes. so, we grabbed our things and started making the trek across the airport. we arrived at our gate just in time to see the plane pulling away. (seriously.)
so, now we're like... "crap... what are we going to do?" well, we got put on standby for the next flight. unfortunately, the next flight wasn't until 10:30 pm. also, it looked like it was full and we weren't guaranteed a spot. we HAD to get home though because Kit has a final in the morning. so, after some quick internet work, i found out that there was only one other flight going to LAX between 2:30 and 10:30. it was an American flight leaving at 3:50. so, i called my dad (because he has a million miles with American and is like platinum or something over there)... and he made some calls and got us on the flight. so, we booked it over to that gate just in time to get on the flight and come home.
anyway, that was our weekend. now i have a day at home and then i'm off to Nashville for four days. from the warm tropics to the freezing midwest in 48 hours. life is crazy and i'm going to bed. i miss my best friend.
goodnight world.
matt
"and i miss you when you're not around" - U2 ("City of Blinding Lights")
ps... for those of you who have DirecTV, they're actually showing an hour's worth of the Milan show from the Vertigo Tour everyday on Channel 101 this month. it's in HiDef (if you have it) and it's worth checking out. it's an amazing tour and different from the indoor arena tour they did here last year.
"a quick trip cuz of drama"
Friday, December 08, 2006 Filed in: my life
as some of you know,
tomorrow i'm heading to Honolulu for the last stop on
the U2 Vertigo Tour. it's been such a
crazy/weird/dramatic/sad trip and i haven't even left
yet.
first... there were four of us going and it was in April. me and Stacy and two of our friends. then the tour got postponed. so that trip didn't happen. and we waited... and waited... and waited... for months to find out when it would be rescheduled.
then they announced it... Dec. 9th was the rescheduled date. we were very excited about this. until about a month ago when we got an e-mail from our friends saying they weren't going to go. but they didn't mention anything about the tickets at all. so, Stacy called them and found out that they'd already put the tickets on ebay, which we didn't think was very cool. they said that since they'd lost money on their airfare, they needed to make money on the tickets. knowing that Stacy and i couldn't simply go alone without causing a minory controversy (we do work at a church!), they offered to sell the tickets back to us for $50 more than we originally paid for them. (i had originally bought the tickets together and they paid me for them.) we thought that it was a little ridiculous that our friends (who had already bailed on us and put us in a bad situation) would then try to rip us off by selling us the tickets that we already bought back at a higher price. so, we declined and haven't really talked to them since. (the irony in all of this is that i can't imagine that they made any money on the tickets as there are still tickets of similar quality available for the regular price on ticketmaster.)
so now we have two tickets to the U2 concert and nobody to go with us. as we're processing how we should proceed, the next bit of drama hits and we break up. now, on top of mourning the loss of my relationship/friendship/life as i knew it, i've got two U2 tickets and nobody to go with. i wasn't even sure i should go. but, i felt like it would be the perfect chance to get away from the chaos of my life. i felt like i needed this. i've lost my friends. i've lost my girlfriend. this was all i had to look forward too. plus, i felt like if i'd asked Stacy, she would have insisted that i went. so, i was now, more than ever, determined to go.
so, i invited Brett. he couldn't go. i invited Megan. she couldn't go. i invited Joe. he couldn't go. i invited Jody. he couldn't go. i invited Kyle. he couldn't go. i invited Jonas. he couldn't go. i invited Adam. he couldn't go. then there was Kit... Kit said he could go!
so, last weekend, i booked the flights for Kit and i. we were to fly out Saturday morning and fly back on Sunday night on the redeye. but then Kit called me back... he had forgotten about his Monday morning grad school final. ahhhh! fortunately, there was an earlier flight that day and i got us changed over to it.
you'd probably think that's the end of the story... you'd be wrong. last Sunday i start checking into finding a room. remember... we only need one room for one night! the ENTIRE ISLAND IS BOOKED! not one single room. none. apparently, in addition to the thousands coming in for the U2 concert, there's some huge marathon going on too. fortuntately, i have friends who have friends who live in Honolulu.
so, tomorrow morning, Kit and i will depart LAX for Honolulu where we will arrive at 2:00, see U2, spend the night in some strangers' home, sleep in (i hope), get some lunch, and get on a plane at 2:00 on Sunday to come home. 24 hours in paradise. out of control.
i love U2 and i'm very excited for this concert... but holy crap. was this worth it? and i'm still sad that i'm not going with Stacy. this was supposed to be our trip. :-(
pray for us!
trying to make the best of a bad situation...
matt
first... there were four of us going and it was in April. me and Stacy and two of our friends. then the tour got postponed. so that trip didn't happen. and we waited... and waited... and waited... for months to find out when it would be rescheduled.
then they announced it... Dec. 9th was the rescheduled date. we were very excited about this. until about a month ago when we got an e-mail from our friends saying they weren't going to go. but they didn't mention anything about the tickets at all. so, Stacy called them and found out that they'd already put the tickets on ebay, which we didn't think was very cool. they said that since they'd lost money on their airfare, they needed to make money on the tickets. knowing that Stacy and i couldn't simply go alone without causing a minory controversy (we do work at a church!), they offered to sell the tickets back to us for $50 more than we originally paid for them. (i had originally bought the tickets together and they paid me for them.) we thought that it was a little ridiculous that our friends (who had already bailed on us and put us in a bad situation) would then try to rip us off by selling us the tickets that we already bought back at a higher price. so, we declined and haven't really talked to them since. (the irony in all of this is that i can't imagine that they made any money on the tickets as there are still tickets of similar quality available for the regular price on ticketmaster.)
so now we have two tickets to the U2 concert and nobody to go with us. as we're processing how we should proceed, the next bit of drama hits and we break up. now, on top of mourning the loss of my relationship/friendship/life as i knew it, i've got two U2 tickets and nobody to go with. i wasn't even sure i should go. but, i felt like it would be the perfect chance to get away from the chaos of my life. i felt like i needed this. i've lost my friends. i've lost my girlfriend. this was all i had to look forward too. plus, i felt like if i'd asked Stacy, she would have insisted that i went. so, i was now, more than ever, determined to go.
so, i invited Brett. he couldn't go. i invited Megan. she couldn't go. i invited Joe. he couldn't go. i invited Jody. he couldn't go. i invited Kyle. he couldn't go. i invited Jonas. he couldn't go. i invited Adam. he couldn't go. then there was Kit... Kit said he could go!
so, last weekend, i booked the flights for Kit and i. we were to fly out Saturday morning and fly back on Sunday night on the redeye. but then Kit called me back... he had forgotten about his Monday morning grad school final. ahhhh! fortunately, there was an earlier flight that day and i got us changed over to it.
you'd probably think that's the end of the story... you'd be wrong. last Sunday i start checking into finding a room. remember... we only need one room for one night! the ENTIRE ISLAND IS BOOKED! not one single room. none. apparently, in addition to the thousands coming in for the U2 concert, there's some huge marathon going on too. fortuntately, i have friends who have friends who live in Honolulu.
so, tomorrow morning, Kit and i will depart LAX for Honolulu where we will arrive at 2:00, see U2, spend the night in some strangers' home, sleep in (i hope), get some lunch, and get on a plane at 2:00 on Sunday to come home. 24 hours in paradise. out of control.
i love U2 and i'm very excited for this concert... but holy crap. was this worth it? and i'm still sad that i'm not going with Stacy. this was supposed to be our trip. :-(
pray for us!
trying to make the best of a bad situation...
matt
"another song from the past"
Wednesday, December 06, 2006 Filed in: random
musings
here's a song i heard yesterday that i haven't heard
in a long while. i used to listen to it in college a
lot. it's by a group called Caedmon's Call. i always
just loved the lyrics. i don't know what single
person can't relate to them.
"Table for Two"
Danny and I spent another late night over pancakes
We talked about soccer and how every man's just the same
And made speculations on the who's and the when's of our future
And how everyone's lonely, but still we just couldn't complain
And how we just hate being alone
Could I have missed my only chance?
And now I'm just wasting my time
Looking around
But you know I know better
I'm not gonna worry about nothin'
Cuz if the birds and the flowers survive then I'll make it okay
Given a chance and a rock see which one breaks a window
And see which one keeps me up all night and into the day
Because I'm so scared of being alone
That I forgot what house I live in
But it's not my job to wait by the phone
For her to call
This day's been crazy, but everything's happened on schedule
From the rain and the cold to the drink that I spilled on my shirt
Cuz You knew how You'd save me before I fell dead in the garden
And You knew this day long before You made me out of dirt
And You know the plans that you have for me
And You can't plan the ends and not plan the means
And so I suppose I just need some peace
Just to get me to sleep
* Derek Webb (who wrote this song) is now a happily married man and doesn't sing this song anymore.
-matt
"Table for Two"
Danny and I spent another late night over pancakes
We talked about soccer and how every man's just the same
And made speculations on the who's and the when's of our future
And how everyone's lonely, but still we just couldn't complain
And how we just hate being alone
Could I have missed my only chance?
And now I'm just wasting my time
Looking around
But you know I know better
I'm not gonna worry about nothin'
Cuz if the birds and the flowers survive then I'll make it okay
Given a chance and a rock see which one breaks a window
And see which one keeps me up all night and into the day
Because I'm so scared of being alone
That I forgot what house I live in
But it's not my job to wait by the phone
For her to call
This day's been crazy, but everything's happened on schedule
From the rain and the cold to the drink that I spilled on my shirt
Cuz You knew how You'd save me before I fell dead in the garden
And You knew this day long before You made me out of dirt
And You know the plans that you have for me
And You can't plan the ends and not plan the means
And so I suppose I just need some peace
Just to get me to sleep
* Derek Webb (who wrote this song) is now a happily married man and doesn't sing this song anymore.
-matt
"to blog... or not to blog"
Monday, December 04, 2006 Filed in: my life
two weeks ago right this minute... we were sitting
right there (i'm looking at a spot on the floor in my
room) when it happened. ever since then, as you
already well know, my life has been a blur of
confusion.
this
has been well documented here on my myspace blog (as
well as my other blog that nobody really reads).
normally, i would think what many of you probably
think (and what i know some of you think as you've
shared it with me... thank you) which is the fact
that so openly sharing my life on myspace is
borderline loser-ish.
however, due to the lack of regular companions in my life at this time, my blogs have been a great source of therapy for me. (really... they have!) but, today i had some thoughts about the situation that have caused me to rethink this blogging trend.
Stacy has asked me to not have any contact with her because that's what she needs in order to move on. i have done my best to make this happen. however, i know that she reads these reguarly. (hi) i guess i just worry that my writing these things is not helping her to let go. really... all i want is for her to be happy. and i know she isn't right now. if me not writing about these things can help her to get past this and be happier, then it's what i need to do. besides... come to think of it... it may not be helping me to let go either.
so... i'm not going to stop blogging like i normally do. that is to say, i'll blog sporadically about other things in life. but, i'm going to try and not talk about her and any pain i might be experiencing as a result of our break-up. i'm not over it... far from it. but, i've said everything that i can say to the point of repetition. is it really doing any good? i don't know. maybe for me. but i feel like it might be doing harm as well. and i don't want that.
so, for the last time for a while... here's how i'm feeling today in regards to Stacy:
i can't believe it's been two weeks. much like a week ago, in some ways it feels like a day... in some ways it feels like two years... in no way does it feel like two weeks. i can already see the good that God is bringing from this situation. i just wish it didn't come along with so much pain and loneliness. i think i've grown and learned more about myself in the past two weeks than i have in the past year. (which just reaffirms my theory that personal growth in relationships is pretty difficult to accomplish. but that's a whole other thing.) i miss Stacy terribly.
i actually saw her today from across the parking lot at church. she didn't know i was watching. only the second time i've seen her since we broke up. i just wanted to hear her say "hi" even. or just a hug. but she got in the car with Melissa and drove off to lunch. even Denise (who i was talking to at the time) could tell that it got to me.
i watched Heroes tonight.... an amazing new episode... and all i kept thinking was how much i wish we could have watched it together. she loves Hiro! (and, of course, during Studio 60, i missed the times that she would fall asleep because that's apparently what anything Aaron Sorkin related does to her.) ;-)
i miss my friend. i wish we could at least still be that. at least, on some level. maybe... hopefully... someday. until then... i'll just keep praying and living. the best that i can. one day at a time.
goodnight.
matt
ps... you know that if you ever need anything... someone to talk to... anything at all... i'm still here. and that goes for everyone else who's reading this too.
however, due to the lack of regular companions in my life at this time, my blogs have been a great source of therapy for me. (really... they have!) but, today i had some thoughts about the situation that have caused me to rethink this blogging trend.
Stacy has asked me to not have any contact with her because that's what she needs in order to move on. i have done my best to make this happen. however, i know that she reads these reguarly. (hi) i guess i just worry that my writing these things is not helping her to let go. really... all i want is for her to be happy. and i know she isn't right now. if me not writing about these things can help her to get past this and be happier, then it's what i need to do. besides... come to think of it... it may not be helping me to let go either.
so... i'm not going to stop blogging like i normally do. that is to say, i'll blog sporadically about other things in life. but, i'm going to try and not talk about her and any pain i might be experiencing as a result of our break-up. i'm not over it... far from it. but, i've said everything that i can say to the point of repetition. is it really doing any good? i don't know. maybe for me. but i feel like it might be doing harm as well. and i don't want that.
so, for the last time for a while... here's how i'm feeling today in regards to Stacy:
i can't believe it's been two weeks. much like a week ago, in some ways it feels like a day... in some ways it feels like two years... in no way does it feel like two weeks. i can already see the good that God is bringing from this situation. i just wish it didn't come along with so much pain and loneliness. i think i've grown and learned more about myself in the past two weeks than i have in the past year. (which just reaffirms my theory that personal growth in relationships is pretty difficult to accomplish. but that's a whole other thing.) i miss Stacy terribly.
i actually saw her today from across the parking lot at church. she didn't know i was watching. only the second time i've seen her since we broke up. i just wanted to hear her say "hi" even. or just a hug. but she got in the car with Melissa and drove off to lunch. even Denise (who i was talking to at the time) could tell that it got to me.
i watched Heroes tonight.... an amazing new episode... and all i kept thinking was how much i wish we could have watched it together. she loves Hiro! (and, of course, during Studio 60, i missed the times that she would fall asleep because that's apparently what anything Aaron Sorkin related does to her.) ;-)
i miss my friend. i wish we could at least still be that. at least, on some level. maybe... hopefully... someday. until then... i'll just keep praying and living. the best that i can. one day at a time.
goodnight.
matt
ps... you know that if you ever need anything... someone to talk to... anything at all... i'm still here. and that goes for everyone else who's reading this too.
"it's just instinct"
Sunday, December 03, 2006 Filed in: my life
| random
musings
so... one of the
reasons i've been having such a hard time with this
whole thing (and this is just one of many) is that
since there was no warning that the end was coming, i
didn't know that the last time we did things was
going to be the last time we did them.
little things. like going to lunch with our friends after church on Sunday. (we do it pretty much every week.) or going to dinner on Saturday nights. or eating sushi. or going to Target. all the things i've already posted about. usually, when you have a major transition in life, you see it coming. you prepare yourself. but we didn't get that.
i remember last year when we decided to take some time apart from each other, we decided to have one last night out. it was a little awkward at first because we both knew that when it was over, we were going to go our seperate ways for a while. but, after a bit, it ended up being one of the most fun nights we've had. i'm sure that's one of those things that was harder for her, but made it easier for me.
this morning, i knew she was down in her room at church. i'm so used to just going down there to see her that i kept almost doing it without thinking. it was instinctual.
anyway... those are my random thoughts for the day.
-matt
little things. like going to lunch with our friends after church on Sunday. (we do it pretty much every week.) or going to dinner on Saturday nights. or eating sushi. or going to Target. all the things i've already posted about. usually, when you have a major transition in life, you see it coming. you prepare yourself. but we didn't get that.
i remember last year when we decided to take some time apart from each other, we decided to have one last night out. it was a little awkward at first because we both knew that when it was over, we were going to go our seperate ways for a while. but, after a bit, it ended up being one of the most fun nights we've had. i'm sure that's one of those things that was harder for her, but made it easier for me.
this morning, i knew she was down in her room at church. i'm so used to just going down there to see her that i kept almost doing it without thinking. it was instinctual.
anyway... those are my random thoughts for the day.
-matt
"the dumb ideas i get in my head"
Sunday, December 03, 2006 Filed in: my life
i went to my parent's for dinner tonight. (big
shock!) as i was watching last week's Boston Legal
(Matthew hadn't seen it yet), and playing with the
kids all night... i kept checking my cell phone. i
don't know why, but i somehow got it in my head that
since she called randomly last Sunday night, maybe
she'd call again tonight. i thought of this on Friday
and i've been looking forward to tonight ever since.
how dumb. not so much dumb that i was excited about
her calling... but that i, for no good reason,
convinced myself that it was going to happen. i don't
even know what we'd say... i just miss the sound of
her voice. i worry about her and how she is doing.
is it selfish or stupid that sometimes i worry that she's doing better than i am? i should hope that she is. i mean... a large part of me... most of me even... hopes that she is. i want her to be doing well. i want her to be happy. i want her to find the distractions in our friends that i'm not able to find. in fact, i want that so badly for her that i regularly call/text/e-mail our friends to make sure that they're taking good care of her. but... you know what they say... "misery loves company." part of me doesn't want to think that she's actually doing as well as i hope she is. i guess that's kinda sick.
anyway... my laundry is done. i have to go and switch loads now. (clean underwear, shirts and towels are important!)
goodnight my friends.
matt
ps... tonight, when i was playing with Ella, she asked if Stacy was coming over. i told her "no." she looked at me and said "i miss Stacy." i said "me too." and she gave me a hug. it couldn't have been any more bittersweet.
pps... if you like old hymns at all (and who doesn't?) :-), check out Avalon's new hymns record. i thought it sounded lame at first too... but they did some really cool new stuff to some really deep old songs. you can check it out on iTunes or buy it in a store. it's called "Faith: A Hymns Collection."
is it selfish or stupid that sometimes i worry that she's doing better than i am? i should hope that she is. i mean... a large part of me... most of me even... hopes that she is. i want her to be doing well. i want her to be happy. i want her to find the distractions in our friends that i'm not able to find. in fact, i want that so badly for her that i regularly call/text/e-mail our friends to make sure that they're taking good care of her. but... you know what they say... "misery loves company." part of me doesn't want to think that she's actually doing as well as i hope she is. i guess that's kinda sick.
anyway... my laundry is done. i have to go and switch loads now. (clean underwear, shirts and towels are important!)
goodnight my friends.
matt
ps... tonight, when i was playing with Ella, she asked if Stacy was coming over. i told her "no." she looked at me and said "i miss Stacy." i said "me too." and she gave me a hug. it couldn't have been any more bittersweet.
pps... if you like old hymns at all (and who doesn't?) :-), check out Avalon's new hymns record. i thought it sounded lame at first too... but they did some really cool new stuff to some really deep old songs. you can check it out on iTunes or buy it in a store. it's called "Faith: A Hymns Collection."
"shopping for friends"
Saturday, December 02, 2006 Filed in: my life
| random
musings
by the way... i found this Christmas song about two years ago. it's by a guy named Ron Sexsmith (poor guy must have gotten made fun of a lot as a kid) and it's one of my favorites now... short, simple and great.
"Maybe This Christmas"
maybe this Christmas will mean something more
maybe this year love will appear
deeper than ever before
and maybe forgiveness will ask us to call
someone we love
someone we've lost
for reasons we can't quite recall
mmm... maybe this Christmas
maybe there'll be an open door
maybe the star that shined before will shine once more
and maybe this Christmas will find us at last
in heavenly peace
grateful at least
for the love we've been shown in the past
ooh... maybe this Christmas.
mmm... maybe this Christmas.
(this was the song played during the last scene in the Chrismukkah episode of the 2nd season of The OC... probably the best episode of that show ever.)
"i think i'm gonna throw up"
Saturday, December 02, 2006 Filed in: my life
tonight was the first
time i've been back working with the kids at church
since the breakup. it was weird. to do that without
her... it was weird. it felt wrong. worship went
okay... then after that... while i was teaching... i
sorta felt like the room was closing in on me. it had
to be my worst lesson ever. Stacy wasn't there
tonight (she had the night off), but to be in her
room, on her stage... teaching and leading worship
without her.
it just... it
didn't feel right. plus, these kids (who i adore)
kept asking where Stacy was. i had to say "i don't
know." obviously, they don't have a clue that we
broke up. (they probably didn't know we were together
in the first place.... kids are slow sometimes!) but
it was strange to say that i didn't know where she
was and then realize that i really didn't know where
she was.
anyway, after church on Saturday nights, we usually go to dinner. a lot of the time we go to Mimi's or go out with my parents or something. church ended and i really didn't know what to do with myself. do i go home and be alone on a Saturday night? do i call anyone i can think of to desperately make plans? before i could decide, i ran into Phil and Tammy who have been trying to get me to try this Italian place they love in Fullerton. so, Phil, Tammy, my parents and another older couple went on over and had dinner. it was fun (Phil and my dad together usually are pretty entertaining)... but hello? i'm hanging out with my parents and two couples that are their age! this was my Saturday night fun. this is why i'm in the market for new friends. i'm accepting applications now! somebody save me from hanging out with couples in their 50s!
anyway, the food was good and i ate too much and now i feel like i could totally hurl. (does anyone say "hurl" anymore?) i'm really tired too... so i think i'll hit the sack early (10:45 is WAY early for me) and try and get a little caught up on my zzz's. (not that i snore. well... some say that i do. but i think they're full of crap.)
goodnight...
matt
anyway, after church on Saturday nights, we usually go to dinner. a lot of the time we go to Mimi's or go out with my parents or something. church ended and i really didn't know what to do with myself. do i go home and be alone on a Saturday night? do i call anyone i can think of to desperately make plans? before i could decide, i ran into Phil and Tammy who have been trying to get me to try this Italian place they love in Fullerton. so, Phil, Tammy, my parents and another older couple went on over and had dinner. it was fun (Phil and my dad together usually are pretty entertaining)... but hello? i'm hanging out with my parents and two couples that are their age! this was my Saturday night fun. this is why i'm in the market for new friends. i'm accepting applications now! somebody save me from hanging out with couples in their 50s!
anyway, the food was good and i ate too much and now i feel like i could totally hurl. (does anyone say "hurl" anymore?) i'm really tired too... so i think i'll hit the sack early (10:45 is WAY early for me) and try and get a little caught up on my zzz's. (not that i snore. well... some say that i do. but i think they're full of crap.)
goodnight...
matt
"no more numbering days" (day 11) "crap... starting tomorrow."
Friday, December 01, 2006 Filed in: my life
i guess i shouldn't be
numbering the days since we broke up. i think that it
probably makes things worse... like it's the center
point of my life or something. i mean, right now...
it feels like it is. but eventually, it
wont/shouldn't be. anyway...
Stacy posted a blog the other day about all the memories we have together. it was one of those really funny and really sad all at the same time kinda blogs. (it was mostly accurate with a few small exceptions.) i guess i've been thinking a lot about that kinda stuff too. though, i think for me... the focus has been more on the things that i normally do with her that i now have to do without her.
almost every week for the past 2 1/2 years, Stacy and i went to Target together. we discovered Corner Bakery together and ate their often. she introduced me to sushi and we had it very regularly. we watched a lot of TV and movies together. at night, if one of us went to the bathroom or something, the other would hide somewhere in the house and try to scare the crap out of the one who was in there when they came out. we drove everywhere together. we went shopping at Fashion Island and South Coast Plaza pretty regularly. we worked at church together. we went to musicals and plays. we went to lunch several days a week together. we had dinner together almost every day. we sat up talking about and solving the problems of the world all the time. we went to the movies. we played with the Cork kids. we went to concerts and listened to a lot of music together. we talked about going to the gym and then went to do something else anyway. we went on vacations together. we hung out with my family. we supported each other when things sucked and celebrated when things were awesome. in case you're not getting the point, we did everything together. we lived life together.
so, life is very different now. all these things that i couldn't imagine doing without her... now i'm doing them without her. Target wasn't the same without stalking her up and down the aisles and amazing her with my stealth-like abilities. not going straight to her cubical when i come into the office goes against every instinct in me. shopping is boring. Corner Bakery and sushi are lonely and empty. life in general is less full.
i hope she's doing better. (hopefully being surrounded by friends is a helpful distraction.) not that i'm doing horribly... i'm actually doing better than i thought i'd be. (i am REALLY bored which just gives me more time to think, unfortunately.) it just takes some MAJOR getting used to. it's giving up a whole way of life. it's giving up apart of your identity. it's looking at the world in a new way. i know it will get easier. in some ways, it already has. but... i still miss her a lot. and it doesn't matter if i take down pictures or if i remove her from my myspace or whatever... because i'm surrounded by the memories of us everywhere. it's just something i have to deal with.
most of all though... i just miss talking to her.
matt
ps... despite what she might say, i actually am a good liar and she believed a good number of my stories (mountain cooling machines... Joe loves Dawn... and more). also, it was i who did the majority of the waiting outside dressing rooms while shopping. not her. the rest of what she said was pretty much true.
Stacy posted a blog the other day about all the memories we have together. it was one of those really funny and really sad all at the same time kinda blogs. (it was mostly accurate with a few small exceptions.) i guess i've been thinking a lot about that kinda stuff too. though, i think for me... the focus has been more on the things that i normally do with her that i now have to do without her.
almost every week for the past 2 1/2 years, Stacy and i went to Target together. we discovered Corner Bakery together and ate their often. she introduced me to sushi and we had it very regularly. we watched a lot of TV and movies together. at night, if one of us went to the bathroom or something, the other would hide somewhere in the house and try to scare the crap out of the one who was in there when they came out. we drove everywhere together. we went shopping at Fashion Island and South Coast Plaza pretty regularly. we worked at church together. we went to musicals and plays. we went to lunch several days a week together. we had dinner together almost every day. we sat up talking about and solving the problems of the world all the time. we went to the movies. we played with the Cork kids. we went to concerts and listened to a lot of music together. we talked about going to the gym and then went to do something else anyway. we went on vacations together. we hung out with my family. we supported each other when things sucked and celebrated when things were awesome. in case you're not getting the point, we did everything together. we lived life together.
so, life is very different now. all these things that i couldn't imagine doing without her... now i'm doing them without her. Target wasn't the same without stalking her up and down the aisles and amazing her with my stealth-like abilities. not going straight to her cubical when i come into the office goes against every instinct in me. shopping is boring. Corner Bakery and sushi are lonely and empty. life in general is less full.
i hope she's doing better. (hopefully being surrounded by friends is a helpful distraction.) not that i'm doing horribly... i'm actually doing better than i thought i'd be. (i am REALLY bored which just gives me more time to think, unfortunately.) it just takes some MAJOR getting used to. it's giving up a whole way of life. it's giving up apart of your identity. it's looking at the world in a new way. i know it will get easier. in some ways, it already has. but... i still miss her a lot. and it doesn't matter if i take down pictures or if i remove her from my myspace or whatever... because i'm surrounded by the memories of us everywhere. it's just something i have to deal with.
most of all though... i just miss talking to her.
matt
ps... despite what she might say, i actually am a good liar and she believed a good number of my stories (mountain cooling machines... Joe loves Dawn... and more). also, it was i who did the majority of the waiting outside dressing rooms while shopping. not her. the rest of what she said was pretty much true.