Jul 2005
"only in America!"
Saturday, July 30, 2005 Filed in: random
musings
only in this amazing
country of ours could we have an entire industry
dedicated to people who aren't talented. only here
would people say "hey! you suck... come over here and
we'll call you the best of the suckiest and make you
a star!" only in America could you be rewarded with
vast amounts of money, beautiful women, big houses,
awards, cars and everything else that comes with
celebrity for not being good at what you do.
these thoughts struck me as i was riding back from the airport today and my sister Megan, who apparently has no taste in music, put in some piece of crap country cd. i mean seriously... these people can't write... they can't sing... they copy music that's been played about 50 million times before... it's quite horrific. and yet the power of marketing and peer pressure have convinced millions that the talentless are talented.
now, don't get me wrong. there was a time when "country music" (very different than it is today) was the heart and soul of a great country. just listen to the soundtrack from "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" to hear some samples of bluegrass/country. (mostly modern, updated samples, but good ones nonetheless.) anyway... that all died with Johnny Cash. now it's all horrible. country "stars" all write and sing about the same crap over and over again. and now it's worse because they've made a concerted effort to cross it over with pop music and develop a hybrid that is truly revolting.
all this to say... if you want to be a star and have no talent... country music may be for you! if you can't sing, but want to make millions at it anyway, move to Nashville! if you have nothing to say, but still want to write songs... there's a whole industry that will call you downright amazing and pay your bills.
this just makes me feel that the end of the world must be coming soon
these thoughts struck me as i was riding back from the airport today and my sister Megan, who apparently has no taste in music, put in some piece of crap country cd. i mean seriously... these people can't write... they can't sing... they copy music that's been played about 50 million times before... it's quite horrific. and yet the power of marketing and peer pressure have convinced millions that the talentless are talented.
now, don't get me wrong. there was a time when "country music" (very different than it is today) was the heart and soul of a great country. just listen to the soundtrack from "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" to hear some samples of bluegrass/country. (mostly modern, updated samples, but good ones nonetheless.) anyway... that all died with Johnny Cash. now it's all horrible. country "stars" all write and sing about the same crap over and over again. and now it's worse because they've made a concerted effort to cross it over with pop music and develop a hybrid that is truly revolting.
all this to say... if you want to be a star and have no talent... country music may be for you! if you can't sing, but want to make millions at it anyway, move to Nashville! if you have nothing to say, but still want to write songs... there's a whole industry that will call you downright amazing and pay your bills.
this just makes me feel that the end of the world must be coming soon
|
"why God, why? and other thoughts on middle America"
Monday, July 18, 2005 Filed in: random
musings
so... i've spent the
last few days hanging out in Nashville, Tennessee
with a brief stay in Somerset, Kentucky. what the
crap is going on out there?
i am, now more than ever, fully convinced that God never intended for the middle states to actually be inhabited by people. i mean, seriously! what are people doing out there? (note to the reader: just as a warning... don't ask people there that question. they tend to get offended and quickly go on the defensive. although, i must say, it is entertaining to hear them try to tell you why it's better than California... always good for a laugh, those middle-staters are!) there's nothing going on there.
if you know me at all, you know of my FIRM belief that country music is of the devil. (if you know that, then you probably also know that my parent's cat, Jake, is in fact the devil from whom all country music flows.) so, now i'm voluntarily going to visit a place that is proud to declare itself the Country Music Capital of the World!?!?! i'm a pretty freakin' good person to put up with that crap for my family/friends who have been dumb enough to move there. (perhaps an award should be bestowed.)
so... here is a summary of what i've learned/had confirmed in the past few days:
1... the middle states are only for flying over or driving through.... quickly. they're simply there to make you put in some effort to get to the other side where the good stuff is.
2... people that are normally annoying... are 10-15 times more annoying when they have a southern accent.
3... everyone in Tennessee is still in high school as all anyone there seems to do is sit around and gossip or complain. however, they do it with a huge smile on their faces as they pretend that life is just so gosh-darn amazing. also, if you accused them of gossipping or complaining, they will go to any length neccessary to deny it because they honestly believe they weren't doing either.
4... nobody really knows anyone there. seriously... these people put a HUGE amount of effort into being fake. as referenced in ..3, it is very important to a person in Tennessee to seem, by all outward appearances, that life is absolutely perfect. these are the same people who's lives are actually falling apart and are living in a deep denial.
i'd compare it to Stepford. it's just weird.
anyway, i'm sure this is an overgeneralization and not everyone is like this. however, even good people get sucked into it, i'm sure. it's like high school... it's hard not to get sucked into the popularity contests and gossip sessions. run for your lives.
i will say this for them though... they've got some great food. and that might make all the rest totally worth it.
i am, now more than ever, fully convinced that God never intended for the middle states to actually be inhabited by people. i mean, seriously! what are people doing out there? (note to the reader: just as a warning... don't ask people there that question. they tend to get offended and quickly go on the defensive. although, i must say, it is entertaining to hear them try to tell you why it's better than California... always good for a laugh, those middle-staters are!) there's nothing going on there.
if you know me at all, you know of my FIRM belief that country music is of the devil. (if you know that, then you probably also know that my parent's cat, Jake, is in fact the devil from whom all country music flows.) so, now i'm voluntarily going to visit a place that is proud to declare itself the Country Music Capital of the World!?!?! i'm a pretty freakin' good person to put up with that crap for my family/friends who have been dumb enough to move there. (perhaps an award should be bestowed.)
so... here is a summary of what i've learned/had confirmed in the past few days:
1... the middle states are only for flying over or driving through.... quickly. they're simply there to make you put in some effort to get to the other side where the good stuff is.
2... people that are normally annoying... are 10-15 times more annoying when they have a southern accent.
3... everyone in Tennessee is still in high school as all anyone there seems to do is sit around and gossip or complain. however, they do it with a huge smile on their faces as they pretend that life is just so gosh-darn amazing. also, if you accused them of gossipping or complaining, they will go to any length neccessary to deny it because they honestly believe they weren't doing either.
4... nobody really knows anyone there. seriously... these people put a HUGE amount of effort into being fake. as referenced in ..3, it is very important to a person in Tennessee to seem, by all outward appearances, that life is absolutely perfect. these are the same people who's lives are actually falling apart and are living in a deep denial.
i'd compare it to Stepford. it's just weird.
anyway, i'm sure this is an overgeneralization and not everyone is like this. however, even good people get sucked into it, i'm sure. it's like high school... it's hard not to get sucked into the popularity contests and gossip sessions. run for your lives.
i will say this for them though... they've got some great food. and that might make all the rest totally worth it.
"branching out"
Tuesday, July 05, 2005 Filed in: my life
okay... so, if you know
me, you know that i am the pickiest eater in the
world. but you know what, i tried something new the
other night and, i'm shocked to say, i really liked
it. i am now a fan of sushi! of course, it couldn't
be that simple with me, could it? no. the problem is
that i don't like spicy food or avacados and i'm
allergic to shrimp. (an allergy i've only developed
in the past year... which sucks cuz i LOVE shrimp!)
so, i got this caterpillar roll thing and had him
make it without avacados and i got a tuna roll and i
totally loved it and now want more. i can only
imagine how good it would be if followed by an icy
cold Mountain Dew. mmmm.
"if i were the President of the United States..."
Tuesday, July 05, 2005 Filed in: random
musings
President Matthew M.
Barnes' first presidential press release:
dear citizens...
there are several issues that, as president, i feel i must address before dealing with lesser issues such as foreign policy, the war on terror and world hunger. they are as follows:
1. when did the people of this great country forget how to drive? if the speed limit is 65, please do not drive less than 75. if you must, please stay in the far right lane (aka... the "retard lane"). from this day forth, driving less than 10 miles per hour over the speed limit in the fast lane is punishable by death.
2. restraunts: if you advertise a particular item of food or beverage, please actually have it available. those not complying will be immediately desimated by an arial strike force. (Hard Rock Cafe of CityWalk, you have 24 hours to get your Mountain Dew dispenser fixed.)
3. as they have been scientifically proven to be pure evil incarnate, cats are no longer welcome in our country. all cats must be either deported or destroyed within the next week. (if you wish, the government will collect your cat to be unleashed against our enemies at no additional charge.)
4. car companies: you're making our country look bad. all the cool cars come from Europe and all the dependable cars come from Japan. GM is hereby ordered to produce some cool, dependable cars within the next 6 months or all American auto creation will be stopped.
5. as of August 1, 2005, CBS will cease to exist. they have continually produced the suckiest shows of the past decade. there will only be two major networks that will be officially recognized by this government and they are NBC and ABC. FOX can stay as it continues to create unique and subversive content (ie- "Arrested Development"); UPN will continue to serve the minority viewers who still think that "Moesha" was a quality program; and the WB will continue to produce over-written, over-acted and over-hyped programming geared toward high school girls such as "Everwood," "Gilmore Girls," and "Summerland."
6. as an addendum to number 5, ABC is hereby required to find a better timeslot for "Alias" in the coming season. (also, please make sure that this whole "i'm not really Michael Vaughn" thing doesn't end up stupid. oh... and as the president, i demand to know what's down the hatch on "Lost" and i mean now.)
7. free TiVos and TiVo service for everyone. watching your TV shows exactly when you want to is every American's God-given right.
8. as of January 1, 2006, all PCs will be abolished and replaced by Macs. anyone using a PC after this time will be shipped off to join Bill Gates and the rest of the Microsoft crew on the imaginary island of Tonga (which, i believe, he actually owns).
9. the new "offical beverage of the USA" will be Mountain Dew. anyone caught talking trash on Mountain Dew will be deported to Arkansas.
10. we're getting rid of Arkansas. next weekend, we'll be placing an add in the paper for any country that wants to buy themselves a new state. we don't expect any takers.
thank you for taking this time to listen to these suggestions (demands). i know that, together, we can maybe make this a kinda great nation once again.... possibly. (we may have to get rid of Texas though too.)
dear citizens...
there are several issues that, as president, i feel i must address before dealing with lesser issues such as foreign policy, the war on terror and world hunger. they are as follows:
1. when did the people of this great country forget how to drive? if the speed limit is 65, please do not drive less than 75. if you must, please stay in the far right lane (aka... the "retard lane"). from this day forth, driving less than 10 miles per hour over the speed limit in the fast lane is punishable by death.
2. restraunts: if you advertise a particular item of food or beverage, please actually have it available. those not complying will be immediately desimated by an arial strike force. (Hard Rock Cafe of CityWalk, you have 24 hours to get your Mountain Dew dispenser fixed.)
3. as they have been scientifically proven to be pure evil incarnate, cats are no longer welcome in our country. all cats must be either deported or destroyed within the next week. (if you wish, the government will collect your cat to be unleashed against our enemies at no additional charge.)
4. car companies: you're making our country look bad. all the cool cars come from Europe and all the dependable cars come from Japan. GM is hereby ordered to produce some cool, dependable cars within the next 6 months or all American auto creation will be stopped.
5. as of August 1, 2005, CBS will cease to exist. they have continually produced the suckiest shows of the past decade. there will only be two major networks that will be officially recognized by this government and they are NBC and ABC. FOX can stay as it continues to create unique and subversive content (ie- "Arrested Development"); UPN will continue to serve the minority viewers who still think that "Moesha" was a quality program; and the WB will continue to produce over-written, over-acted and over-hyped programming geared toward high school girls such as "Everwood," "Gilmore Girls," and "Summerland."
6. as an addendum to number 5, ABC is hereby required to find a better timeslot for "Alias" in the coming season. (also, please make sure that this whole "i'm not really Michael Vaughn" thing doesn't end up stupid. oh... and as the president, i demand to know what's down the hatch on "Lost" and i mean now.)
7. free TiVos and TiVo service for everyone. watching your TV shows exactly when you want to is every American's God-given right.
8. as of January 1, 2006, all PCs will be abolished and replaced by Macs. anyone using a PC after this time will be shipped off to join Bill Gates and the rest of the Microsoft crew on the imaginary island of Tonga (which, i believe, he actually owns).
9. the new "offical beverage of the USA" will be Mountain Dew. anyone caught talking trash on Mountain Dew will be deported to Arkansas.
10. we're getting rid of Arkansas. next weekend, we'll be placing an add in the paper for any country that wants to buy themselves a new state. we don't expect any takers.
thank you for taking this time to listen to these suggestions (demands). i know that, together, we can maybe make this a kinda great nation once again.... possibly. (we may have to get rid of Texas though too.)