Nov 2006
"therapy gone wrong... Denny Crane style!"
Thursday, November 30, 2006 Filed in: my life
| random
musings
as you may also know, i've been filling my spare time (of which i have much these days) with the second season of one of my favorite shows, "Boston Legal."
anyway, i was watching episode 23 of season 2 entitled "Race Ipsa" (sad that i've gotten that far in 9 days) which starts off with Denny Crane (William Shatner) in a therapist's office. it was one of the funniest scenes on the show and i can only hope my trip the counselor goes so well.
anyway, check it out if you get a chance. if you haven't watched "Boston Legal," you should. it's one of the funniest shows ever. buy the DVDs. or borrow mine if you'd like. totally worth it.
matt
|
"just a song for day nine"
Wednesday, November 29, 2006 Filed in: my life
when i was in high school (my jr. and sr. years) i
was kinda a mess. all depressed and whatnot. but then
i got over that and realized that God is in control
if i'll let Him be and that He can do a much better
job of dealing with crap than i can because He can
see the big picture that i can't.
fast forward about 5 years. i think pretty much everyone who knows me knows how much i love U2. in 2000, they put out "All That You Can't Leave Behind" (a fantastic album). one of the songs on there really hit me and i always said i wish i'd had that song back when i was in high school.
this morning, i randomly heard the song for the first time in a while. it's called "Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of" (long title). it was perfect timing to hear it again.
just so you know... things are getting better. i'm figuring things out that i needed to figure out. things about myself. things about my relationship with Stacy. things about my relationship with God. thanks for your support and your comments. here are the lyrics to the song...
"Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of"
I am not afraid of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard
I'm just trying to find a decent melody
A song that I can sing in my own company
I never thought you were a fool
But darlin', look at you
You gotta stand up straight
Carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere, baby
You've got to get yourself together
You got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it
I will not forsake the colors that you bring
The nights you filled with fireworks they left you with nothing
I am still enchanted by the light you brought to me
I listen through your ears and through your eyes i can see
You are such a fool to worry like you do
I know it's tough and you can never get enough
of what you don't really need now... my oh my
You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it
Oh Lord... look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it
I was unconscious... half asleep
The water was warm till you discovered how deep
I wasn't jumping... for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all
You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it
And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your ways should falter
Along the stoney pass
It's just a moment... this time will pass.
trying to get unstuck...
--matt
fast forward about 5 years. i think pretty much everyone who knows me knows how much i love U2. in 2000, they put out "All That You Can't Leave Behind" (a fantastic album). one of the songs on there really hit me and i always said i wish i'd had that song back when i was in high school.
this morning, i randomly heard the song for the first time in a while. it's called "Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of" (long title). it was perfect timing to hear it again.
just so you know... things are getting better. i'm figuring things out that i needed to figure out. things about myself. things about my relationship with Stacy. things about my relationship with God. thanks for your support and your comments. here are the lyrics to the song...
"Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of"
I am not afraid of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard
I'm just trying to find a decent melody
A song that I can sing in my own company
I never thought you were a fool
But darlin', look at you
You gotta stand up straight
Carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere, baby
You've got to get yourself together
You got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it
I will not forsake the colors that you bring
The nights you filled with fireworks they left you with nothing
I am still enchanted by the light you brought to me
I listen through your ears and through your eyes i can see
You are such a fool to worry like you do
I know it's tough and you can never get enough
of what you don't really need now... my oh my
You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it
Oh Lord... look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it
I was unconscious... half asleep
The water was warm till you discovered how deep
I wasn't jumping... for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all
You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it
And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your ways should falter
Along the stoney pass
It's just a moment... this time will pass.
trying to get unstuck...
--matt
"a little more"
Wednesday, November 29, 2006 Filed in: my life
the only sad part was driving home from school. since i started grad school at APU, i've never made the drive home without talking to her on the phone all the way. it was very strange to just sit in the car.
anyway... i don't have much else to say i guess. tomorrow i have a meeting at the church to talk about them hiring me. (after 2 1/2 years of talking about it... NOW they want to offer me a job. fantastic!) pray please.
-me
"strike that... reverse it" (day eight)
Tuesday, November 28, 2006 Filed in: my life
should be short today.
today was the inverse of yesterday. started off as the worst day yet. woke up feeling like i'd been hit by a truck. panic attacks... spontaneous outbursts of crying... the whole works.
went to lunch with some good friends who let me just talk. that really helped. talked to another friend after that. came to some realizations. of course, these realizations cause me to question everything that i've done and everything that i'm doing. but... at least i feel like i'm making some progress.
this afternoon was good. had a meeting at the church. it was the first time i'd been in the offices since we broke up. a little strange to know that she was right behind that wall. hard not to go and plop myself down in the chair in her cubical like i always do. but, good to be able to go there and not have the world end (as was my fear, of course).
right now i'm feeling a lot of anxiety. but it's better i think than before.
i decided last night (and again today) that i'm going to visit a therapist. i've never done it before but i think i should. i have some issues that i'm discovering and didn't necessarily realize or want to admit before. i think i use certain situations as distractions (emotionally) so that i don't have to deal with the reality of my situation. of course, in the end, reality always gets ya. because of that, i also have some guilt issues.
it would be good for me to have someone to talk to. someone who is not biased and will tell me the things i don't necessarily want to hear. i have a lot of questions right now. a lot. i need someone to help me find the answers. i'll let you know how that goes.
thank you to my friends for being my friends even though it may be awkward or strange to be so at this time.
on the edge of sanity...
matt
today was the inverse of yesterday. started off as the worst day yet. woke up feeling like i'd been hit by a truck. panic attacks... spontaneous outbursts of crying... the whole works.
went to lunch with some good friends who let me just talk. that really helped. talked to another friend after that. came to some realizations. of course, these realizations cause me to question everything that i've done and everything that i'm doing. but... at least i feel like i'm making some progress.
this afternoon was good. had a meeting at the church. it was the first time i'd been in the offices since we broke up. a little strange to know that she was right behind that wall. hard not to go and plop myself down in the chair in her cubical like i always do. but, good to be able to go there and not have the world end (as was my fear, of course).
right now i'm feeling a lot of anxiety. but it's better i think than before.
i decided last night (and again today) that i'm going to visit a therapist. i've never done it before but i think i should. i have some issues that i'm discovering and didn't necessarily realize or want to admit before. i think i use certain situations as distractions (emotionally) so that i don't have to deal with the reality of my situation. of course, in the end, reality always gets ya. because of that, i also have some guilt issues.
it would be good for me to have someone to talk to. someone who is not biased and will tell me the things i don't necessarily want to hear. i have a lot of questions right now. a lot. i need someone to help me find the answers. i'll let you know how that goes.
thank you to my friends for being my friends even though it may be awkward or strange to be so at this time.
on the edge of sanity...
matt
"gray civics everywhere" (day seven)
Monday, November 27, 2006 Filed in: my life
tonight will officially be one week. it's weird... in
some ways, it feels like just yesterday. in other
ways... feels like a year ago. in no way does it feel
like a week ago.
i really thought today would be better. i mean... it started off better. i talked to Stacy very briefly last night (her choice, not mine). and while it may have made things worse for her (i really hope not)... it really helped me. i even woke up today feeling better about things despite the rainy weather. but, i guess as the day went on, that feeling began to fade.
today was "try to move on with my life" day. i decided that working from home isn't the most effective thing for me. so, i've hijacked an empty office at my dad's company where i can go a couple of days a week to get things done. i went out there this morning and started working on some stuff for FIGURE and Revolution and school. it started off well, but by this afternoon, i couldn't focus anymore so i left.
everywhere i went today, i saw gray honda civics. do you know how many people drive gray honda civics?
seriously...
they're everywhere. she drives one. i kept seeing
them today and it kept reminding me. over and over
and over.
the next thing i know, i'm walking in the door to my house at 4:00 where i spontaneously start crying again and having, what can only be described as a panic attack. what the hell? i didn't even see that coming. it just happened. (that's really not normal. at least, not for me.) maybe it's because it's been a week. maybe it's because i keep wanting to believe that i'm okay and i'm moving on with my life and i'm really not. maybe it's because i can't move on because i have no idea what to move on to. new friends? i don't want them. i like my old friends. the church wants to hire me. can i work there? can i even go there anymore? i could put my efforts into my house remodel. but, am i going to live here? if not, we're certainly not going to spend the money on remodeling. i've put so much time and effort into planning this remodel... but maybe i should just move and get away from here. what's holding me back? it seems like there's nothing here for me anymore. but, i don't want to leave. i'm not ready to give up my life yet. it's MY life. MY friends. how can it all just be gone overnight?
i'm sure i'm overreacting. i really, really hope i am. some of you have said that i shouldn't be sharing these thoughts on myspace. if you feel that way then... don't read them. maybe it's lame that i do. maybe it's stupid of me to be broadcasting my feelings. i'm sure it is, actually. but this is what i have right now. so, for now... i'll just keep writing until this goes away. or until i do. at some point, something's gotta give. and i have a feeling, it's not going to be the gray civics.
--matt
i really thought today would be better. i mean... it started off better. i talked to Stacy very briefly last night (her choice, not mine). and while it may have made things worse for her (i really hope not)... it really helped me. i even woke up today feeling better about things despite the rainy weather. but, i guess as the day went on, that feeling began to fade.
today was "try to move on with my life" day. i decided that working from home isn't the most effective thing for me. so, i've hijacked an empty office at my dad's company where i can go a couple of days a week to get things done. i went out there this morning and started working on some stuff for FIGURE and Revolution and school. it started off well, but by this afternoon, i couldn't focus anymore so i left.
everywhere i went today, i saw gray honda civics. do you know how many people drive gray honda civics?
the next thing i know, i'm walking in the door to my house at 4:00 where i spontaneously start crying again and having, what can only be described as a panic attack. what the hell? i didn't even see that coming. it just happened. (that's really not normal. at least, not for me.) maybe it's because it's been a week. maybe it's because i keep wanting to believe that i'm okay and i'm moving on with my life and i'm really not. maybe it's because i can't move on because i have no idea what to move on to. new friends? i don't want them. i like my old friends. the church wants to hire me. can i work there? can i even go there anymore? i could put my efforts into my house remodel. but, am i going to live here? if not, we're certainly not going to spend the money on remodeling. i've put so much time and effort into planning this remodel... but maybe i should just move and get away from here. what's holding me back? it seems like there's nothing here for me anymore. but, i don't want to leave. i'm not ready to give up my life yet. it's MY life. MY friends. how can it all just be gone overnight?
i'm sure i'm overreacting. i really, really hope i am. some of you have said that i shouldn't be sharing these thoughts on myspace. if you feel that way then... don't read them. maybe it's lame that i do. maybe it's stupid of me to be broadcasting my feelings. i'm sure it is, actually. but this is what i have right now. so, for now... i'll just keep writing until this goes away. or until i do. at some point, something's gotta give. and i have a feeling, it's not going to be the gray civics.
--matt
"amputee" (day six)
Sunday, November 26, 2006 Filed in: my life
today was a rough day.
actually, it started last night.
i went down to pick up the jeans that i had to have altered. the ones that Stacy and i picked out last week. (the ones that are on her credit card and i have to pay her back for... i haven't forgotten.) i picked them up and looked down the way and saw the sushi place that we always ate at. i think i've only eaten sushi without Stacy once in my life (and it was because she was out of town). i felt like i needed to do this. so, i went in and ordered my tuna roll and a mountain dew and sat down alone. this was the most utterly empty meal i've ever eaten. i didn't not enjoy it. but, for some reason, i felt like it had to be done.
today was my first time at church since it happened. i didn't know what to expect and, therefore, did not properly prepare myself. i'm not a big cryer at all. it's not that i think i'm too macho or some crap like that... i just don't cry much. before this week, it had been over a year since i'd cried about anything. i mostly got it out of my system on Tuesday. i cried a bit on Wednesday afternoon and very briefly on Thursday (Thanksgiving). but since then, i've been better. until today.
i saw her performing this morning in church. i saw all of our friends and family. i saw her sister and her mom and the kids. i saw a glimpse of my life without her there. Chino (that's what we call her little nephew who's not quite 2 years old) saw me. he jumped from his mom's arms into mine and said my name. (one of his favorite words for some reason.) he wouldn't let go. Leilani (his sister who's only about 4 months old) smiled and laughed for me like she always does. Erin (Stacy's sister) said that he's always asking for me. then i had to give him back to his mom and say goodbye. at this point i'd already teared up several times that morning. then, by accident, i saw Stacy.
i didn't mean to. i turned around and she was just there. down the hall. she saw me. we didn't say anything. too painful (?) for me, it was more painful not to. but, like in so many areas, she and i are very different.
see... for Stacy to move on, she has to completely erase me from her life. if i hadn't already known this about her, i'm sure i would be offended. by the day after we broke up, i was nowhere to be seen on her myspace page... i'm sure that any pictures of me in her room or office were gone... she had to make me go away so that she can move on. the problem is... that's not how i deal with things. i need to remember. i need to deal with the pain and difficulty of having her in my life but not. i'd give anything to be able to just sit down and talk with her every once in a while. share a meal. just... be.
it's stupid. it's definitely not the smart way of dealing with it. i entitled this blog "amputee" because that's what i feel like. it's like we were joined at the heart slowly over time and now we have to unjoin. i have to become separated from this part of me. of course, the smart thing would be to make a clean, quick cut. get all the pain out of the way as quickly as possible and take it apart. that makes sense. that's what Stacy needs. but for me, i'd rather slowly undo it and move apart. it doesn't make sense. but, i'm an idiot and that's how i work.
so, the pictures are still up. she's still on my page. maybe it's a bit of denial. maybe it makes me feel like things are still a little bit normal for just a second when i log on and hers is the first face i see at the top of my friends list. i don't know. i have to hold on to those things a little bit because i can't hold onto her at all. she needs the clean break. and, above all, i want her to be happy. so, i'll give her whatever she needs.
today was tough. my little Ella (our friend's daughter who's 3 years old) told me that she had no hugs for me... only for Stacy. she looked like she was going to cry when she said this. (she doesn't understand why Stacy's not around anymore and is angry with me i think.) for the first time in a very long time... i left church without Stacy. we didn't go to lunch together. we didn't come home and take a nap on the couch together. i went down to see "Sweet Charity" (the musical) at the Orange County Performing Arts Center. it was the first show i've seen there without her in a long time. (i had to be the one to point out that "that's where Jeff works" to my roommate who couldn't care less.) i almost broke down in the middle of the show once or twice. i looked over next to me and forgot that she wasn't sitting there with me.
they say that amputees' minds sometimes mess with them and they can feel "phantom" sensations in their amputated limbs (even though they don't have them anymore) like they're still there. i totally get that. even though she's gone... i still feel like she's a part of me. i think, in some way, i always will.
-matt
i went down to pick up the jeans that i had to have altered. the ones that Stacy and i picked out last week. (the ones that are on her credit card and i have to pay her back for... i haven't forgotten.) i picked them up and looked down the way and saw the sushi place that we always ate at. i think i've only eaten sushi without Stacy once in my life (and it was because she was out of town). i felt like i needed to do this. so, i went in and ordered my tuna roll and a mountain dew and sat down alone. this was the most utterly empty meal i've ever eaten. i didn't not enjoy it. but, for some reason, i felt like it had to be done.
today was my first time at church since it happened. i didn't know what to expect and, therefore, did not properly prepare myself. i'm not a big cryer at all. it's not that i think i'm too macho or some crap like that... i just don't cry much. before this week, it had been over a year since i'd cried about anything. i mostly got it out of my system on Tuesday. i cried a bit on Wednesday afternoon and very briefly on Thursday (Thanksgiving). but since then, i've been better. until today.
i saw her performing this morning in church. i saw all of our friends and family. i saw her sister and her mom and the kids. i saw a glimpse of my life without her there. Chino (that's what we call her little nephew who's not quite 2 years old) saw me. he jumped from his mom's arms into mine and said my name. (one of his favorite words for some reason.) he wouldn't let go. Leilani (his sister who's only about 4 months old) smiled and laughed for me like she always does. Erin (Stacy's sister) said that he's always asking for me. then i had to give him back to his mom and say goodbye. at this point i'd already teared up several times that morning. then, by accident, i saw Stacy.
i didn't mean to. i turned around and she was just there. down the hall. she saw me. we didn't say anything. too painful (?) for me, it was more painful not to. but, like in so many areas, she and i are very different.
see... for Stacy to move on, she has to completely erase me from her life. if i hadn't already known this about her, i'm sure i would be offended. by the day after we broke up, i was nowhere to be seen on her myspace page... i'm sure that any pictures of me in her room or office were gone... she had to make me go away so that she can move on. the problem is... that's not how i deal with things. i need to remember. i need to deal with the pain and difficulty of having her in my life but not. i'd give anything to be able to just sit down and talk with her every once in a while. share a meal. just... be.
it's stupid. it's definitely not the smart way of dealing with it. i entitled this blog "amputee" because that's what i feel like. it's like we were joined at the heart slowly over time and now we have to unjoin. i have to become separated from this part of me. of course, the smart thing would be to make a clean, quick cut. get all the pain out of the way as quickly as possible and take it apart. that makes sense. that's what Stacy needs. but for me, i'd rather slowly undo it and move apart. it doesn't make sense. but, i'm an idiot and that's how i work.
so, the pictures are still up. she's still on my page. maybe it's a bit of denial. maybe it makes me feel like things are still a little bit normal for just a second when i log on and hers is the first face i see at the top of my friends list. i don't know. i have to hold on to those things a little bit because i can't hold onto her at all. she needs the clean break. and, above all, i want her to be happy. so, i'll give her whatever she needs.
today was tough. my little Ella (our friend's daughter who's 3 years old) told me that she had no hugs for me... only for Stacy. she looked like she was going to cry when she said this. (she doesn't understand why Stacy's not around anymore and is angry with me i think.) for the first time in a very long time... i left church without Stacy. we didn't go to lunch together. we didn't come home and take a nap on the couch together. i went down to see "Sweet Charity" (the musical) at the Orange County Performing Arts Center. it was the first show i've seen there without her in a long time. (i had to be the one to point out that "that's where Jeff works" to my roommate who couldn't care less.) i almost broke down in the middle of the show once or twice. i looked over next to me and forgot that she wasn't sitting there with me.
they say that amputees' minds sometimes mess with them and they can feel "phantom" sensations in their amputated limbs (even though they don't have them anymore) like they're still there. i totally get that. even though she's gone... i still feel like she's a part of me. i think, in some way, i always will.
-matt
"addendum (a request for prayer and a good song)"
Sunday, November 26, 2006 Filed in: my life
| random
musings
as a quick addendum... there are a lot of other
things going on in my life right now too that just
add to the chaos of feelings. some of them are things
that i'm struggling with (the future, career stuff,
personal stuff) and some of them have little to do
with me and have more to do with watching other
friends of mine wrestle with some pretty major
stuff.
if
you have a moment and are so inclined, please throw
up a prayer or two for me, Stacy and my friends.
i appreciate everyone's support more than you can possibly know and i'm sure Stacy does too. if you're one of "our" friends... please just keep loving on her and taking care of her in whatever ways she needs.
crap. now i'm crying again.
ps... (if you can have a "ps" to an addendum) if you haven't heard the song "Bad Dream" by Keane... it's fantastic. actually, everything by Keane is pretty fantastic.
"i wake up... it's a bad dream. no one's on my side. i was fighting, but i just feel too tired to be fighting. guess i'm not the fighting kind. wouldn't mind it if you were by my side, but you're long gone... yeah, you're long gone now."
i appreciate everyone's support more than you can possibly know and i'm sure Stacy does too. if you're one of "our" friends... please just keep loving on her and taking care of her in whatever ways she needs.
crap. now i'm crying again.
ps... (if you can have a "ps" to an addendum) if you haven't heard the song "Bad Dream" by Keane... it's fantastic. actually, everything by Keane is pretty fantastic.
"i wake up... it's a bad dream. no one's on my side. i was fighting, but i just feel too tired to be fighting. guess i'm not the fighting kind. wouldn't mind it if you were by my side, but you're long gone... yeah, you're long gone now."
"'where do you see yourself in 10 years?' is a stupid question" (day five)
Saturday, November 25, 2006 Filed in: my life
| deep thoughts
people always ask dumb
questions like that. i think i probably used to as
well. but last night, i got a whole new perspective
on it.
last night was my 10 year high school reunion. it was very surreal. i saw a lot of people i didn't necessarily want to see. i saw some people that i did. i had the same conversation about 50 times. "so... what have you been up to?" also known as "please summarize the last 10 years of your life in about 30 seconds before i lose interest and move on to the next person i don't particularly care about." it was actually kinda entertaining.
some of the people are exactly where they were 10 years ago. some have made something of themselves... some have not. some have families... most didn't. some of the groups that i saw leave together at the end of high school... they showed up together last night. that's a little strange for me because i, very quickly, moved on from high school never to look back. i'm not judging... good for them that they found their lifelong friends at age 16. i did not.
but it got me thinking... i remember graduating from Lutheran High School of Orange County way back in 1997 and thinking, "i wonder what it will be like at my 10 year reunion." it was not too different from what i had envisioned for everyone else... but not for me. i never questioned that i would be there with my wife and that we would probably have a child at home. i never questioned that i would be knee deep in a successful career of some sort. i never questioned that i would have made so much progress in 10 years that the many "less than motivated" peers that i graduated with would just have to be impressed. it's funny that i never questioned those things. i guess i should have.
am i really so different at 28 from the person i was at 18? i mean... sure. i've grown up. i've changed. i've had a million life experiences that have brought me to where i am today. but... i'm still trying to figure out what i'm going to do. i'm still looking forward to the wife and the family life. and, of course, to make it all worse... i just kinda started it all over this week. i mean, any progress that i'd made toward those things just sorta fell by the wayside.
so, while i'm not out partying and clubbing with my high school friends like many of the people i saw last night (and thank God i'm not), am i really that different from them? they're doing the same things they were doing 10 years ago... and so am i. i'm still here. i haven't really moved. (and i'm not talking about geography.) did i just waste a decade? i don't think so. but maybe i did.
what a traumatic week. WAY too much to think about. so much more than i've even shared. i am overwhelmed. but i can't let myself be bogged down in self-pity. i'm giving myself until Monday to do nothing and allow myself to process. as of Monday, i'm going to start figuring my life out. it's time. i don't know where i see myself in 10 years... but it sure as hell ain't here.
last night was my 10 year high school reunion. it was very surreal. i saw a lot of people i didn't necessarily want to see. i saw some people that i did. i had the same conversation about 50 times. "so... what have you been up to?" also known as "please summarize the last 10 years of your life in about 30 seconds before i lose interest and move on to the next person i don't particularly care about." it was actually kinda entertaining.
some of the people are exactly where they were 10 years ago. some have made something of themselves... some have not. some have families... most didn't. some of the groups that i saw leave together at the end of high school... they showed up together last night. that's a little strange for me because i, very quickly, moved on from high school never to look back. i'm not judging... good for them that they found their lifelong friends at age 16. i did not.
but it got me thinking... i remember graduating from Lutheran High School of Orange County way back in 1997 and thinking, "i wonder what it will be like at my 10 year reunion." it was not too different from what i had envisioned for everyone else... but not for me. i never questioned that i would be there with my wife and that we would probably have a child at home. i never questioned that i would be knee deep in a successful career of some sort. i never questioned that i would have made so much progress in 10 years that the many "less than motivated" peers that i graduated with would just have to be impressed. it's funny that i never questioned those things. i guess i should have.
am i really so different at 28 from the person i was at 18? i mean... sure. i've grown up. i've changed. i've had a million life experiences that have brought me to where i am today. but... i'm still trying to figure out what i'm going to do. i'm still looking forward to the wife and the family life. and, of course, to make it all worse... i just kinda started it all over this week. i mean, any progress that i'd made toward those things just sorta fell by the wayside.
so, while i'm not out partying and clubbing with my high school friends like many of the people i saw last night (and thank God i'm not), am i really that different from them? they're doing the same things they were doing 10 years ago... and so am i. i'm still here. i haven't really moved. (and i'm not talking about geography.) did i just waste a decade? i don't think so. but maybe i did.
what a traumatic week. WAY too much to think about. so much more than i've even shared. i am overwhelmed. but i can't let myself be bogged down in self-pity. i'm giving myself until Monday to do nothing and allow myself to process. as of Monday, i'm going to start figuring my life out. it's time. i don't know where i see myself in 10 years... but it sure as hell ain't here.
"thanksgiving" (day three)
Thursday, November 23, 2006 Filed in: my life
first things first...
happy thanksgiving to everyone! i hope that you all
are truly enjoying your holiday and have much to be
thankful for. (in fact, i really hope you're not
reading this on your holiday and it is, in fact, over
at the time you're reading this.)
before i say what i want to say for today... i have an apology to make. i've obviously been sad lately. however, i know it's not the end of the world. i guess i just want you (whoever "you" might be) to know that i'm okay. sometimes things suck... and i know you all know that. but there is also much good in life. lately i've been blogging about the sucky and i'm sorry for focusing so much on the negative. but, you know... i have a lot to be thankful for. (which brings me to my thoughts for today.)
i am SO incredibly thankful for the past 2 1/2 years with Stacy. she changed me and my life in amazing ways. she walked with me through everything and allowed me the privelage of walking with her through the fire on several occasions. even with the way i've been feeling this week, i wouldn't go back and trade a day of it. the relationships i have now because of her, the experiences we had together, the support that we were for one another, doing ministry together, encouraging one another, the vacations we took, the trips to Disneyland and San Diego and everything else... i'm thankful for it all. i don't regret it and i definitely do not look at it as 2 1/2 years lost. i gained so much. i had the best, best friend i could ask for. i'm lucky i got to have her for as long as i did.
i also have a lot of other things to be thankful for. my family, friends, church, God, life, this world, mountain dew, great tv, the internet, tivo, apple, steak, potatoes (mashed or baked), rainbow sandals, electricity, my car, sushi, school, smart people, dumb people, in between people, the smell of rain on the pavement, the fact that i live in a place where i don't get to smell that too often, snow, microwaves, pizza, water, jeans, shoes, U2, and much much more. so, Thanksgiving actually came at a perfect time this year. it's probably the first Thanksgiving that i've actually spent some time thinking about what i'm thankful for.
i'm feeling better today. i was doing pretty well actually, until i decided to show one of my relatives the FIGURE video we did a few weeks back which, very prominently, features Stacy. (if you haven't checked it out, you should. www.figureonline.com/figure/media) i know this is the right thing... i just miss my best friend. she's a pretty cool chick.
happy thanksgiving everyone. love to you all.
before i say what i want to say for today... i have an apology to make. i've obviously been sad lately. however, i know it's not the end of the world. i guess i just want you (whoever "you" might be) to know that i'm okay. sometimes things suck... and i know you all know that. but there is also much good in life. lately i've been blogging about the sucky and i'm sorry for focusing so much on the negative. but, you know... i have a lot to be thankful for. (which brings me to my thoughts for today.)
i am SO incredibly thankful for the past 2 1/2 years with Stacy. she changed me and my life in amazing ways. she walked with me through everything and allowed me the privelage of walking with her through the fire on several occasions. even with the way i've been feeling this week, i wouldn't go back and trade a day of it. the relationships i have now because of her, the experiences we had together, the support that we were for one another, doing ministry together, encouraging one another, the vacations we took, the trips to Disneyland and San Diego and everything else... i'm thankful for it all. i don't regret it and i definitely do not look at it as 2 1/2 years lost. i gained so much. i had the best, best friend i could ask for. i'm lucky i got to have her for as long as i did.
i also have a lot of other things to be thankful for. my family, friends, church, God, life, this world, mountain dew, great tv, the internet, tivo, apple, steak, potatoes (mashed or baked), rainbow sandals, electricity, my car, sushi, school, smart people, dumb people, in between people, the smell of rain on the pavement, the fact that i live in a place where i don't get to smell that too often, snow, microwaves, pizza, water, jeans, shoes, U2, and much much more. so, Thanksgiving actually came at a perfect time this year. it's probably the first Thanksgiving that i've actually spent some time thinking about what i'm thankful for.
i'm feeling better today. i was doing pretty well actually, until i decided to show one of my relatives the FIGURE video we did a few weeks back which, very prominently, features Stacy. (if you haven't checked it out, you should. www.figureonline.com/figure/media) i know this is the right thing... i just miss my best friend. she's a pretty cool chick.
happy thanksgiving everyone. love to you all.
"i feel numb" (day two)
Wednesday, November 22, 2006 Filed in: my life
yesterday was sad.
today is numb. at least it was until a few minutes
ago.
i've become so overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts that i think my brain has just stopped me from feeling them. there is so much good in my life and in the world and yet i feel like my universe just exploded.
i lost my girlfriend and my best friend in the same instant. there wasn't even a build up to it. we went to dinner. we had a great night. we had fun. and then it was over. my whole life was pretty much her for the past 2 1/2 years. i don't even know what to do with myself right now.
i lost my friends too. i mean, i know they're still there for me and that they still care and all... but realistically, it's not going to be anywhere near the same. they were hers first and they still all work with her. we can't be together right now, which means somebody has to be left out and it's going to be me. it should be me. i don't want to steal her friends from her. i want her to be surrounded by friends who can take care of her and love on her and make her feel loved and special and important. but that's a double-edged sword. that means i don't have them. so, i can't see how our random Disneyland trips, or lunch every Wednesday (and most other days too), or Grey's Anatomy every Thursday night can happen anymore. on top of all of that, the one person in my life who totally understands me and who i could talk to about anything (because we are essentially the same) got married a few weeks ago and so i lost that connection. (and rightfully so.) at least before i met Stacy, i had a 70-80 hour a week job that took up my time. now... how do i fill my time? i mean, sure... there are things that i do and am working on (FIGURE, Revolution, church stuff, house remodel and school) but there is now a HUGE void that i just don't know how to fill.
so now, i have a useless Disneyland pass. (i'm not going to go by myself... even though Jen would.) the shows i used to watch with Stacy and our friends, i now hate watching because i watch them alone. i eat alone and all my favorite places remind me of her. i have no distractions. i start to wonder... can i have a life here? do i need to go away and start over someplace else? i don't want to make new friends. i like my friends. i don't want to find a new church. i like my church (most of the time). i don't want a new routine... i like my old routine. i don't want a new best friend. i miss my best friend. until a few minutes ago, i was completely numb.
now, all of a sudden, there are tears in my eyes again. (i really thought that was over.) i never cry. before this week, i hadn't cried in over a year. how lame. what the hell is wrong with me? i liked being numb better.
by the way... i know i have my family and i know i have many amazing friends who care about me. (if you're reading this, you're probably one of them.) family is great, but is not supposed to substitute for friends. it complements friends. and the great friends that i have aren't apart of my regular daily life. i love them and i appreciate them. but they can't fill this void either.
i've become so overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts that i think my brain has just stopped me from feeling them. there is so much good in my life and in the world and yet i feel like my universe just exploded.
i lost my girlfriend and my best friend in the same instant. there wasn't even a build up to it. we went to dinner. we had a great night. we had fun. and then it was over. my whole life was pretty much her for the past 2 1/2 years. i don't even know what to do with myself right now.
i lost my friends too. i mean, i know they're still there for me and that they still care and all... but realistically, it's not going to be anywhere near the same. they were hers first and they still all work with her. we can't be together right now, which means somebody has to be left out and it's going to be me. it should be me. i don't want to steal her friends from her. i want her to be surrounded by friends who can take care of her and love on her and make her feel loved and special and important. but that's a double-edged sword. that means i don't have them. so, i can't see how our random Disneyland trips, or lunch every Wednesday (and most other days too), or Grey's Anatomy every Thursday night can happen anymore. on top of all of that, the one person in my life who totally understands me and who i could talk to about anything (because we are essentially the same) got married a few weeks ago and so i lost that connection. (and rightfully so.) at least before i met Stacy, i had a 70-80 hour a week job that took up my time. now... how do i fill my time? i mean, sure... there are things that i do and am working on (FIGURE, Revolution, church stuff, house remodel and school) but there is now a HUGE void that i just don't know how to fill.
so now, i have a useless Disneyland pass. (i'm not going to go by myself... even though Jen would.) the shows i used to watch with Stacy and our friends, i now hate watching because i watch them alone. i eat alone and all my favorite places remind me of her. i have no distractions. i start to wonder... can i have a life here? do i need to go away and start over someplace else? i don't want to make new friends. i like my friends. i don't want to find a new church. i like my church (most of the time). i don't want a new routine... i like my old routine. i don't want a new best friend. i miss my best friend. until a few minutes ago, i was completely numb.
now, all of a sudden, there are tears in my eyes again. (i really thought that was over.) i never cry. before this week, i hadn't cried in over a year. how lame. what the hell is wrong with me? i liked being numb better.
by the way... i know i have my family and i know i have many amazing friends who care about me. (if you're reading this, you're probably one of them.) family is great, but is not supposed to substitute for friends. it complements friends. and the great friends that i have aren't apart of my regular daily life. i love them and i appreciate them. but they can't fill this void either.
"'just' sad"
Tuesday, November 21, 2006 Filed in: my life
i hate the word "just."
people say "just" all the time. "just do the right
thing." "just do what God is telling you to do."
"just be patient." "just be strong." "just." like
it's easy. like those things are so easy to do that i
have no excuse for not doing them.
i'm sad. i wake up as though from a horrible dream and feel like someone is sitting on my chest and telling me to "just breathe." i'm overwhelmed. i can't deal with the onslaught of emotions i'm experiencing. the loss. the pain. the confusion. the lonliness.
i try to go through the motions of my day. try to act somewhat normal. i go to the store to buy toothpaste (cuz i'm out).
even that sucks.
i walk down the aisle to some really crappy love
song. i get my mentadent whitening and think "really?
i came all the way down here just for this?" as i
check out at the register the girl asks me "how are
you today?" she doesn't really want to know. (people
who ask rarely actually want to know.) as i say
"fine" i wonder if she can tell. i wonder if she has
any idea. i think about all the people that come
through her line all day that she asks "how are you
today?" and wonder how many of them are lying to her
when they say "fine" and wonder whether she knows or
cares that they're lying.
all i want to do is call my best friend. all i want to do is share this with her like i've shared almost every experience with her over the past two and a half years. but i can't. she can't be my best friend anymore and i can't be hers.
"just" doing the right thing is not easy. "just" following where God is directing can be excruciating.
i know this isn't like me. i know i'm the optimist or at least the realist and the one people depend on when they get like this. but it's my turn. maybe just for a few days. i don't know. i'll get through it. i'll be fine. i know that. i "just" miss my friend.
i'm sad. i wake up as though from a horrible dream and feel like someone is sitting on my chest and telling me to "just breathe." i'm overwhelmed. i can't deal with the onslaught of emotions i'm experiencing. the loss. the pain. the confusion. the lonliness.
i try to go through the motions of my day. try to act somewhat normal. i go to the store to buy toothpaste (cuz i'm out).
all i want to do is call my best friend. all i want to do is share this with her like i've shared almost every experience with her over the past two and a half years. but i can't. she can't be my best friend anymore and i can't be hers.
"just" doing the right thing is not easy. "just" following where God is directing can be excruciating.
i know this isn't like me. i know i'm the optimist or at least the realist and the one people depend on when they get like this. but it's my turn. maybe just for a few days. i don't know. i'll get through it. i'll be fine. i know that. i "just" miss my friend.