so, it was actually two weeks ago now, but i'm just getting around to writing it up. here's how it all went down...

Thursday afternoon (October 22nd), Kit, Tommy, Tyler and i loaded up into the Prius and headed out to Vegas. we had tickets to see U2 on the 360º Tour at Sam Boyd Stadium on Friday night and we were pumped! after a four hour jaunt through the desert, we arrived at the underwhelming "Excalibur Hotel and Casino." now, this is a bit strange for me because i remember when Excalibur first opened and was the cool hotel that everyone was talking about. now, it's pretty run down and old. however, it was one of the more inexpensive spots on the strip, so it was going to be home for a night. we dropped our things off at the hotel and immediately headed out for some blackjack.

i've never really gambled before. i mean, i've played the slots once or twice, but that's kinda lame. going into the weekend, i have to admit that i struggled with the concept. i mean... i could go and lose a ton of money and i think i'd feel pretty guilty for that, seeing as that would have been money that could have been used for some good in the world. (or at least for something worthwhile like food or clothes or something.) however, Kit had a great perspective on this the shaped my weekend. basically, the idea is that you go in deciding what a day of entertainment is worth to you. for me, i decided it would be $50. if you lose it, then at least you got the entertainment that you paid for. (the thrill of the game, etc...) if you don't, then it's a bonus. think of it this way... people drop $80+ to ride the rides and play the games at Disneyland every day and they have no chance at winning that back. so, $50 a day was my cost of entertainment. fortunately, i had the luck of the Larsons on my side!

we headed over to the Tropicana (one of the few places with $5 tables) and i immediately lost my $50. clearly, i had no idea what i was doing. right around the time that i lost my blackjack funding, Timmy Larson arrived (he had to work that day and left a bit after we did). we all grabbed some dinner at New York, New York, watched the Angels win the game, and then headed back to Tropicana. having already lost my money, i just watched. Timmy and Tommy were doing well, but the rest of us were already out. so, Tyler, Kit and i decided to wander the strip. we walked down to Bellagio and saw the fountains and then wandered through the mall at Caesar's Palace. (though, by this time, it was 11.30pm and everything was closing or closed.)

as we were walking back, i was exhausted and all i wanted to do was crawl into bed. (walking down the strip, i had an encounter with a... how shall i say this?... promiscuous lady. there was a 50 yard shimmy involved. needless to say, i chose to walk on. that's all i'll say.) as we approached Excalibur, we got a call from Tommy and Timmy that they were walking toward us. apparently, Timmy had done VERY well at the tables and when we found them, he generously donated $50 to each of our (so far) losing causes. the Larson brothers wanted to head back to the tables and, being that Timmy had been so generous, i couldn't decline. (though i wanted to so very badly.)

we walked back in to the Tropicana and arrived at the same table we'd been at earlier. (it was now about 12.30 am.) the table was full, so we waited for people to get up. i was the last to get a seat. actually, right before a seat opened up for me, i was about to tell the boys that i was heading back to our room. however, the seat opened up and i sat down. learning from my earlier mistakes and taking pointers from Tommy and Timmy, i spent the next three hours turning Timmy's $50 into $860. (and that's after i paid Timmy his $50 back.) yeah... i'm awesome. around 4 am, we decided it was probably time to get some sleep.

the next morning, we woke up, had some breakfast, checked out of the hotel and decided to head down to Circus Circus. (crappy place, but cheap tables there too.) i mostly just watched because the dealer was sketchy and it seemed like everyone was losing. after that, we grabbed lunch and hit up the old town Vegas and the Golden Nugget. so cool to see the old town. this is the Vegas you see in those old movies. (it's where the car chase was in "Diamonds are Forever.") very cool. we grabbed some pizza for dinner down there and then headed off to the main event... U2.

while everyone else seemed to be following the road signs for how to get to the stadium (and taking over and hour for what should be a 10 minute drive), we ignored the signs and went where our GPS told us to. we got there in 20 minutes and Timmy finagled his way into a pretty sweet spot right up front. at this point, i was giddy like a little school girl. (Timmy hadn't bought a ticket originally, but had done so well that he bought one that night.)

when i walked into the stadium and caught my first glimpse of the U2 claw (or spaceship as they also call it), i literally gasped. it was amazing. HUGE. pictures genuinely don't do the whole thing justice.

after a bit, the Black Eyed Peas came out and did their opening set. they were actually a lot of fun and a great opening act. i think they really got the crowd warmed up with all their "Boom Boom Pow" and "I Got A Feeling" and whatnot. it was fun. (this was the time when we had a little run in with Professor Bastard. he was a guy sitting next to us with his wife and who was just rude from the first minute he sat down. he looked like a professor, hence the nickname.) but it didn't matter... we weren't going to let some snooty professor type ruin anything!

if you've never been to a U2 show, i'm not sure how to communicate it in words. there's something there that i've never experienced at any other show. i mean, i've been to some great shows over the years, but there's just something different about a U2 show. it's like how church should be. i don't know. anyway, this was my 9th U2 show and it was probably the best one yet. from the moment they came on stage, there was an energy in the stadium that was overwhelming. it was very cool to enjoy it with Tyler, Timmy and Tommy who had never been to see U2 before. (Kit went with me to the last show of the Vertigo tour in '06.) anyway, they tore through their set of amazing songs for nearly two and half hours. it was awesome.

the coolest part was that they had this AMAZING setup, but it was all to enhance what these four guys were doing. the spectacle of it all was crazy-cool, but the main focus was always on this band and their music. Tommy noted on the way out how crazy it was to be able to see on their faces how much they still LOVE playing together after all these years.

anyway, thanks to Timmy's amazing parking spot, we were able to get out of their pretty quickly. we picked up my car from Excalibur and headed out to Stateline where we stayed the night. (there were reports the next day that people were still trying to get out of the stadium parking lot at 1.30 am, by which time we were at Stateline already.)

Stateline is... well, it's an interesting place. probably not a place i'd choose to stay again necessarily. it wasn't bad... but the people there were kinda... scary, to be honest. but, i won a few hundred more dollars, so i wasn't complaining too much!

on the way back through the desert on Saturday, i was cruising along at 83 mph when i got pulled over by a CHP officer. now, when i was in traffic school, we were told that we should never admit anything to the officer when you're pulled over. so, if he says "do you know how fast you were going?", you say "no." if i'd said "yes... i was going 83" then he can go ahead and write me up for that even if he didn't have anything on me. so, when he asked the question, i said "no." he responded with "i got you on radar going 92." this was not true. however, i'd already said i didn't know how fast i was going, so i couldn't go back on it and he wrote me up for 92 in a 70. (jerk.) i'm going to fight it because the whole thing was such BS and i am NOT giving all of my winnings to the state of California!

other than that, it was a great few days and a lot of fun to hang out with the guys. but it wasn't over yet... i still had U2 tickets for the Rose Bowl show on Sunday!

more to come!

-barnes

ps... enjoy the U2 pics below...

Tags: U2 | las vegas | tommy larson | kit rae | tyler carroll | timmy larson | chp

i learned the hard way the other day that Rogue cannot be put in a pen with no top to it. why? because she's pretty talented. check it out...

Tags: Rogue

last month, i was asked to write an article on the subject of worship for a Christian e-magazine. unfortunately, the article that was published got edited a bit more than i'd have liked. so, here's the article as i originally wrote it.

-mb
______________________

"thoughts from a recovering worshipper"

I guess I’d consider myself a recovering worshipper. Like many, I grew up going to church and thinking that worship was something you did at an appointed time and place and in a particular way. Usually, the place was church and the time was at the beginning of the service before announcements and the message. (Sometimes, we’d worship as the plates were passed after the announcements, but this time was usually saved for what was labeled, “special music performance.”) Then there was the method of worship. Worship was always singing with a live worship band and was usually led by five or six well-dressed singers with amazing voices singing in perfect harmony. (Though, occasionally, they’d let the guy with the country voice lead so as to reach another demographic. I was not in this demographic.) Does any of this sound familiar to you?
The problem for me was not the “how” of worship. Of course you can worship with six singers (or even, I suppose, a country singer). The problem came in the “why.” The “why” for worship was never incredibly compelling to me. Yes… we worship because God is worthy of our worship… but why before the announcements? Why with three “praise” songs followed by one “worship” song? Why was worship always through singing? I always felt like I was worshipping because somebody else decided it was time. There had to be more.

A few months ago, I was working on our Tru curriculum with my friend, Kit. (Kit also happens to be our Children’s Pastor.) I was trying to find the right words to explain our philosophy of transformational learning when Kit gave me a great word picture. He said that traditional Christian education approaches learning like collecting. It’s as though kids are given a bag, and throughout their lives they collect information to be put into their bag. The bag, however, is something that they can hold at a distance or even leave behind at some point. It isn’t a part of them. It doesn’t change them. In fact, sometimes, it weighs them down. In contrast, transformational learning uses the same information to change the person. Instead of holding the info in a bag, it becomes a part of who they are and changes their identity. It focuses on allowing a person to encounter God and be transformed.

Needless to say, I loved his description. The picture he painted described my own education in Christianity flawlessly. I memorized stories and verses. I knew that the ark was built out of gopher wood. (Though I’m still not sure what gopher wood is.) I could list the books of the Bible, the Ten Commandments and the twelve apostles. But did any of this transform me? Not really.

When I was a younger man and was off at college, I took an internship with the college group at the local church. This is where my transformation began. In many ways, God began to reveal His character to me. In doing so, I began to see my true identity in Him. Whenever this would happen, I would want to respond somehow. Actually, it was more than that. I would need to respond. Apparently, I was in good company. Throughout scriptures, we see examples of people finding ways to respond to God’s goodness.

In Exodus 15, when God has lead the Israelites out of captivity in Egypt and across the dry ground of the Red Sea, His people respond by singing songs to Him. In 1 Samuel 7, when God is faithful to deliver His people in battle, Samuel stops to respond by setting up the Ebenezer Stone. Or look at the people in Acts who witness the day of Pentecost. After the Spirit descends on them, they respond by giving up everything they have to the cause of Christ. In Romans 12:1, Paul tells us that our response to God’s wisdom, knowledge and glory should be to give our lives to Him. He says that this response is our spiritual act of worship.
Worship is our response to God’s power and glory. It’s our response to who He is. One thing that was very different about the college group I was interning with was that we did the bulk of our worship after the message. Worship was a response to the ways God had revealed Himself. Some people sang. Some danced. Others prayed, tithed or took communion with friends and strangers. Some stayed for a little while and others stayed for a long time. Sometimes we’d sing a few songs and other times we’d worship for hours into the night. In each instance, we were choosing to respond to God by sacrificing our time, our money, our energy, our voices and anything else we could. For the first time, I got the “why” behind worship.

This has fueled much of the work I’m doing today. At ROCKHARBOR church, we also provide the opportunity for response after experiences with God. For years, we’ve provided response options that flow directly out of the message as a way for adults to worship. About a year ago, we began providing the same kinds of opportunities to our kids. I’ve never seen anything like it. Kids as young as three and four years old choosing how they will respond to God in worship. They’re experiencing something I didn’t until I was 20.

When I think of what I want for this next generation, this is it! I don’t particularly care if they know about the gopher wood, but I do care that they know who God is. I want them to know His character. I want their identity to be found and formed in Him and who He has created them to be. I want life transformation that elicits response. I want to see kids who have been impacted and changed by the very Spirit of God and are compelled to worship Him.

As people who are called to minister to the children of the next generation, it is upon us to replicate our faith in them. If we can help our kids experience God and make sure they are free to respond in worship, they’ll see a world impacted and changed by Christ through them.

Tags: worship | church | God | response

some of you know the tale of my first foray into the world of dog ownership. if you don't, here's the short version...

six years ago, on a whim, i bought a Jack Russell Terrier from a pet store at the mall. at the time, i lived in a condo in Anaheim Hills that had a 5x5 slab of concrete for a backyard. apparently, you're supposed to research the dog you want before you make the purchase. i clearly didn't understand this concept and learned after purchasing my dog (Scout) that he required ample room for exercise. fortunately, everyday i drove by my parent's house on the way to work. i would drop Scout off at their house to play in their big backyard with our family dog, Baby. on my way home from work (often times as late as 9 at night), i would pick Scout up only to put him to bed so i could drop him off again in the morning. after a while, he began staying at my parent's for the whole week and i'd pick him up on the weekends. after a few weeks of this, my mom claimed Scout as her own and refused to let me take him anymore. seeing as he was infinitely happier with a large yard and a best friend, i decided to let him stay. (if you ask my parents, you'll probably hear lies about being a dead-beat dad. but that's all crap.)

fast forward to 2009. Scout is still living (mostly) happily with my parents (he's had a few accidents along the way) and i'm getting the urge to enter the dog world again. this time, i've put much more time and effort into my decision. i've researched various breeds and found just the perfect one for my situation... a French Bulldog. they're cute, don't require a ton of exercise and are perfect for apartment life.

well, last month, i bought myself an early birthday present when i brought Rogue home. she's a six month old Frenchie (that's what they call them... though it looks very girly now that i see it in writing) and she's amazing. i had Rogue at home with me for about two weeks when i decided to send her off to the same dog-training course that my parents put Scout through six years ago. so, for the past two and a half weeks, Rogue has been learning to sit, come, stay and poo and pee in the correct locations. (mostly, not on my white rug.) but Rogue comes home on Tuesday and i can't wait to have her back!

here's a quick video of her playing in my place. (watch for the end when you can see her up close... so cute.)

Tags: Rogue | Dogs | Second Chances

you know... when i last updated this blog, way back in March, i had fully intended to do a better job at keeping it up.

i failed.

my life is pretty crazy these days. that's why i keep putting this kind of thing off. i'm doing the ROCKHARBOR thing and the Cook thing (also known as the Tru thing) as well as trying to keep some semblance of sanity going on and it's easy to choose things to not do. this has been one of them.

however, i'm finding that i miss it. there is a need to purge myself of thoughts and emotions occasionally and blogging has allowed that for me in the past. so, i'm back!

my goal will be to blog at least once a week. also, i'm doing the twitter thing. my screenname there is matthewbarnes. (pretty easy to remember!)

in the meantime, here is a link to a teaser video for what i've been working on (www.truministry.com). it should be up for a few more weeks.

here's to the need to blog!

-barnes

hello out there.

not that there’s probably anyone reading this anymore. i mean, i update so infrequently, i don’t blame anyone for having given up on me all together.

however, i’ll keep writing if only to allow my brain a place to dump from time to time.

the last few months have been crazy and amazing and busy and overwhelming all at the same time. there’s just been so much going on. i’m not even sure what to include and what to leave out. how about this? instead of each and every detail, i’ll start with the end result and look back at the relevant details.

so, as of last week, i am now the Product Developer for the Trû project. this means that i have my own team that i’ll be leading and developing as we develop this project between ROCKHARBOR and David C. Cook. in many ways, it’s the fulfillment of years of waiting on and trusting in God for what He has for me.

the past few years haven’t made a ton of sense for me. i spent several years trying to figure out what i wanted to do. i tried to force things to work at Friends and with FIGURE and in other areas so that i could have something. i guess, deep down, i knew that none of those things was where God really wanted me. but i couldn’t just let go of that.

then He brought me to ROCKHARBOR and gave me the job of Associate Director of ROCKHARBOR families. while i absolutely knew that this was where He had me, i didn’t know or understand why. nobody really did. we just knew it was. as everything began falling into place for ROCKHARBOR families and the project with Cook, i didn’t quite understand my place in the whole thing. i knew, however, that i belonged in it. i just didn’t understand how or where. what i really didn’t understand was that during that time, over the past year, i was being prepared for this moment.

last month, Sharron (my boss and leader of the Trû production team) stepped down. suddenly, i was called to step up to the plate. they needed someone to lead this team, but they wanted to do it differently. they wanted someone who knew and understood the philosophy inside out. they wanted someone who would lead a team and not manage a project. they wanted someone who was rooted in ROCKHARBOR culture. they wanted someone who could work day-in and day-out with Michelle to create a product grounded in the philosophy and ministry of ROCKHARBOR families. they wanted me.

you can see how it became suddenly clear why God had taken me on the path he had over the past year. there is nobody else that is qualified to do this job. so... here i am. simultaneously the Director of Families Development for ROCKHARBOR and the Product Developer for David C. Cook. it’s a little overwhelming. (the project is a little behind schedule and i have to figure out how to get things back on track.) but the great thing is, this is everything i wanted to be doing. it’s also everything i knew i was capable of. all of the things that Lutheran High and Friends tried to tell me i couldn’t do (and almost had me convinced i couldn’t do), i’m now doing.

the adventure continues!

- barnes

happy new year!!!!

yes, it’s the second day of 2009 and yes, i’m still wondering where the crap my flying car is! (they* promised that we’d have them by now.)

anyway, i know it’s been forever since i’ve updated my blog. these past few months have been crazy busy and i had some issues with my web program so i gave up until things slowed down a bit.

no worries though... i’ve still been taking pictures almost every day and i’ll be bringing things up to speed over the next week or so. (life through the end of September can be seen in pictures now!)

last year, as you probably already know, was the year of the “Daily Picture.” i enjoyed that a lot and (while many found it annoying) it forced me to document life more thoroughly. i’m going to continue that this year, though perhaps not quite as thoroughly. however, i saw something online a few months ago that gave me an idea for what i’d be doing in 2009.

basically, this guy took a picture of himself every day for a long time and put it together into a video slideshow. it was like one of those flipbooks, but instead of seeing him moving or whatever, you could watch his hair grow and whatnot. i thought that was pretty cool. this year, i’ll be taking a picture of me every day. i’ll probably just use Photobooth here on my Mac. i don’t know what i’ll do with it at the end of the year (video or photobook or whatever) but i think it would be cool to see how a person changes day-to-day over the course of a year. (i wish i’d done it last year when i lost all that weight!)

okay... so that’s that.

later i’ll post again and sorta bring you up to speed on what’s been going on in my life over the past few months.

peace!

-barnes

* Michelle always wants to know who “they” are. “they” are “them.” the collective ominous bunch of people who make ridiculous predictions that don’t come true but get them started as rumors anyway. “they” can be anyone. “they” might even be you.**

** let me know if you are “they.” i have questions.

tonight, we got together with the Corks, Chandlers and our family to celebrate Christmas. as always, a fun time was had by all!

you think school’s out and you’re done... but you’re not. the whole “last day of school” thing is so anticlimactic for a teacher. today, i graded a lot of papers.

as a surprise date, Stacy took me to do something i’ve never done before...

shoot a gun! it was pretty awesome!

i was out for a walk today and noticed that the clouds were amazing... so i went back and got my camera.



tonight, i hosted our annual “Twas the Night Before Christmas” family event. it’s actually an event put on by the Arts department for our families. (we just support it.) but, this year, i hosted... and it was awesome! the families are all supposed to come in their pajamas and watch Christmas stories acted out for them. check out my PJ’s!

what do you do when the budget is running low and you have a giant party to throw for all of your leaders? apparently, you make it a potluck and give it a 50s theme for extra measure!

i can’t believe it’s been a year since the last one i was at (as a volunteer!). what a great year!



Tammi tries to shoot a gun... entertaining.


she looks like she’s singing, but she’s not... she’s talking about her amazing volunteers.


ha ha ha ha ha ha ha


ah... they’re goofy.


Pete wins.


again...


i think Pete loses here.


an excellent look for Keving.


i guess she asked “what needs to be done?”

this morning, we met over at Leigh’s house for our last meetings. it was actually kinda interesting. some of the preschool curriculum discussion got a bit heated. (a sentence that makes me laugh out loud just now that i read it.)

but it was good. it lead to some great discoveries about our team and the dynamics we’re working with. in any case, the meeting was a little more relaxed than the others!


Janet wanted to be comfortable.


Cristi is passionate about preschool scope and sequence!


Tori really wants to care but the blanket makes her want to take a nap.


Leigh just observes. i think we’re fascinating to her. like a case study.


when Cristi really gets passionate, she stands up.


(the previous pictures of me were posed in order to convince people that i made some positive contributions to the meeting. i did not.)

later, we headed into town for some lunch and had a lot of great conversations about personality and shared great stories and laughed a lot! (also, we debated the under or over use of the word “love.”)



also, Michelle accused me of not giving good hugs. so then, everyone had to rate my hugs and, in the end, it was decided that my hugs were, in fact, amazing. (thank you very much.)



on the way out of town, we drove through this amazing place called “The Garden of the Gods.” it was really beautiful and there were all these amazing naturally occurring formations.



unfortunately, we didn’t really have time for the whole “Garden of the Gods” thing so we had to haul ass to the airport from there. we barely made it!

all in all, a great trip... though i’m glad to be home!



by the way, Leigh... we LOVE you! ;-)

so, today was pretty much meetings all day.

but these are pictures i took from our drive on the way into the office.



beautiful.

anyway, i had a meeting with Janet this morning over breakfast to talk about what leadership would look like in the curriculum. then it was meetings all day to talk about branding and components and content and on and on.

it was very productive though and... the really beautiful thing about this company... they have Mountain Dew in their cafeteria in ALL THREE FORMS!!! (bottled, canned and fountain dew.) amazing.



that night, we had the DCC company Christmas party. this is where i really saw the cultural differences between DCC and RH. if you saw the pictures from the RH Christmas party, you got the idea of what that was like. well, this was as opposite as you can get.

people in formals in a banquet room at a hotel. a speaker. a full dinner with appetizers, salad (which i didn’t eat, of course... being a meat-a-tarian and all), a main course and dessert. worship.

well, you get the idea. it was different. and i’m not sure if we fit in. we were laughing a lot and having fun. people kept looking at our table. (i’m not sure if they were annoyed at us or jealous that they weren’t sitting with us. probably a little of both.) ;-)

anyway, here are the pics...

today, Michelle, Tori, Cristi and i headed out for Colorado Springs for a three day trip to meet our Colorado counterparts!



the flight was a little hairy. we got about ten feet above the runway when the pilot pulled back up because it was too icy to land. we flew around for 45 minutes while they somehow de-iced the runway. (i’m not sure what this consists of. i picture hundreds of men out there scraping away at the tarmac with giant ice-scrapers.)



then, after we landed, Michelle broke her heel while we were getting the rental car. (really, Michelle? high heels in the snow?)



so, by the time we got on the road, we were already running late (because of the 45 minutes extra in the air) and we were really hungry! so, we decided that even though we had meetings to go to, our stomachs had to come first. we found a Chili’s that had a Kohl’s in the same parking lot and we got lunch and new shoes for Michelle all in one stop.



and then it was on to the David C. Cook fortress (it’s seriously this intimidating looking building that can only be described as a fortress).



when we got there, we were welcomed by Janet and Leigh and the entire company. (we were kinda treated like celebrities. i think it’s the California thing.) we had a meeting or two and headed off to a great dinner.

more tomorrow!

oh... when we were getting a tour of the DCC building, we saw this and thought it was pretty cool. (minus the unfortunate location of the fire alarm.)

i think the title says it all. normally, the RH staff goes to Disneyland for the Christmas party, but this year... well, we have budget issues. so, we stayed in and made a party of it all!

enjoy the ugly sweaters and know that i got 3rd place for the guys. (not bad out of like 30 or so guys!)


um... yeah. we look good.


a few sizes too small there, Mike.


Aida won it all!


Lexie actually made Tim’s sweater for him!


there are now two Basix cd’s floating around out there. watch out, Tommy!


not an ugly sweater... SHAME!!!!


ugly sweaters and ugly couches.


the finalists.


waiting in line for TK Burger


Doug Berry tries to hide his Starbucks in his pocket before he goes into the movie theater. (it didn’t work!)

our family has a tradition that we usually set up Christmas the day after Thanksgiving. somehow, this year, that got pushed off to the day after the day after Thanksgiving.

anyway, we met up at the house along with Brett and Dakota and began to take Christmas out of storage. another tradition me and my sisters have is to put Santa and Mrs. Claus in inappropriate (read sexually compromising) positions in order to freak my mom out. of course, at this point, she doesn’t freak out as much anymore but she does still get a little ruffled and it’s entertaining.



Dakota looked ridiculously cute today... especially after she found this crown somewhere in the house.



we went to see Scout again, and (though it’s hard to tell here), he actually looked much better. they say he’ll be able to come home in a few days. (which is a bit hard to believe.)

it’s Thanksgiving!

we headed up to my parent’s house. we didn’t have as many family members there as usual since Amie was in Indiana and Andy moved to Australia. but Megan brought Ryan (more on that in a moment) and Stacy brought her mom, sister and the kids.



after dinner, Ryan decided to get my dad by smashing his face in a plate of whipped cream... it was pretty awesome! (anyone that ballsy is more than welcome in our house!)



dad was shocked and got him back in very unoriginal style.



we had originally planned on going to a movie after dinner. but this is what happens every year. we decide to see a movie. the time comes to go. we debate whether we should really go or not. and then it’s about an 80% chance that we won’t end up going. we didn’t go this year. instead, we watched “As Good As It Gets” at home.


(Meri loves it when i take pictures of her.)

finally, Scout had a bad week. yesterday, he got out and was attacked by a bobcat. he’s in the hospital and they’re not totally sure he’s going to make it. so, we decided to end the night by going to visit him. he did not look good.

there are two bands that i will see every time they come through town if i can...

U2 and Coldplay.

Coldplay was at the Pond (Honda Center) tonight, so... of course... so was i!

it was great. they have seriously gotten better every time i’ve seen them. so talented.

on top of that, it was POURING rain outside and we parked about 1/2 a mile away and had no umbrella. so, we really were playing in the cold as we ran to the concert and back.

tonight, we had all of our elementary volunteers over for an early Thanksgiving dinner at my place.

last week, our extended family suffered a loss.

as some of you know, my cousin, Jordan, has been living with my parents for the past few months. we’ve become pretty close to him over the past years as he and Megan graduated from Pepperdine together. aside from Jordan, we’re not very close with his family or that side of the family. he’s kind of a more distant cousin and we only got connected with him because of he and Megan going to Pepperdine together.

anyway, Jordan’s brother, Jared, passed away last week. today was the funeral. i went up with Bekie and met Megan and my parents there.

it was a bit awkward for a few reasons. first, we aren’t very close to that side of the family. second, it was kind of like a family reunion, but under horrible circumstances. (those are always awkward anyway.) third, they asked Matthew Cork to do the message and i think that trying to give hope and peace to a family you don’t know of a person who took their own life is a difficult thing. (Matthew did a great job and i don’t envy him that task.)

Jordan and his family are, of course, a wreck right now. it’s hard to see anyone going through that kind of pain. i wasn’t sure if i should be there at first, but i’m glad i went now. i know Jordan appreciated it.

obviously, it would have been highly inappropriate to be snapping pictures during the service, but i did take one quick one from the car as we were leaving the graveside service. at least it was a very beautiful day.



on a more positive note, Bekie and i had a great time catching up on the rides up and back. also, she made me go to the Urgent Care to get my foot looked at because i had refused to do so. (it was a little infected.)

today... i realized that i, matthew morgan barnes, am a man of great influence and power.

as of today, November 8th, 2008... there is Mountain Dew in the ROCKHARBOR staff vending machine.

so, tonight we were supposed to go to Disneyland with a bunch of people from work. i was very excited about this.

Stacy was on her way over to my house so we could go when disaster struck. as i was opening the door to my bedroom, my foot got in the way (bad foot!) and the door (with a metal strip running down the side of it) went over the top of my foot and the metal strip cut it pretty badly.

i didn’t feel it at first. i wasn’t looking that way, but just from the way the door felt as i pushed it open, i knew something wasn’t right. then i looked down.

mucho blood.

i knew that the shock of it would wear off pretty quickly so i took advantage of the lack of pain that i was experiencing. i started to think about whether i had any large bandages or not... just as i began to realize that i didn’t, the pain kicked in.

HOLY CRAP ON A STICK!!!! (it was painful.)

all i could come up with to stop the bleeding was wrapping my foot in paper towels and painters tape. so, that’s what i did.

and then i called Stacy and said “so... i think we’re probably not going to Disneyland, but if you could pick up some large bandages on your way over, that would be awesome!”

she was a little confused at first, but then i explained the situation and the level of pain i was experiencing. she came quickly with bandages.

we didn’t go to Disneyland.

we watched “Across the Universe” instead. (a descent but too long movie that made some obvious plot sacrifices to fit in particular songs.)

good night!

tonight, Megan and Carly Manarelli got baptized in the service at ROCKHARBOR. Megan is a 5th grader who i’ve known for a year and a half now and Carly is her 1st grade sister who is, clearly, my best friend. anyway, when you’re getting baptized, you can ask for anyone you want to actually do it and Megan asked me. (Carly asked Stacy.) this was a very cool honor.

now, if you’ve never been to a baptism at ROCKHARBOR, let me set the stage for you. it’s just about the end of the service and there is an inflatable pool on stage. as each person is brought up to be baptized, the worship team is playing and the whole place is singing. each time a person goes under, the place goes nuts. i mean... yelling and cheering like the home team just scored a touchdown. (the first, and probably last sports analogy you’ll ever read on this blog.) it’s a pretty cool experience and i try to make it to all of them.

i’ll let the pictures tell the rest of the story. (look for Poison guitarist, CeCe Deville in one of the pictures. i guess he became a Christian and has been coming to ROCKHARBOR for a while now.)

part of my costume required me to be clean-shaven and have a mustache. unfortunately, i hadn’t let mine grow long enough yet. (but i tried it out first anyway.)



(Stacy hates that.)

tonight was the Anthony’s Costume Party. the costumes were pretty amazing. let me take you through them.

first, we have Camille and her husband, John as Pam and Jim from The Office.



next, we have our lovely host, Michelle Anthony, as Cleopatra.



Gabe came as a nerd who got beat up. (might not have been a costume.)



Tom Swogger came as some video game character. (i don’t know who he was supposed to be, but supposedly, he was dead on.)



Sharron’s husband, Jimmy, came as Tiger Woods.



Ang and Alex were Velma and Shaggy from Scooby Do.



Tyler and Allison were, of course, Dwight and Angela. (amazing.)



Kit and Gina were Bleeker and Juno from the movie Juno.



Tommy came as.... um... some sort of cheese... thing. and Keri came as Ugly Betty.



Cristi came as a black-jack dealing cat. (“come on, cat!”)



and Ashley and Tori came as the season of Fall and a butterfly (respectively).



there were some others as well (who you’ll see in the group shots), but i didn’t get individual shots of them. however, the winners of the costume contest were, of course, Stacy and i as Michael and Michelle Anthony.



it was pretty awesome. people literally kept thinking we were them all night. (yes... Stacy cut a Styrofoam ball in half to create giant boobs.) here are the pictures from the rest of the night.

this morning, i didn’t have a clue how long it would take for three kids to get ready for church. so, i woke them up at 7 (Nolan was already playing Wii when i woke up at 6.30) and had them start getting ready. i needed to be at church by 8.45, so i figured that would give them an hour and a half to get up, eat breakfast, take showers, get dressed, etc...

they were ready to go by 7.30. now we had an hour to kill before we needed to leave. i really need to figure this kids thing out.



unfortunately for them, they had to sit through two services since i was teaching at the second service and had to be there for the first. of course, since i had The Conversation all week and then was trying to keep up with the Corks all weekend, my lesson in The Hub sucked. bad. what are you going to do?

after church was out, i took them back to my parent’s house, but not before we had a large disagreement in the car about where we might go for lunch. (Burger King ended up being the winner.)

one at a time is good. three is a bit much.

so, today i did something that might be considered monumentally stupid. the Cork’s (Matthew and Mardi) are in India and my parents and the Chandlers have been taking turns taking care of the kids. however, both of them were busy tonight and they asked me if i’d take them. i said yes. i’m not sure why.

i mean, to go from having zero kids to having three kids under the age of 9 in one day is a little overwhelming. especially after The Conversation being this week and with me teaching in The Hub (high school group) tomorrow.

first, i picked them up from my parent’s around 1. i decided to keep the entertained by taking them to Boomers for some mini golf. (good call!)



after Boomers we went and grabbed some pizza at Roundtable. i forgot how good Roundtable is!



after that, i had promised a friend of mine from church that i’d come and check out his art exhibit at the Costa Mesa City Art Show at Triangle Square. the kids actually seemed to like it. unfortunately, Ella fell on the escalator and cut herself. she was okay after a few minutes, but she wanted me to carry her, which i couldn’t do for very long. (she’s not two anymore!)



after that, we went home and played Guitar Hero. but i wasn’t sure what to do with them at this point, so i called Stacy (who was working the Saturday night service) and left a one word voicemail... “HELP!”

she came over around 8.30 and we all walked to Cherry On Top for some yogurt and then watched some of “Elf” before hitting the sack.



all-in-all... a good, but exhausting, day. but we’re not done yet!

so, these last two days were pretty much amazing. i mean, even though i was a van driver and a session leader for our little summit here, it was pretty great.

this conference was the culmination of everything we’ve been working for since i came onboard back in January. (for Michelle, it’s the culmination of over four years of work.) today, Michelle got to present our philosophy of family ministries and people were eating it up. this project could be HUGE. it’s the end of the beginning and the beginning of something big.

the picture below is of the president of Cook (Chris) opening the day for us this morning.



later today i was driving along and i saw this truck. i wonder if he’s a relative?

today was pretty awesome. “The Conversation” started and we had around 40 people from all over the country here to talk about Family Ministries. Michelle, Janet, Sharron and i all got a chance to lead sessions and the participants were totally into it.

on Thursday and Friday of this week, we’re hosting a conference here at ROCKHARBOR to get some feedback from practitioners and professionals on the Cook/RH project. today, we met to get everyone on the same page for it.

today was the day i’d been waiting for since i came on staff nine months ago. i’d heard all about it last year before i came on and i couldn’t wait to see what we were going to do this year.

it was Staff Day Away.

every year, the staff gets a fun day away in the fall as a sort of kick off for the next ministry year. it’s a RH tradition that last year had the staff running all over Orange County on a scavenger hunt that ended with a boat ride in Newport Harbor. that was before i was on staff. so, i’ve been looking forward to this for a long time.

well... whenever you look forward to something like that, you’re bound to be let down one way or another. Michelle tried to warn us ahead of time, but we didn’t really listen. you see, our staff day away, really wasn’t.

we showed up in the morning and were told that we would be meeting with our sabbatical groups to catch up and spend some time together. not quite what i had in mind, but i thought “well, we’ll do this and then the fun will start, i’m sure.”

so, our group went to this little place called “Milk and Honey” and hung out.



it was nice to catch up with Laura and Andrew and i’m glad we got the chance to do that since our sabbaticals were so long ago. but as our hour came to a close, we rushed back to RH with anticipation for what would be next.

next was sharing time. reflecting on the past year. reflecting on our sabbaticals. reflecting on our ministries.

again... not what we were expecting.

the Taco Man came for lunch, which everyone seemed pretty excited about. (even though i’m not a huge Mexican food fan, i did enjoy the Taco Man.)

after lunch, we were told to get into our sabbatical groups for a little contest. ROCKHARBOR has a tradition (usually at Christmas) where they play Human Shuffleboard on office chairs in the hallway. this was another tradition i’d been looking forward to participating in. turns out, today would be my chance!

however, as Erre began to announce the game, he also announced some changes in the rules. usually, no one is allowed to touch the walls under any circumstances. if you do, you’re disqualified. this means that if you get near a wall, you have to stop yourself so that you can at least keep your distance. furthermore, they would normally line the walls of hall with people to ensure that nobody would go crashing into a wall. not this year though.

this year, Erre and Todd decided (as they were announcing this, i think) that you would be disqualified if you stopped yourself in any way. if you put out an arm or leg to stop yourself from hitting a wall, you were out. everybody thought something didn’t sound right about this, but we went along with it anyway.

i grabbed my chair and my team nominated me to ride down the hallway. we were fourth to go. we were also the first injury.

as i was hurled down the hallway at breakneck speeds, things were going pretty well. i was traveling quickly and in a straight line. as i began to approach The Commons, things changed. i began to veer to the left.... straight toward an outward sticking corner where Angelina had stopped before me. i was sitting cross-legged on the chair and my knees were sticking out just a bit. there was nothing i could do.

i crashed HARD into the corner and banged up my upper-shin pretty good. in fact, i’m not sure i’ve ever been in that kind of pain before. the wall’s corner was reinforced with metal and my shin indented in by about an inch. there was blood. there was pain. and i was laughing harder than i’ve laughed in a long time. (it was a bit confusing!)

did this stop the game? of course not! and being that i was 4th out of 11 (i think) i got to sit in the hallway as others came hurtling toward me, blood dripping down my leg and all. at one point, Amy Burdick was flying toward me. at the last second, Stacy (who apparently didn’t want to see me injured any further) pulled me out of the way. unfortunately, i was the only thing in between Burdick and the win. she went almost all the way to the main entrance doors and won the whole thing.

the pictures don’t do it justice. the wound is much worse than it looks. you can’t hear 1/2 of the people excited about the game and the other 1/2 pleading for someone to stop it all so that there wouldn’t be any more injuries. (i wasn’t the only one. turns out Tracy Close broke her thumb and will need a cast and surgery and others got slammed into as they sat like lame ducks in the hallway.) poor Carlos (our facilities guy) was pleading for someone to stop this as the hallway was getting torn up from chairs and body parts slamming into it.

yeah... probably wasn’t the best idea. but it was memorable!!!



afterward, we went across the street and watched “Napoleon Dynamite” in The Box.

not sure why.



so, all-in-all, Staff Day Away wasn’t away and wasn’t what we’d hoped for. i forgot what Janet and i learned in India... keep your expectations low and you won’t be let down. :-)

oh... and later, Stacy and i went and test drove an M3 for fun. it was pretty awesome!

i didn’t take any pictures yesterday at the memorial service because... i guess i was a little distracted and forgot.

today, everyone came over and had dinner and hung out for Brett, Lisa and my birthdays. it was fun to do that with Jody here and everything. it was like old times and was comforting.

today’s word was supposed to be “test.” we were going to still try to work it in to the day to create a brighter spot, but Stacy got called in to work (which caused untold chaos with the family anyway) and so we didn’t get to do that.

this morning was the graveside service for grandma. mom and dad had asked me to do the service. it was just us so it was a little odd. but with our family, it was, of course, interesting! :-)

Stacy, Megan and i got there before everyone else. Aunt Pam showed up next and my parents, Meri, Martha and Virginia were about 10 minutes late. so, as they walked up, Stacy, Megan, and Pam stood in a line while i held up my Bible and pretended to be finishing the service. as they got closer, i said “amen!” and we all started walking away. we all laughed a bit and then we had to do the service.

i talked about how for us, this was the beginning of a weekend of celebrating who Grandma was to us. i read some verses and we said goodbye. it was short and to the point.

after, we all went to Mimi’s for lunch. later, i picked up Jody up from the airport and we all went up to my parent’s to hang out with the fam, the Corks and the Chandlers. it was exactly what we needed to celebrate who Grandma was.

tomorrow is the memorial service at the house.



here’s the puzzle clue for today that we didnt’ get to do yet.

first, i weighed in this morning.



today’s words from Stacy were “Starting New.” i found this puzzle in my car. at the front desk was a Biola Sweatshirt as today was my first day teaching at Biola University.



i’m teaching two classes at Biola this semester. the first is an internship class and the second is an evangelism and discipleship class. today was my first day and it was pretty freakin’ awesome!

i woke up this morning to the ringing of my phone. before i answered, somehow i just knew...

Grandma Jeanne had passed away.

now, it’s not like we didn’t see it coming... we did. in fact, over the past few years, we’d gotten used to being told “she’s only got a day or two left,” but then she’d always make some miraculous recovery and be home in a day or two.

fortunately, this wasn’t like any of those times. there was no traumatic episode or rush to the hospital. she simply went peacefully in the night.

after i got the news, i still had to go and work at church. after church, i was supposed to go sailing with Michael Anthony, Kit and Tommy. however, given the events of the day, i headed up to the house to be with my family. we spent the afternoon eating (a lot) and talking and laughing. it was good to be together.

Stacy stayed home today because she had planned something for tonight to kick off my birthday week. when i got back to my place around 5.30, she was in the kitchen preparing a dinner for me. i took a quick nap and when i got up she had finished cooking. but then things got a little weird.

dinner was ready, but she just kept talking instead of serving the food. then the doorbell rang. it was Tommy. he said that he was driving back from the marina (they went sailing without me) and had a birthday present he wanted to drop off. (a signed copy of his old Basix cd... best present ever!) he gave it to me... we laughed... he said he didn’t want to interrupt our “romantic dinner”... and then he kept talking. then the doorbell rang again. it was Timmy.

i knew that Timmy had taken my place on the sailing trip and so, i assumed that he must have been parking the car or waiting in the car for Tommy and had gotten sick of waiting. but as we’re talking, Stacy reaches into a cabinet and pulls out a whole bowl of popcorn. this confused me a bit. just then, the front door opened again and in came more people. it was a reverse surprise party! (very creative)

the title of the party was “the one where matt turns 30” (just like the “Friends” episode) and was mostly like a kid’s birthday party. we had hats, toys and even a piñata! it was pretty awesome.

at the end of the night, Stacy gave me a gift that it took me a while to understand. (i’m slow like that.) it was a series of picture frames each with a word for each day of the coming week. these were to be hints of what that day would hold. the words were “surprise” (for today), “starting new,” “memories,” “simple,” “relax,” and “test.” i’m excited to see what she’s got planned!

here are the pictures from the party...

so, as you may or may not know, i’m going to be teaching a few classes at Biola in the fall. of course, the irony of this is not lost on anyone who knows me and knows that i’ve always made fun of Biola. but there are two reasons that i’ve decided to do this.

first, i’ve been asked to help change some of the very things i’ve made fun of. (not all of them... but some of them.)

second, the classes that i’m teaching are in areas that i’ve been personally exploring. the first class is an Evangelism and Discipleship class where we’re going to look at what it even means to be a Christian and what kind of response we can have to a God who loves us the way He does. of course, this relates directly to my blog from last month (“my significant insignificance and maybe too much information”).

anyway, the reason i bring this up is that it became the subject of our entire retreat here. i got to test out some of my ideas and thoughts on these kids and they loved it and we had some great conversations. i’m excited to get into the classroom and give this stuff a go. it’ll be cool because we’ll all be on a journey together discovering the same things instead of my simply standing and lecturing and giving the “right answers.”

today was the last day of the retreat here and we looked at ourselves in the context of history and God’s big story. it was a great sendoff for all of us. but before we go, we had to complete the annual tradition of playing Helium Stick.

if you don’t know what Helium Stick is, you have to try it some time. get some thin bamboo sticks (you can get a bag of 5 at Home Depot for like a buck) and have 4-6 people get in a group. hold the stick out at about shoulder level and have them gather on both sides. they can use one finger (their pointer) which must be facing up with the stick laying on top of it and must be straight out (not crooked). the group has to lower the stick to the ground without letting anyone’s fingers come off the stick at any point. if someone’s finger comes off even for a second, the group must start over.

lower a stick to the ground together. sounds easy! ha ha. sadly, nobody succeeded this year.

we have decided that the state motto for Arizona should be “Arizona... the land of hot dirt.”

what do you think? catchy huh?

anyway... we’re here in Havasu for a couple of days. i’m doing the annual Service Team Leadership Retreat up here next week and wanted to come up here and get things ready. (also, i wanted to play on the sweet new Sea-Doos.)

this morning, i was hungry and wanted an Uncrustable sandwich. i didn’t, however, want to wait 20-30 minutes for the thing to defrost. fortunately, when it’s 110 degrees outside, 3 minutes on the driveway will do it!



we had to apply the identification numbers to the Sea Doos before we could take them out. Alex did the ones in the first picture and i did the ones in the second. i think mine look better, but he disagrees.



it may be hot dirt... but it is beautiful hot dirt sometimes.



tonight, we went to Mudsharks for dinner and then discovered something new in Havasu. a few months ago, the WalMart here shut down. now, i hate WalMart. i hate it with a passion. it’s trashy and dirty and.... i just don’t like it. anyway, when the WalMart shut down it was because they were opening a WalMart SuperCenter down the road. tonight, we dropped by and i was a little surprised to find that it’s freaking amazing!!! of course, it’s brand new and a year from now it will probably be crap, but this place is nice and huge and has everything.



while we were at WalMart... i found that someone figured out how to bottle me!

as i’ve been here in Maui for the past few days, i’ve been spending a lot of my time reading in preparation for my first college teaching assignment at Biola this fall. the book that i’ve been spending most of my time on is by a pastor from Simi Valley named Francis Chan and is called Crazy Love. (by the way, i absolutely recommend that you go straight to amazon.com or wherever after you’re done reading this and pick up this book.)

the book is really challenging. it really makes you think about who God is and who we are in relationship to Him. it makes you deal with the realities of what God really expects from us and the appropriate ways to respond to His crazy love for us.

there’s a part of the book that talks about how small we are in reality. it even points to a video (“the awe factor of God”) on Francis’ website where he (very briefly) shows how small we are in the grand design of the cosmos. (it’s pretty crazy really.) anyway, all of this is good and somewhat impactful when you’re reading it in a book, but you have to encounter it for it to really hit you hard. (at least, i do.)

tonight, i went out for a walk. (i go on night walks at least a few nights a week if not more. it’s how i wind down and process the day with God.) anyhow, i was walking up and down our neighborhood here in Kaanapali having a nice little walk and talk with God when i hit a dark spot... the in-between spot for two streetlights. i hit that spot and, for some reason, i looked up. it was amazing.

there were so many stars. and it seemed like, the more i stared at the sky, the more stars appeared. as if they were responding to my gaze, stars started popping out of the blackness and the void of space began to fill with specks of light. i literally couldn’t move for a moment. suddenly, the things i had just been talking with God about seemed rather insignificant. in fact, life in general seemed pretty insignificant.

i was reminded of Francis’ video and the fact that all of those stars that i could see (including ours) when put together are but a speck of light from a perspective outside of our galaxy. suddenly, the Earth felt pretty small and insignificant. and if the whole Earth is small and insignificant in the grand scheme of the universe, what does that say about me?

but here’s the weird part. the fact that God created all of that and still cares about what could easily be considered the insignificant details of my life is pretty insane to think about. to Him, they’re not insignificant. to Him, i’m not insignificant. to Him, i matter and so do the details of my life. that just doesn’t make any sense to me. (not that i’m complaining!)

suddenly, all i wanted to do was worship God somehow. and then it happened. (and this is the part that might be considered too much information.) as i began to contemplate how i could possibly respond in an appropriate manner, my dinner began to settle, my stomach growled and, standing there in the middle of the street looking up at the stars... i farted.

immediately i started to laugh at the irony of that moment. i mean... not only am i a small, seemingly (and reasonably so) insignificant being, but i’m gross and, in this moment, gassy. and yet, even in the midst of the great cosmos that He created, He still cares. as disgusting as i can be (both inside and out), He still loves me with an unbelievable love.

i’m not totally sure how to respond to the crazy love that God has for me. but, now i’m on a quest to figure it out.

- barnes

ps... if you wanna be blown away by how small we really are, check out the wikipedia entry on galaxies. after i just read that, i’m feeling even smaller. (each galaxy has somewhere between 10 million and 1 trillion stars and there are more than 100 billion galaxies out there! we’re just on one tiny little rock orbitting one of those stars in one of those galaxies. freakin’ crazy!)

first things first...



so, a few months back, my favorite airline for flying to Maui went out of business. because of this, i was forced to find a new one and ended up on United out of LAX. this was a mistake.

first, they have a 45 minute before boarding check-in policy and i missed it by two minutes because i had been waiting in their ridiculously long lines for 40 minutes. not only would they not let me on, but they were incredibly rude to me about it.

second, when i talked to the United rep on the phone a few days ago, he told me that i needed to be “as close to 50 lbs. as possible” with my luggage. apparently my bag was 56 lbs. and so they charged me $100 and basically told me i was stupid. when i told them what the man on the phone had said, the lady called me a liar. awesome.

anyway, after dealing with all of that, i finally got to get on the next plane and deal with their equally rude flight attendants.

i hate United. i will NEVER be using them again. (you shouldn’t either.)



at least i had a really cute and funny two year old sitting next to me on the flight. he was either talking to me or sleeping the whole time and he never cried once. the perfect child. (of course, he did crap himself while he slept and mom didn’t want to wake him up so i got to deal with that smell for an hour or so, but it was already a pretty crappy flight so what was a little more?)



oh, by the way... gas in Hawaii... mucho expensivo.

today was the last day of The Quest VBS. it was awesome!

for those of you who don’t know, VBS (Vacation Bible School) is what churches traditionally do for kids for one week during the summer. pretty much every church in America does it, and we’re no exception. (next year we might be, but that’s another story.) but this year, we decided that VBS needed a little bit of an overhaul.

typically, a VBS will have a variety of stations for kids to go to all within the theme of the week. so, the theme might be something tropical and cliche like “Living in the Son” (did you catch the ever-so-clever play on words there? Christians can be so ridiculously lame sometimes.) and each station (Bible story, crafts, worship, rec, memory verse, etc...) will have something to do with the theme. and... that’s pretty much it. not too exciting.

we decided to take it further. yeah... we have a theme (“The Quest” in case you haven’t been paying attention. it’s sorta a hybrid of “Lost,” “Indiana Jones,” and “The Goonies.”). but the theme isn’t what ties everything together (though it does play out in every area too.) we start each day with a skit (written by Stacy and acted to perfection by myself and my fellow actors). the skit sorta sets up a question or idea for the day in very broad strokes. next, at the Treasure Trove of Truth (Bible Story Station), my character gives the kids a little behind the scenes look at the quest that the skit characters are on. (i do my whole part for that station on video and we tell the kids that i’m video podcasting each night on the island. they love it.) during this time, i reveal the “ancient truth” for that day. (this is like our “bottom line” on the weekends. it’s the one thing we want to make sure they walk away knowing, understanding and remembering.) as soon as they learn the ancient truth, they get a chance to respond to it in a unique way. (some days it might be through worship or prayer or sharing stories... they actually get to decide how they want to respond.) after that, they head to small groups where Erika put together and awesome small group booklet that gives them some things to discuss about applying the ancient truth to their lives. the “Artifact Creation Station” (crafts) lets them create something (usually straight out of the skit) that they can take home to remind them of the ancient truth. the “Station of Mystery” gives them a chance to discover a Bible verse that reinforces the ancient truth. (this station is new and was completely different every day. it was awesome!) admittedly, the games station was pretty much just fun games that didn’t tie in too much. but that’s okay... fun is important too.

anyway, today was awesome because we got to see the kids really responding to what they’d discovered this week. they knew all the ancient truths and some of them even shared stories of how they were applying them to their lives already.



then, to celebrate the past year in the lives of our families, we ended the week with our annual Family Celebrate Experience. we had TK Burger, dancing, etc... and it was awesome. but holy crap... i did a lot of walking today. (i try to get 10,000 steps on a normal day. check out my pedometer for today!)

normally, on the 4th of July, we have our annual Barnez Family Extravaganza at either my uncle’s house or my parent’s. however, this year, everyone was out of town so we had to improvise.

somehow, that meant spaghetti at my parent’s. anyway, afterward we went back to my place to watch the fireworks from my balcony.

so, today was a long-awaited day for a few reasons.

first, this morning was our meeting with the people from David C. Cook publishing. Michelle has been talking with them for a bit about them publishing some of our stuff. well, last month she went out to meet with them in Colorado and it couldn’t have gone better. they want to partner with us to create their new curriculum and focus. today, we got to meet with Janet from Cook and hear about some of the details. to sum it up, it was AMAZING. they actually want to send a team of writers to live in California and work with us. we’d be providing the vision and feedback as they write the curriculum. i mean... this is huge.

at the beginning of the meeting, Janet was explaining what they were wanting to do (team up with a church, etc...). however, she was being very vague about whether or not they’d decided it was us or if they were still looking. so, Michelle finally asked the question, “so, are you courting us or are you asking us to marry you?” this picture is of Janet in her response to that question. she immediately got down on one knee and we all started laughing.



needless to say, we were (and are) all very excited about what this means for us. it’s gonna be pretty freakin’ amazing!

the second thing that made today a day worth waiting for, was that today was our “formerly friends” reunion at my place.

David and Angela Robles (and their little girl, Rylee), Jennifer Stowell, Melissa Kirscher, Kit and Gina Rae, Dana Van Egdom (her husband Jeff couldn’t make it), Stacy and i all got together for the first time since my birthday last year (September 9th, if you were wondering). it was so great to catch up and find out what everyone’s been up to. it’s amazing to see how God is using us all in different, but awesome ways all over California and the world.

tonight, we ate, caught up, played, ate, swam, ate and talked about what an amazing group of friends God brought together and how we need to be intentional about/open to how God might use us together in the future. it was a great night and i don’t remember the last time i laughed so hard!

today, Stacy and i celebrated one year together... again. (this is the second time we made it one year. we just haven’t done it twice consecutively!)

since i’ve got so much going on, Stacy planned our date for tonight. i’m planning one for Thursday night. she took me to a sushi place down on the water in Newport and then to The Melting Pot for dessert. amazing!

today was a day better than graduation... it was the day of my capstone presentation.

in our program, the capstone project and presentation is the culmination of all the work we've done. mine is a project called "Reflections of Leadership on Popular Culture" and is an instructional resource on using popular culture to teach leadership concepts. (you can download it here if you'd like to see it.)

anyway, today was my presentation and it went really well! plus, my parents, Stacy, Michelle and some of my other friends got to see what i've been doing for the last two years.


(Rob Liefeld, Emily Cartaya, Michelle Anthony, Stacy Igarashi, me, Carrie Domen, mom, dad and Dave McIntire)

today was another great day at the conference. Donald Miller ("Blue Like Jazz") spoke tonight and was fantastic and entertaining. the whole conference so far has been a great confirmation of everything that we're doing at ROCKHARBOR.

but the best part of the day was lunch. i met up with David and Jen for lunch and had a great time eating pizza and catching up. in many ways, i think that our lunch was an answer to prayer. we talked a bit about our old team from Yorba Linda for a while. we had an AMAZING team that was, unfortunately, never allowed to find it's potential. (honestly, if things had gone a little differently, that dream team would, absolutely and unquestionably, be setting the standard for children's and family ministries in this country.) anyway, we realized that we have an amazing resource in each other and that the fact that we all met and got a glimpse of our potential as a team may allow us to do some incredible things together in the future. so, we decided today to be intentional about that and get the team together again sometime to brainstorm for the future. (watch out... there's a good chance we'll be taking over the world soon!)

Michelle's pretty excited that we're probably going to be having lunch with Reggie ("Reg" if you know him) Joyner tomorrow. actually, we all are. it could be a great opportunity for our team.

off to bed!

the conference didn't start until tonight, so today we went on some adventures through Atlanta. first, we headed out to Coca-Cola™ World. (don't worry... i felt conflicted about the whole thing and am still a devoted Pepsi™ fan since they make the Dew™.) nevertheless, it was pretty cool! after that, we went for a walk through the Centennial Olympic Park (and it's fountains!) and then went to visit the CNN building. after that, we hit up happy hour at McCormick and Schmick's (or something like that) where a 1/2 pound burger was only $1.95!!!! (amazing!)

after that, we headed back to the convention for the opening session. it was pretty freakin' amazing! i mean... the A/V setup alone was as cool as almost any concert (except U2) that i've been to in the past few years. the worship was great and Reggie Joyner (Reg if you know him!) gave a fantastic new application of the prodigal son parable. (i'm sure i'll be blogging about that at a later date.)

afterward, i met up with Jen Stowell in the lobby of the hotel and we made plans for lunch tomorrow with our old friend, David Robles.

overall... a fantastic day! check out the pics below...

-mb

it's been interesting having this retreat at a Catholic mission. obviously, i'm not Catholic and have never been able to understand Catholicism much. out of curiosity, i looked into it at one time. i wanted to understand where all of the rituals, rules and traditions of the Catholic church had come from. (since i couldn't find them anywhere in the Bible.) it was interesting to find that many of them were adapted from other mystical religions because Constantine (who adopted Christianity for the Roman Empire) didn't want to make it too hard for people to convert. so, they kept things like rosary beads, a hierarchy with bishops and a pope and certain prayers and just changed the names and meanings to fit Christianity. (obviously, the very simplified version... but still pretty accurate.) anyway, that was always hard for me to swallow as it seems like the perfect example of taking a simple relationship and offering of salvation and turning it into religion with rules and traditions that actually have nothing to do with the relationship that was originally offered. however, it's true that God can take anything and use it for good. i've seen that in the last day here.

one thing that the Catholic church loves is its iconography. this is where we get the prevalent image of the cross. (we don't even question it. but we don't put up little electric chairs or bullets to remember others who have died. for some reason, displaying the method of torture and death when it involves Christ is considered normal and even spiritual.) the Catholic church took this instrument of death and turned it into a symbol of sacrifice and beauty. it's also a symbol of remembrance.

this morning, we were given a piece of paper with the 14 stations of the cross listed on it. each one had a short description and something to think and pray about. around a field, behind the mission, there is a road with the 14 stations of the cross. we were asked to walk the road, stopping at each station to read and pray. i was a little averse to this at first. i was wrong to be.

God took something out of someone else's religious background and used it in my life in a real way. the stations of the cross had/have me dealing with and processing issues of sacrifice, forgiveness, loss, injustice, failure, the needs of others, kindness and selfishness. it really became a time of intense self-reflection. it also highlighted a few things in my life that i need to deal with and work through with Him.

anyway, if you get a chance to do something like that... something that feels out of the ordinary or a little unfamiliar, don't pass it up. God can use it to change you in amazing ways.



also, we had breakfast and saw the largest rose i've ever seen in my life.

today was day one of my two week sabbatical. people have been asking me a lot about this sabbatical and what it's about. so, here's the deal...

one thing that ROCKHARBOR is really intentional about is their traditions. of course, everyone has traditions and they can often become traditions simply for tradition's sake. however, in the case of RH, their traditions are always very purposeful. one strong tradition that RH holds is pouring into their employees (and volunteers for that matter) and making sure that they know that they are valued. this comes out in a number of ways. some of those are traditions in themselves. for instance, every year at Christmas, the staff is taken to Disneyland and given either a deluxe annual pass or the cash equivalent as a Christmas bonus. last Thursday, the girls went on their annual girls retreat. this year, a limo picked them up and took them all to a day spa. (apparently, the guys have never had one only because, from what i'm told, they haven't had a girl to plan it for them. i'm told that we will be breaking that tradition this year!)

anyway, one opportunity RH has created in the vein of this tradition of valuing the staff is our sabbaticals this year. over the course of the next few months, everyone on staff (from the top down to the receptionist) will get a two week guided sabbatical. now, at first, i was kinda skeptical. (i think it was the word "guided" that did it.) stuff like this tends to have ulterior motives. but i was mistaken. from what i've already seen (and heard from others who have already completed their sabbaticals) it's a very intentional time of rest and growth.

here's what i know so far...

today we met at ROCKHARBOR for our sabbatical orientation meeting. there are five people in our group including myself and Stacy. we were told that we will have 8 free days and four group days during the sabbatical. we are not allowed to step foot on campus, respond to e-mails or phone calls that are RH related or work in any way that would be considered RH related.

each day, we have an envelope that we open. the envelope will have our instructions for that day. most of them will be a simple scripture reading, a focus for the day and a small reading in the book we were all given. on our group days, our envelopes will tell us where we will meet and what we will do. the sabbatical will end with a two-day retreat next week.

the great thing though is that the structure that they've provided is loose enough to make it our own time but structured enough that it won't simply be a vacation. (after all, we are still be payed for this!) i'm excited about it and i'll keep you updated on what we've been up to every day.

- barnes

ps... here's my weigh in for this week...

last night, dad called and let me know. our family dog, Baby, who we've had for 14 years, was in bad shape. she couldn't stand up on her own. so, this morning, i went up and we all said goodbye. it was really sad.

we got Baby in 1995 because Megan (who, i think, was in the 5th grade at the time) made a bet with my parents that if she could get 100% on a test, we would get a dog. Megan had been having trouble in whatever particular subject it was and so they made the bet. well, Megan got 100%. (of course, later we found out that she had told her teacher about the bet and might have had a little help!) a few months later, we got Baby.

we didn't get to name her. she was already 2 1/2 years old. we got her from a kennel where somebody paid for her to be for 6 months. nobody ever claimed her later and they were going to put her to sleep. she's been a fantastic dog. and we all loved her very much.



in more happy news, i lost a few more pounds! (i'm down 11 now!)

lately, i've been getting a lot of questions about what exactly it is that i do. (also, some staff at my home church have been making comments to some of my friends such as "i don't get what he does" and "i don't understand how he's qualified to be in family ministries.") so, i'm going to tell you exactly what i do so that if anyone asks, you can put to rest any (probably justified) worries that anyone might have that i'm somehow unqualified to be doing what i'm doing or any confusion as to what it is i'm doing at ROCKHARBOR.

as you probably already know, i am the associate director of ROCKHARBOR families, i work for the director of ROCKHARBOR families (and the most amazing boss ever) Michelle Anthony, and i absolutely love my job. it uses exactly all the things i've been trained for in my various undergrad work, post-grad work and life experiences. "but, how?" you might be asking. well, let me tell you.

probably the most important aspect of my job is to work with Michelle to make sure that the vision of Family Ministries is happening from birth through high school. we have a fairly new and specific vision and so ensuring that we're all working toward the same vision and are on the same page is a huge priority. this involves a lot of meetings, of course, but more importantly than that, it involves me being directly involved in each area of Families and building relationships with all of our Families staff. of course, my organizational leadership degree (which i'm about to finish in two months... hallelujah!) comes in great use here. it helps that i am quite passionate about this vision as it's directly in-line with ideas that i'd been mulling over for about two years. (it was actually really cool how everything worked out. Michelle and i started talking at an event last summer and it became immediately clear that we were already on the same page as far as our ideas of what Family Ministries should be. after that, we both sorta knew it would just be a matter of time before we ended up working together somehow.)

in addition to helping keep the vision throughout our team, i also work with Michelle to develop the implementation of the vision and brainstorm for the future. she and i meet for an hour every other week just to brainstorm and dream. (we meet much more often than that... but this time is dedicated to us thinking big.) this is probably the most fun aspect of my job simply because Michelle and i process very similarly. (out loud and collaboratively.) so, when she and i get in a room together and start coming up with ideas, we tend to accomplish more in those 60 minutes than we do during the rest of the hours of the week combined.

another aspect of my job involves training all of the large group teachers that we use. my teaching experience as well as my masters in education are a huge help here and are being used in ways that i never anticipated, but absolutely love. i meet regularly with the large group teachers from elementary, middle school and high school (though the majority of our teachers come from elementary so i end up spending most of my time there) and help them to develop their teaching skills. Michelle and i have also developed some teaching requirements that we want to see implemented from birth through high school, so i'm in charge of making sure that all of our teachers are on the same page with that.

tapping back into the organizational leadership stuff, i'm also in charge of staff development for the Families team. this is one of my favorite aspects of my job because it's all about building relationships and helping people to become even better at what they do. so far, i've mostly been focusing on building up the team as a whole to work interdependently (even having our Early Childhood Associate working with our High School staff). it's totally fun and very cool to see happen. as an extension of that, i also work with all of the interns in ROCKHARBOR Families on leadership development stuff and making sure that they're growing and learning in their internships. (right now, we have seven interns who are totally amazing, dedicated and loving it even though they aren't paid!)

probably the biggest project i oversee right now is our Family Curriculum. the purpose of our Family Curriculum is to give families some easy ways to connect every week. Kit started this last year and did an awesome job with it. so much so, in fact, that it's being downloaded and used all over the country (and Australia, from what i understand!) and somebody planted a church using it as their curriculum for teaching! (not recommended!) anyway, just when Kit was really getting into it, he ended up becoming the Interim Middle School guy (until we found Tyler) so it was more of a side project for him. since it's a large part of my job description, i've been able to put some time and effort into making some small changes and involving our whole team. (allowing each of our team members to contribute also sets each of them up as experts in their area of ministry.) so, each month, the whole families team now contributes to our Family Curriculum. we make it available to our RH families on the weekends and to everyone else for free on the internet. (you can see March's here... http://www.rockharbor.org/content/content_images/ministries/families/March-08.pdf) check it out... it's pretty cool.

one last huge project that my ed background plays into is our 18 Year Scope and Sequence. part of the Families vision is to plan out what a kid would learn if he or she were to enter our ministries at birth and go through high school. we look at when they should be exposed to what things and how often we should repeat things. (also, what should be repeated, when and when and how we should approach particular topics, etc...) we also take into account kids that join part way through, new believers, kids with particular giftings, etc... it's a HUGE project and i've kinda been overseeing it. (though, to be fair, the ministry directors do most of the work!) anyway, it's a pretty cool concept and it's been fun to see it play out and to be apart of some really interesting discussions on philosophy of ministry and teaching.

on top of all of that, i also teach regularly in Studio K (our elementary program) and The Hub (our high school program) and soon, The Outlet (our middle school program). i also host and lead worship in Studio K. i often work with Tommy to develop the look or atmosphere of a particular program or with Stacy to talk about curriculum. of course, there are a ton of little things here and there that i do, but those are the main parts of my job.

so, now you know. and knowing is half the battle.

- barnes

one of the really cool things about Easter at ROCKHARBOR is that starting at the first Good Friday service, and going through the end of the Sunday services, the fairgrounds are constantly covered in prayer. for three days straight, staff and church members alike signed up for hour-long prayer walks for every hour. each hour (even the ones in the middle of the night) had anywhere from 2 to 20 people. well, today, at 5.00 pm, i had my hour.

when i got there, i found the prayer walk tent. each of us took a rock out of a jar and our instructions for the walk. they told us where to go and ideas of things to pray for. after we got back, we added our rocks to the pile of all the people who had been praying over the past day and a half. it was cool to see that symbolic representation of all the people who came together in prayer for this weekend.

after it was over, we had rehearsal for the next day's kid's services.

well, first we went to lunch. (the Larson's love their cell phones!)



after that, we had three Good Friday services for kids (i think 6 services overall). it was pretty awesome to see these kids totally getting emotional and really worshipping as we talked about what Jesus did for us. Tommy and Timmy and Ashley took turns leading worship, Stacy gave a message tying some video clips together and giving the Good Friday story and i wrapped it up with a message about how it applies to us. the kids seemed really into it.



after the service, we had to load up everything that hadn't been taken to the fairgrounds. again, i was amazed at how many volunteers just showed up and made it happen. we were done in no time.

every year, ROCKHARBOR does Easter at the Orange County Fairgrounds. it's a big deal. we basically advertise it all over the county and invite anyone to come. (you can check out the website at www.oceaster.com) we put it on though we don't advertise it as a ROCKHARBOR event. we offer newcomers a list of OC churches to check out including ROCKHARBOR, Newport Mesa, The Crossing, Mariners, Yorba Linda Friends and others. anyway, this has been going on for years now and has quite a few traditions associated with it.



the first tradition is that our Wednesday staff meeting is held in the Pacific Amphitheater where the services will be held. the entire meeting consists of two things. the first is storytelling.

this was actually really cool. Todd (our Lead Pastor) opened up by asking people to share stories of Easter's past. however, he made a very intentional effort to say that "even for those of you who weren't here for these stories, you're part of the family now and our history is your history." and somehow, it was. even though i wasn't there for any of these stories, i felt like i was. i felt like i was apart of them. and one by one, people began sharing stories from Easter's past. some of them were hysterically funny. some of them were seriously moving. but it was a great time of storytelling and sharing.



the second part of the meeting consists of each staff member being assigned a seating section. then we were sent off to march around our section seven times (like Joshua at Jericho) all the while praying for the people who would be sitting there this weekend. at the end of that time, we all came back to the front of the amphitheater where Mike (our Teaching Pastor) read the story of Joshua. then Pete Shambrook (one of our pastors) blew on a trumpet and we all yelled at the top of our lungs for a good 30 seconds to a minute. (check out the video clip at the end of this entry.) maybe kinda dumb... but somehow, it was an awesome thing to be apart of.



the cool thing is, it's a shared experience. it's one that happens every year. so for the 10-15 of us who just joined the staff this year, we felt like we were a part of it even though we hadn't experienced it before.

the rest of the day was spent eating free Chick-Fil-A and setting up the children's tents. we had SO many volunteers show up to help put this on. our church really knows how important this outreach opportunity is and they were there in total support. so much so, that we actually were done by 8pm (way earlier than we thought or has ever been done before!) not only that, but the tents came out awesome!



it's crazy to think that so much work goes into one day... but i'm really excited about it. if you don't have a place to go for Easter, come to the fairgrounds at either 9 or 11 am. it's gonna be great!

- barnes

here are pictures of two projects that began today....

the first is one that Stacy and i began today that will, hopefully, last a long time. we joined the Weight Watchers Points Program. (i'm gonna get thin again!!!) it's actually pretty cool cuz you can eat whatever you want, but just in limited amounts. it really just makes you think about your food choices and "budget" them just like you would with money. i'll be weighing in every Monday. i started off today at 223 lbs. (i'm sad to say). but i'm headed toward my goal of 185 lbs!



the second project was not one of mine, although i assigned it. at ROCKHARBOR, we're doing Family Ministries in a very non-traditional way, but in a way that makes a whole lot more sense when you look at it. the basic idea is that parents should be the primary nurturers of their children's faith... not us. we play a supportive role. the goal, overall, is to not "create" good, Christian kids. that's never successful. the goal is for parents to be creating environments in which the Holy Spirit can work and grow within their kids as He chooses.

anyway, once people get passed their preconceived notions of "how church should be," it's clear that this makes way more sense. but, sometimes it's difficult to communicate this to people and get them past those preconceived notions and previous paradigms. the project i gave our team was to come up with some creative ways to approach that. tomorrow is the due date and today i got to see some of the groups in our team working on their projects. it was pretty cool.

tonight was my cousin Kaela's 14th birthday party.

it started by going to Beau's baseball game (her little brother). the game was going long and so my uncle started to get antsy and wanting to go to dinner. so he took grandma and went to Benihanas (where Kaela wanted to go for dinner for her birthday). he got there and called us to say that the wait was an hour and a half and he didn't want to wait. so we met him at another Japanese restaurant. when we got there, we found that the wait was 2 hours. well, this did not go over well with anyone.

Uncle Vaughn wasn't happy... his wife Erin pulled up right then and was trying to calm him down. Amie (my cousin who was in town with her little daughter Tillie from Indiana) was getting hungry and just wanted someone to make a decision. Kaela suggested California Pizza Kitchen and everyone kinda brushed her off. (which was funny because it is HER birthday party.) after a 15 minute discussion on everywhere we could go... making calls... everything... Uncle Vaughn said "how about California Pizza Kitchen?" everyone was like "okay!" and Kaela said "i said that 15 minutes ago!!!"

so, then we went to CPK which was fine... but just chaos with four kids under 10 and a restaurant full of people. anyway, we went back to Bekie's and had ice cream from Baskin-Robbins (which was amazing!). anyway, here's a pic of Kaela with our little cousin, Kate.

today, i got to do what i've been planning to do for weeks. tomorrow is Stacy's 30th birthday and i wanted to do something big for her. so, last night, when i dropped her off, i said "you need to go inside and pack a bag for four days. it's going to be cold. i'll pick you up at 7.00 am." she was like, "what?!?!?!"

so, this morning i picked her up at 7. we loaded up my car and got on the freeway. she had no idea where we were going. i made little comments like "you should get comfortable... it's going to be a long ride" and "i hope we can make it there today!" she was even more confused. she thought we were going on some ridiculously long road trip or something.

then, i pulled off the 405 at Century and she realized that we were going to the airport. we parked the car and hopped on a shuttle for LAX. then there was a little hickup in the plan.

when we got to the terminal, i realized that i had left my wallet in the car. we didn't have a lot of time, so i had to quickly find another shuttle, rush back, get my wallet and get back to the terminal. fortunately, i was able to do this in about 15 minutes. unfortunately, i had to have Stacy check us in when i wasn't there so i didn't get to be there when she found out that we were going to New York.

anyway, it was all pretty cool. we flew on the new Virgin America ($129 each way and direct from LAX to JFK!) and it was awesome! each seat has a touchscreen where you can watch live tv, listen to music, watch movies and even order your food that they bring to you when you want it.

when we got into New York, we realized that the airline had lost Stacy's bag. lame! (it worked out though. it was waiting for us at my sister's place when we woke up the next morning.) anyway, we went to Meri's place (it's actually our family's place... she just lives there) and got settled in. then we went walking looking for dinner and found this noodle place called Ollie's. i wouldn't recommend it.

by that time, it was getting late so we went back and watched some episodes of The Office and played with Meri's dog, Kona. all in all... a great day!

i mean... Valentine's Day. we had a pretty good one, i'd say!

this year, V-Day fell on a Thursday, which means no work for Stacy or i. (we work weekends and have Thursdays and Fridays off.)

so, we grabbed lunch after meeting up at her house and exchanging gifts. (she got me the Friends Deluxe Edition of SceneIt™ (which is awesome because somebody stole my old version. i have my suspicions as to who, but i won't name names here.) after lunch we headed back to my place where we took these pictures on the balcony.



that night, we headed out to LA to see Aretha Franklin in concert at the new Nokia Theatre. (we'd bought the tickets for my parents to use, but my dad didn't realize that he'd be out of town. so, we used them ourselves.) what an experience that was! lots of middle aged white people trying to dance and sing along. lots of middle aged black people actually dancing and singing along. it was quite the night.

barnes

i know this is two entries for one day, but it was too much for just one!

one of the things that's kinda been hard for both Stacy and i since we've moved down here has been losing our old group of friends. there were a lot of things that we were happy to leave behind when we both chose to move down here, but one of the things that kept us there for so long was our really tight group of friends. we've sorta been mourning the loss of our group lately.

anyway, it's fun to reconnect with them from time to time and when we realized that today was going to be the season premiere of Lost, we thought it might be time again. of course, everybody being scattered around the state, not everyone could make it. (Kit couldn't come and, as always, we missed Dana and Jen.) but, we had fun nonetheless. plus, the new season of Lost looks like it's going to freakin' ROCK! (check out the free 8:15 recap on iTunes... it's awesome! it recaps three seasons of lost in 8 minutes and 15 seconds and is hysterical. a good reminder of where we've been for longtime fans and a good way to catch new fans up to speed.)

anyway, so Kirsch, Amanda, Brianne, Erica, Ashley, Stacy and i gathered here in "the h" for the premiere. but, i thought it was a little girl-heavy, so i invited Tyler to come to. impressively, Tyler totally held his own with our sarcastic group full of girls he didn't know.

as usual, Kirsch made cake (yum!) and we all watched the premiere and were blown away. then, because you just have to, we all played Guitar Hero III™ for an hour or two. the perfect ending to a perfect night. (actually, the perfect ending came when i got to go to bed. after the doctor, carrying a three year old around Disneyland™ all day and then a little party, i was exhausted!)


(Ashley rockin' the Guitar Hero)


(Erica watching the Guitar Hero... up close!)


(Stacy and Amanda chillin on the couch)


(Ashley lost. sad.)


(Erica's into it)


(couch dwellers)


(catching Tyler mid-rock)

morning people

so, i've never been a morning person. never claimed to be. never was willing to put in the effort to be. i'd rather sleep in or be grumpy in the mornings and then be a perfectly pleasant person in the afternoon, evenings and into the night. lately, i've been feeling the need to change.
i would never have admitted it before, but i've always envied morning people. they're so bright and cheery and i feel like they get so much more out of their days than i do. a week or two ago, i decided that i would make myself over i would become a morning person. i mean, i like mornings. they're beautiful (sometimes) and seem like a very useful time in the day. i've just never been able to enjoy them due to my penchant for late nights. Sunday, i decided that today would be the day i began my transformation.

this morning, my alarm went off at 6.30 am. (VERY early for me.) i immediately hit snooze. at 6.40 am, again it went off. again i hit snooze. 6.50 am... snooze. 7.00 am... snooze. but then, before i could fall back asleep, i felt guilty and got my sorry ass out of bed. (just because i work at a church now, doesn't mean that i'm not going to say "ass" anymore. sorry if that offends your sensibilities. also, keep your eyes open for "damn" and "hell.") anyway, i threw on some clothes, grabbed my MacBook™ and my morning Mountain Dew™ and headed out to the cold of the balcony for a little morning alone time

it was a beautiful morning (as you can see from the pictures i took). as if God were saying "see? this is what you've been missing, you idiot!" anyway, because i snoozed so long, my time was cut a bit short. (stupid having to go to work.) but i got a chance to catch up on the news, drink my Dew™, read Isaiah 40, talk to God and take some pictures before heading off to the shower. could i be a morning person? perhaps. but it will take some effort and dedication. i hope that you all will support me on my quest to find the morning person within.

guy's night

if you know me, chances are that you know that most of my closest friends are not of the male variety. it's not intentional (or maybe it is on some subconscious level) but i always seem to end up with more friends that are girls. lately, that has been changing a bit. so, tonight we had a guy's night here at "the h." (by the way, in case i've never mentioned it, my new place is referred to as "the h." this started because it is the "H" model and when we were looking at places down here we referred to it by its model designation to differentiate between it and the other units we looked at. now it seems to stand for "hell yeah!" or something like that.) anyway, so guy's night.

Kit, Tommy, Jer, Tyler and Timmy came over and we had pizza and played Guitar Hero™ and watched Swingers. doesn't sound too crazy or out there exciting. but you know, it was pretty cool. as we were talking, i realized that i'm not the only one who has trouble just "getting together with the guys." so, it was pretty nice to be able to do that. i think we'll have to do it again soon. (i'd post pictures.... but it's a guy's night... you really think we took pictures? what... for our scrapbooks? please.)

mourning people

of course, the big news today was that actor Heath Ledger was found dead in his apartment. first, i want to acknowledge that this is indeed a tragedy. i liked Heath's movies (never saw Brokeback... but i liked the ones that i saw), i think he was incredibly talented and i am still very much looking forward to seeing him as The Joker in the upcoming The Dark Knight. having said all of that, watching the reactions of the people at work today as they found out was priceless.

our office area (which we refer to as "the bullpen") houses about 30 desks surrounded by offices. somehow, nobody shouted out "oh my gosh... Heath Ledger died!" at any point. instead, each area of desks seemed to find out on their own in various ways and have a variety of reactions. from the guys, it usually was something like "wow... bummer" or "ah man... that sucks!" but from the girls, it was a whole other ballgame. Stacy was quite distraught. mostly because (and i just realized this) i think she thought she actually might have had a chance with him or something. (not that i'm worried about it. i mean, she knows that if Penelope Cruz comes along... ) anyway, other girls reactions varied from near tears, to looks of befuddlement. however, my favorite, by far, was from Raelyn, our middle school intern. though the news had been circulating for nearly two hours, i was sitting at my desk when i heard Raelyn shout "NO!!!!" (it was actually more of a shriek.) i looked over at Ashley and we both said... "she just found out." she immediately stopped doing whatever she was doing so that she could get online and get details. Tyler was trying to meet with her and finally just gave up. when he came over for guy's night he told me that she ended up being useless for the rest of the day. (considering that she only interns one day a week, that's a bummer.)

well, that's all for today. tune in tomorrow to find out how amazing U2 3D the movie turns out to be!

barnes

i went and saw Cloverfield today. i don't know if it was because i hadn't eaten, or what, but the whole shaky-cam thing made me almost throw up several times. i mean, i almost had to leave the theater a few times. as far as the movie goes, it was pretty much exactly what i expected. i liked it, but it wasn't the end all that everyone has been making it out to be. anyway, i enjoy going to the movies alone, so this was a nice morning escape for me. (except for the near-vomit experience.) and yes... i know this isn't a picture i took. but it'll have to do.

so, in case you hadn't figured it out, this weekend was Winter Camp for ROCKHARBOR. we joined forces with some old friends at Mariners Church (Jen Epperson) and at High Desert Church (David Robles) that we'd worked with at Yorba Linda and it was amazing! (i was the speaker and the mohawk went along with my talks.) it was such an amazing time and the kids were fantastic. i'm so proud of Stacy for it all. she came up with the idea to do it, decided that we should plan our own camp (even though it's WAY more work), put the whole thing together with our team and made it awesome. as far as me being a camp speaker, it was a great experience. i'd been wanting to speak at a camp for a long time, so this was very cool for me.


(Stacy, me and Ashley hanging out during freetime)


(me speaking on stage)

anyway, camp was really cool, but i'm also really glad to be back in my own bed and out of the freezing cold.

barnes

so, last night, some of us went out to French 75 for dinner and we were talking about life and stuff. my good friend, Ashley Otani, mentioned that she had a new camera and that her New Year's Resolution was to take more pictures. this got us talking about taking pictures and recording our lives when we came up with a fantastic idea. what if each of us were to take at least one picture every day? what if we could look back at a year and have a picture to represent every day of that year? how cool would that be?

so that's what i'm gonna try to do! a picture every day. and i'm going to post them here. some days, you might just get a picture with a caption. other days, it might be a whole blog. just depends. i'm going to start with a picture from last night of us at the dinner table since that's where this whole things started. here's looking forward to a whole year of pictures!

- barnes

so, after the early Christmas and the hanging of my new light, Stacy and i had one more thing to do on Thursday, December 13th. we had to attend the Leadership Christmas Party at ROCKHARBOR that night.

i don't think that either of us was especially looking forward to this. it seems like every time i'm invited to something that is supposed to be about appreciation at church, there is usually some sort of ulterior motive ("thank you so much for your help, but... we need more!" or something like that). either that or it just is boring and comes off feeling like someone is just fulfilling an obligation. this, of course, doesn't actually end up making you feel very appreciated or valued. anyway, it turns out, this was not the case that night.

i should have known better. i mean, if i could say one thing about ROCKHARBOR, it would be that they make sure that their people know that they are valued. the importance of genuinely valuing people and making sure that they know it is something we talk about a great deal in my Org. Leadership program. it's also something that, in so many areas of my life, i haven't experienced in the past. so, for me, this is a hugely important.

anyway, even as i walk onto the patio that night i can tell that a lot of effort went into this party. the patio and entry area have been decorated really well and there are tables set up in the entry with TONS of great food on them. before the doors to The Centre (the worship center) open, tons of people are standing around, talking and eating Christmas foods and drinks. it was fun to see everyone, but i was still a bit skeptical of the evening.

then we went inside. they had completely redecorated the entire Centre for this one night. backdrop, lighting, decorations... everything was different than it had been the day before. (and different than it would be the day after. the staff all came early to set it up and stayed late to put it back the way it was.) all the seats had been removed and nicely decorated tables with chairs replaced them. a dance floor was in the middle of the room. yes... a dance floor at church. this, of course, piqued my curiosity. at this point, about 500 people made their ways in and sat down at the tables.

then the fun began. our Teaching Pastor, Mike Erre took the stage as Santa Clause and got the evening going. i don't think i've laughed so hard in a long time. first, Kit and Tommy led the whole place in a "gameshow" called "So You Think You Can Carol." five of us were chosen to go up on stage and finish the lyrics to Christmas carols. i lost. (i said it was "join the ancient yule tide carol" and it's freakin' "TROLL the ancient yule tide carol." honestly... who trolls?) after that (and this is where i laughed the hardest) Mike (Santa) got up on stage and had the entire room break into groups by their months of birth. then each group was assigned a "day" (as in "The 12 Days of Christmas") and had to come up with an action to along with their day. then he led the whole group in the song. there's no way i can do justice to the hilariousness of how this turned out, but it was really, really, really funny.

then Todd (our Lead Pastor) took the stage to talk about why we were here and how ROCKHARBOR owed so much to its leaders and how we were the real ministers of the church. he thanked us for all that we've done and are continuing to do. and then he invited the staff members to come up to the mic if they wanted to so that they could specifically point out volunteers who had gone above and beyond. over the next 1/2 hour or so, staff member after staff member came up to the mic and sang the praises of specific volunteer leaders or groups of leaders who had made an impact. it was incredible. even people who weren't specifically mentioned got it. we really are valued. what we do is noticed and it is important and it isn't taken for granted. it was pretty amazing and you could see it on the faces of the people sitting around. then, Michelle Anthony, who is literally over 200+ volunteers, got up to speak and she talked about me! this isn't even the person i work for. this is the person who the people i work for work for. that someone at that level would take notice of what a volunteer leader was doing is pretty impressive. (at this point, i wasn't surprised that that Michelle knew me. she had sought me out months before to get to know me because she had noticed what i was doing and had already approached me about a job. but for her to get up and talk about me in front of 500 people was unnecessarily nice.)

anyway, after everyone felt properly valued and thanked, Todd brought the program to an end with some Christmas carols. and then... the real party began. they had hired a DJ. the music started and everyone took to the dance floor. the dance floor located right in the middle of our worship center. it was pretty awesome. (as the pictures of Mike (Santa) dancing with his wife clearly show!) we danced for about an hour. it was pretty amazing. (you don't see that at a church very often!)

now, as much of a fun party as it was, i don't tell this story because of that. i tell it because it was the first time in my experience that a corporate event of any kind (church, work, school... whatever) actually succeeded in appreciating people the way they should be appreciated without any ulterior motives or agendas. because of that, people want to continue to be apart of what's going on there. they want to serve and do it excitedly. people felt like they were a valued part of a team. actually, no. it was more than that. they knew that they were a valued part of a team.

of course, as an extension of this, the process continued the next week when Michelle offered me a job partnering with her in the running of Family Ministries. this, of course, makes me really excited to join the RH staff team and bring what i have to make a difference there.

like i said, ROCKHARBOR gets what so many other organizations don't. they take the time to make sure their staff and volunteer leaders don't just feel like they're valued, but actually know that they are. this makes us want to work even harder for the good of the whole. and it really does work just like that.

well, that was the end of the best day of the year for me. from Stacy's beachcruiser to Segway tours to hanging lights and dancing with Santa, it was a pretty freakin' good day.

anyway, happy new year! i pray that you feel valued and important in 2008.

- barnes

i made it!

so, i had a bad day with the flu and then got up and went to Maui the next day. i'm feeling much better though i'm finding that recovery is slow (as far as my stomach being able to take on normal foods and whatnot).

anyway, thanks for the comments and well-wishes!

- barnes

as i'm in the middle of my three part series on the best day of the year, i'm going to take a very brief moment to point out that today, December 27th, is officially the worst day of the year.

the short version...

i started throwing up last night as the stomach flu officially kicked in. as a result, i sent my girlfriend and my family to Maui without me this morning as i continued to vomit. now, while they're in paradise, i'm sitting here feeling (and looking) like total crap.

hopefully tomorrow will be better and i can catch up with them.

by the way... please feel free to leave comments on these blogs. i'd be good to know if anyone is reading them. just click on the little link at the bottom that says "comments" and leave me one. thanks!

so, after the excitement that was an early Christmas, i really didn't think that Thursday, December 13th could have gotten any better. oh how wrong could i be?

for anyone who isn't aware, back in September, i moved into a condo in the safest city in the US... Irvine. and i love it. i mean, i really love it. the condo is great. the location is great. i'm five minutes from ROCKHARBOR, three minutes from Fashion Island, five minutes from South Coast Plaza, three minutes from The District (and awesome new center down here with everything from Costco, to Best Buy, Target, a great movie theater, great restaurants and more), two minutes from John Wayne Airport and about 10 minutes from the beach... it's wonderful. so, over the past months, i've been slowly decorating my place in my own style. (it came partially furnished and i've kept most of what was here. but it needed some more things that weren't here and there were a few things that needed replacing.) one of the biggest problems with my place was that there was no lighting near the dining table. so, if you wanted to eat at night, you either ate at the table in the dark, or ate on the couch. (you can guess where i've been having my meals for the past two months.) this needed to be remedied.

in October, i was down at South Coast Plaza and i walked by the Jon Varvatos store and saw the coolest light display. basically, they had hung these wooden racks from the ceiling and just had about a thousand light bulbs hanging from them. (it's very cool. check it out if you're down there.) so, i was talking to my designer friend, Diane, and told her what i'd seen. obviously, their design wouldn't work for me, but i liked the basic look of the bulbs hanging from the ceiling on cords. so, i came up with an idea. my dining table has these wooden beams that run through it (like a cross). what if we got two beams to match, hung them from the ceiling directly above the table and dropped light bulbs from there? Diane was intrigued.

now, i'll stop quickly to say that i'm no designer. i was seriously just dreaming out loud and had no idea that any of this was even a possibility. but Diane, being a designer, started pondering. she said she knew a guy who did scenic design for Disneyland who could create faux beams out of Styrofoam. and she knew an electrician who was good at this kind of random stuff. so, she set to work on the design.

over the next few weeks we met with the Disney guy and the electrician and it seemed like this might actually happen. and, on Wednesday, December 12th, the Disney guy showed up at my place with the beams. (they looked fantastically real!) the next morning, at 9.00am (just a 1/2 hour before early Christmas began) Diane, our friend Jon (who's a carpenter) and the electricians showed up to install the thing. by the time we came back from Balboa from our Segway tour, the light was almost done. within an hour, the realization of my initial daydreamings was complete and it is amazing. (we even threw a few red bulbs in for the Christmas season.)

there's just something about the creative process that is so exciting and satisfying. to have an idea and to see that idea come to life over time is really cool. anyway, that is the second reason why Thursday, December 13 was the best day of the year. i dreamed it up... Diane designed it... and there it is! and now, i can eat at my table fully lit.

part three... coming soon!

matt

PROLOGUE

i think every year has at least one of "those" days. you know the ones where you know when you look back on that year, you think of that day. i suppose it could be a good day or a bad day, but in this instance, i'm talking about the good days. last Thursday was that day for 2007. this (and the following two blogs) will deal with why.

AN EARLY CHRISTMAS: Act I

Stacy and i sort of have a tradition. we celebrate Christmas early. now, my official reason and justification for this is that we do it so that when the real Christmas comes around, we can focus on others and not on ourselves. this, of course, is a lie. we really do it because i'm super-impatient. and it's not so much about me getting the gifts (though i thoroughly enjoy that) but it's that once i have her gifts, i can't wait to give them to her.

so, in early November, we decided that our Christmas would be on Thursday, December 13th. (i pushed really hard for Friday, December 7th, but was brutally rebuffed.) the problem was, i got Stacy's big gift two weeks before that day. this, for me, was torture. so, after what seemed like a decade of waiting in agony, the day came!

all she had told me about my gift was that she would be picking me up at 10.15 to go to wherever it was we were going to. (a-ha! we're going somewhere! i'm so perceptive.) anyway, i told her she needed to be here at 9.30 then so i could give her her gifts. (that sentence had the word "her" twice in a row. though it made sense, i still didn't feel comfortable typing it.) so, at 9.30, in the middle of the chaos that was going on at my house (which you'll hear about in the second blog in this blogtastic mini-series), Stacy arrived ready to be dazzled by what i had told her was "the best Christmas present ever." but, first... i had to throw her off a bit.

in case you couldn't tell, to me, this is all sort of a game. so, i decided that i needed to have some fun with it. i had been picking up a few smaller things here and there over the past months that i knew she wanted, but that, alone, didn't live up to the title of "the best Christmas present ever." so, we went in my room and i pulled out a wrapped gift. (it may or may not be important to know that all gifts wrapped by me are wrapped in aluminum foil. this ensures easy wrapping and unwrapping as well as ensuring that mine are the shiniest gifts under the tree.) she quickly ripped off the Reynolds Wrap™ surrounding her gift and found a new case for her computer. nice? sure. exciting? perhaps. "the best Christmas present ever?" um... no. but she was excited (or pretended to be). then she noticed that the case was a little heavy. she opened it and found another shiny, wrapped prize inside. could it be the complete DVD set of the BBC documentary, Planet Earth? why yes it could! (she's been talking about this for a while and i found it on sale at Costco.) again... she was happy. but "the greatest Christmas present ever?" no. anyway, we hugged and she thanked me thinking that she had received all that she would. and, while appreciative for sure, i'm sure she had to be wondering, "why would he bill this as the best Christmas present ever?"

after that, i told her i was going to run into the bathroom and asked her if she could grab one of my belts for me in my closet. she looked at me with the "get your own freakin' belt" look that i had expected, but then, being the great girlfriend that she is, she said "okay" and headed for the closet. as she walked in the closet, i awaited her reaction. "um... THIS is NOT a belt!" is how she chose to respond. she had found it. her final gift. not wrapped at all. sitting in plain site. her new, Paul Frank "Aku" Beach Cruiser.

she had been saying she wanted a beach cruiser for like six months. i kind of pretended to ignore her talking about it and when we did, it was about how it would be smarter to wait till next spring or summer. then i totally lied and told her that Megan wanted one and wanted me to research them for her. so i did. and Stacy helped and told me which one she would want. it couldn't have been easier! plus, she had no idea. awesome.

it was great. exactly as i'd hoped it would go. she was excited. and now, it was my turn!

INTERMISSION

so, i know this blog is getting long at this point and we still have the other half of the gift giving to go. so, go to the bathroom if you need. get a beverage. cook a Hot Pocket™. and then come back for the rest.

AN EARLY CHRISTMAS: Act II

so, now that my anticipation of giving was over, the anticipation of receiving was growing. we got in Stacy's car and she pulled out of the driveway and immediately over to the side of the road. huh? were we there? no. she handed me a small, wrapped (in regular wrapping paper) gift and told me to open it. i did and found a bandana. confused, i pondered the reasons she could be giving me this. (did she want me to be more like Alex? were we going to a rodeo? if so... i hate stuff like that. how do i tell her i hate rodeos. really, i think anything that combines country music with cowboys and wild animals is just a really bad idea. why would she think i would want to do something like that?) of course, being a moron, i missed the real (and obvious) reason. i needed to be blindfolded. duh.

so, i put on the blindfold (and my sunglasses over that so i didn't look like a complete idiot) and we headed off for what seemed like an eternity. (i think it was about 10 minutes.) i tried to guess where we were at every step of the way. she kept acting amazed that i was figuring it out. (of course, when we got to where we were going, i realized that i had, in fact, figured nothing out and we were at least 20 miles from where i thought we were.) anyway, we got there and i took of the blindfold to find...

we're at Balboa Beach! wait. Balboa Beach? i'm confused. why are we at Balboa Beach? it's December. and we're going to the beach. my look of confusion must have been obvious because she said "come on... you'll see!" and we started walking out toward the Fun Zone. we came around the corner, and there we were. in the next milliseconds i had several flashbacks that made me understand exactly why we were where we were. i will briefly share them with you now.

Stacy and i always watched "Arrested Development" (if you haven't seen it, buy the DVDs... best show ever) and one of the characters (GOB Bluth... pictured) always rode around Newport Beach on his Segway. we always found this very entertaining because he looked so dorky on it.

several times i had commented to Stacy how, as amazingly dorky as they were, i really wanted to ride one of those Segway things.

the flashbacks ended and it made perfect sense why we were standing in front of the Segway store. Stacy had booked us a Segway tour of the Balboa Peninsula. now, you might be thinking... "that's lame." or "you're a huge dork." well, the first one is absolutely not true. (the second is fairly accurate.) but, we had SO much fun on this tour. yes, we looked like idiots. but, holy crap are those things fun! and our tour guide, Jeff, knows EVERYTHING about EVERYONE that lives down there. (did you know that McG who directed both the Charlie's Angels movies and produced The OC has a beach house right there and that he has a multi-million dollar grass lot right next door just so his dogs have a place to poo? i did!) for the next two hours, we tooled around on our Segways and had a blast. we were laughing the whole time and it was awesome. (also, let me just say that those things are amazing. they have no controls! you just lean where you want to go, and they go. it's like mind-controlled travel.)


i think Stacy one-upped me on this one. i told her, i'd never been given an experiential gift. people always give things, not experiences. this was amazingly fun and i'll always remember it. (i highly recommend it. seriously.) then we grabbed lunch in the Fun Zone. (i had this ridiculously large burger that came with fries... on it!) we got back to the car, and she handed me another gift. it was a pair of Monarchy™ jeans that i had really wanted. this day couldn't get any better.

oh... but it could! and it did. and that will be the content of my next two (significantly shorter) blogs.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

matt

big news for me...

as of January 7th, i'll be the new Associate Director of Family Ministries at ROCKHARBOR Church.

nice.

good day. good day.

-matt

it’s true. i got one.

yesterday morning, i woke up at 3.45 am and me and Joe picked up Jody and Megan and headed down to the Apple Store at Fashion Island. it’s true... the iPhone wasn’t going on sale until 6 pm, but we were in line at 4.40 am.

actually, we were in line to get in line. they wouldn’t let you actually get in line until 5 am, so there was a line to get in line out in the parking lot when we got there at 4.40. we got the 22nd - 26th spots in line and our long day began.

for the first few hours, we just hung out. we all had our laptops and we’re piggybacking on the wifi connection from the Apple Store. we read the news about the iPhone madness around the country and felt proud and nerdy to be apart of it.

around noon, we decided it was time to eat lunch. so, we sent Megan and Jody over to PF Changs to pick us up some stuff. but, as we were eating our lunch it occurred to us that we were losing our shade. in fact, by the time we were done eating, we were sitting directly beneath a blazing sun. (at this point the line was up to about 120 people.)

Stacy had come by to visit, so she and i took a trip to Target™ where be bought what we thought would be like an easy-up tent. however, when we returned, we realized that there was nothing easy about getting this tent up. it was in about 100 different pieces. luckily for us, there was another guy in line (who, by the way, brought a solar panel to power all of his gadgets while waiting in line) who had just recently put up the exact same tent at another function. he jumped in, and within 15 minutes, we had some sweet shade and were munching on the Sprinkles™ cupcakes we had also stopped to pick up. we put up our sleeping bags (yes, we were sleeping earlier) as walls to our tent and we had our own little exclusive clubhouse. in fact, the guy from the OC Register said we had the best setup and took our pictures and interviewed us.

at 2.00 pm, the Apple Store closed for business and put up black paper in the windows so nobody could see what was going on in there. at around 5.00 pm, the paper all came down and there were iPhones EVERYWHERE in there. at this point there were about 250 people in line and the excitement (and sunburn) was very noticeable. the displays in the windows were counting down the last hour by the second and everybody was on edge.

at about 5.15 pm, we tore down our tent, folded up our chairs, packed up our computers and rolled up the sleeping bags and took turns getting all of that into the cars.

at 5.55 pm, the crowd had pushed forward and was getting ready for the opening. the last 10 seconds, of course, had a countdown. (ps... counting down to anything but the new year seems anticlimactic somehow. like... what do you yell at the end?) anyway, they let us in the store 10 at a time where droves of Apple employees were giving high-fives and cheering us on as we came in to spend ridiculous amounts of money on phones and accessories. also, they had employees (like my friend, Joe, who is a manager there) going around taking people’s pictures with the iPhone and e-mailing it to them at home. (very cool)

getting the phones was fast. i had mine and my dad’s within 10 minutes of entering the store. but then they had the display models out. we started playing with them and were so overwhelmed with how cool they were that we didn’t want to leave. finally, we jetted out of there and rushed home where we took showers and opened our iPhones in a Christmas-like fashion.

by the way, they’re awesome! i mean.... there are some things that aren’t perfect about them, but on the whole... they’re awesome! i highly recommend picking one up if you have the means.

peace, love and iPhones...

matt

ps... extra kudos to the Apple Store staff. they treated us great and brought out bottled water (not even the cheap stuff... Smart Water™!) and coffee many times over the course of the day.

so, i've been getting many questions and since i put you (whoever you might be) through reading the break-up blogs way back in November and December, i think it's only fair to let you in on what's up now.

in February and March, Stacy and i started talking about what went wrong with us. there were a lot of unanswered questions and there was a huge lack of closure. since we were broken up and had no plans for anything other than that, we were able to be brutally honest with each other. the more we talked, the more we realized that we had a lot of misunderstandings and miscommunications. some of them went all the way back to when we first met.

over the last few months, i've learned a lot about Stacy and about myself. i've learned a lot about us and where we've been and what we've been through and how that has affected us. as this went on, there came a point where it seemed like we needed to either do something with our newfound knowledge and understanding, or go our seperate ways for good. since we clearly haven't done a good job of figuring pretty much anything out for ourselves over the past few years, we decided that we should use what we've learned and see if it would make a difference while we also got ourselves some counseling to see if we could continue what we'd started.

is it different? yes. it's actually very different. it's the best of what we had before and a lot of what we'd both wished we'd had. is it perfect? of course not. it's us.

next week, we start counseling. this is just something that makes sense to me. (why do people wait until they're engaged to do premarital counseling? it's like announcing to the world "we're gonna get married!" and then going to find out if it's a good idea or not. dumb.) obviously, Stacy and i are not at the "getting married" point, but we'd both like to get closer to figuring out whether that's right for us or not.

anyway, i know that some of you will have very definite opinions on this. i know what they are and i appreciate any concerns you might have, but i'm also well aware of them already and don't need to hear it from you. so, i'm gonna ask that we go with the "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" rule on this one.

thank you for being supportive and caring. it's been a very interesting/emotional/crazy/unexpected period of time, but i definitely think that God is teaching both Stacy and i a lot of great things.

love and peace (or else),

matt

being taken advantage of is one of the worst feelings in the world.

the reason for this is that the person being taken advantage of is encheapened* (still not a word, i know) to the point that their value is only as great as that for which they are being taken advantage.

in other words, if you pretend to be my friend so that you can ride in my car, for example, my worth is suddenly equal to that of my car. (not in dollars or anything, but you get the idea.)

people are worth more than cars. people are worth more than a lot of things. in fact, i'd like to think that people are worth more than anything else there is. i mean, what else do we have that is worth what people are?

anyway, so it sucks pretty bad to realize that you're only worth something you have to somebody (even if it's only one person. even worse when it's more.) definitely the downside to having lots of things. it just means that more people can find something you have to equate your value with and therefore, devalue you as a person.

i'm going to try to stop encheapening people to the value of what they have. we all should. it's not nice to do. it's not a good feeling. nobody likes it.

"goodnight... and good luck."**

-matt


* the word "encheapened" was coined by the creators of Strong Bad and Homestar at www.homestarrunner.com

** that quote is not, as you might suspect, from the movie "Goodnight and Good Luck" or from Edward R. Murrow on whom that movie is based. it is from Michael Scott from the season finale of "The Office." just wanted to clear that up.

sorry it's been so long since i've written. a lot has been going on lately and i've been processing a lot but didn't want to post until i'd came to some conclusions. this is about one of them.

as many of you know, i started attending church at ROCKHARBOR as of last week. some have been asking why. while there are a lot of reasons, there are two that stand out and that i want to share here. the first has only to do with me while the second has to do with ROCKHARBOR (and me).

over the past months, as i've been going through counseling (or therapy or "happy time with Ted" or whatever you want to call it) i've come to some great conclusions. one of them has been that it's maybe time for me to break out and do something on my own. after college, i came back and worked at the high school that I'd only graduated from four years earlier. after i left there, i immersed myself at the church i'd been at for most of my life (Yorba Linda Friends). in a way, and in certain areas, i've never stepped out on my own to do something that is new and mine. this seems like a good time to do that. and because of the second reason, ROCKHARBOR seems like a great place for me to go.

over the last year, i've been studying Organizational Leadership at Azusa Pacific University. this program is amazing and has caused me to re-evaluate myself, my priorities and the organizations with which i involve myself. these professors are experts in their fields and have years of leadership experience in a variety of areas. (it's funny, cuz a lot of people seem to think that this is very progressive, young and idealistic thinking. however, only one of my professors so far has been under the age of 50. most of these concepts simply come from years of experience with what works and what doesn't, and a lot of it comes straight from Biblical teachings of what a leader should be.) anyway, as i've been learning about how organizations are effectively led and organized and what servant leadership is really all about, i realized that i hadn't really experienced this. it all sounded great in theory, but what about in practice. i thought this until i started to get involved with ROCKHABOR. the thing about ROCKHARBOR is that, in all my experiences with organizations of any kind (churches or otherwise), i've never seen an organization that gets organizational leadership and servant leadership like they do.

now, i'm sure that there are other orgs out there doing the same kinds of things, but i've simply never experienced it at this level from any organization i've had any interactions with. they know exactly who they are, who they aren't, where they're going and how they're going to get there and all of this comes across in everything they do and say. not only that, but they go to GREAT lengths to make sure that every person who comes to ROCKHARBOR knows and understands who they are, what they're about and where they're going.

in fact, when you walk in, there's short brochure that simply asks, "where are we going?" the inside of it gives a concise and very clear overview. in just a few minutes, you can know everything you really need to know about them. (you can check it out on their website too… http://www.rockharbor.org/content/contentpage.aspx?pageid=393) in fact, i have yet to talk to a person there who isn't very clear about and very on-board with their vision and mission. (and i've been asking a lot of people.) not only that, but what they're doing is actively engaging their church and actually changing the world and the community that surrounds them.

if you read my blogs or talk to me at all, you know that i interviewed at ROCKHABOR a few months back for a job. during that process, i asked their HR person to summarize what they're about in her own words. she said, "basically, we want to be so entrenched in the surrounding community that if we were to disappear, the community would feel that loss." at first, I thought this was pretty profound. after i thought about it for a while i decided that it's kind of sad that that thought is so revolutionary. i mean, isn't that what churches should be doing anyway?

as i've had friends who have recently become employed by ROCKHARBOR, i've learned that they are structured in such a way that innovation is inherent and accountability is built-in. they use their time and resources to pour into and build up their staff and volunteers in very intentional ways. they let their congregation know exactly what they expect of them and push them to get outside themselves and "give themselves away."

anyway, i know it sounds like i think ROCKHABOR is perfect. that's not true. i know that, like anywhere, there are problems. however, even in the two weeks that I've been getting involved there, i can plainly see that when a problem is pointed out, they deal with it and that they're open to discussions about what each person (staff or volunteer) can do to make the church even better. there is a very intentional effort there to make things as good as they can be for everyone involved knowing that in the end, it will only serve to make them more effective as an organization.

over the years, i've seen bits and pieces of this in play in various churches, schools and businesses i've been involved with. but, not like this. so, in the end, i guess my second reason for going to ROCKHARBOR is that with my intense interest to learn and grow as an organizational leader, i want to experience this place that so gets what organizational leadership really is and how it works so that I can continue my education outside of the classroom walls of APU.

Yorba Linda Friends will always be my home church and i'll always be apart of what's going on there in some form or another. but for now, i need to explore this so that i might grow into the leader and change-agent that i know God is calling me to be.

-matt

i couldn't decide which fire related song title to use as the title to this blog, but they all fit as do so many others. (runners up included "great balls of fire," "through the fire," "after the fire," and of course, "we didn't start the fire.") all fine choices, though the ones that made the cut seemed most fitting.

in case you couldn't figure out, there was a HUGE fire today in Anaheim Hills. if you turned on the news at all, you would have seen my parent's house very prominently featured. and since so many of you have been calling or leaving messages on my myspace or whatever, i thought i'd give a quick rundown of my day and what happened.

8:20 am - leave for church. notice lots of smoke coming from up by my parent's house. i call, but they don't seem too worried.

9:00 am - Megan shows up at church to let me know that i'm wanted back at the house to help start packing things.

9:05 am - Ella Cork pushes herself up onto the counter in the coffee shop. i walk up behind her to say hi. she doesn't know i'm there and pushed herself back off the counter to get down. again, not knowing i'm there she pushes herself into me, bounces her head off of my chest and into the counter where she receives a nice shiner right under her right eye.

9:05:30 - i feel really bad about this.

9:30 am - arrive at my parent's house. they're supposed to have a baby shower for Lisa Chandler today at noon or noon-thirty or something. they're trying to figure out if they're going to be required to evacuate. we load up the cars just in case and wait. (i also find that the side mirror on the Denali is busted. apparently, my dad was so entranced by the fire that when he was backing up, he failed to notice our house.)

11:00 am - the fire guys tell us we have nothing to worry about but that we won't be able to have the party there because they need the streets to be cleared for the trucks, etc... so, we decide to move the party to the Chandler's.

11:15 am - Nikki and i drive everything down to the Chandler's.

11:20 am - Nikki and i head back to my parent's house. by the time we get there, the streets are closed and everyone is evacuating. as we pulled up to our street, we were greeted by very large flames. (remember... just 20 minutes ago we were told that it was okay and they had it under control. freakin' liars.) they wouldn't let me go up our street, so i drop Nikki of at her car and go to help the Williams' move stuff out of there house. as we're standing in their house, flames approach their backyard.

12:00 pm - i arrive at the Chandler's having gone and got the cake for my mom. i find that my mom's car is having some issues. it seems that so many people were coming up to see the fire and driving like idiots, that one of them decided to illegally u-turn in front of my mom when she was on her way down and she hit them. awesome. even more awesome is that in order to get out of our house, my dad had to drive the Denali through the flames. (he said it was just like in the movies and that it was pretty cool.)

1:00 pm - 3:00 pm - we all watch helplessly from the resevoir above my house (and below my parents') with about 100 other people as helecopters keep refilling and dropping water on the hills around our house. several times during these hours, our house becomes completely surrounded by fire.

3:00 pm - 5:00 pm - during this time we noticed (through the binoculars wonderfully provided by the Jones' who also let us watch much of this from their balcony) that there were in fact trees and bushes on fire in our yard. a while later, a fire truck showed up on our driveway. at some point, my dad decided he was going up there. knowing that he couldn't get up there with a car, he borrowed my Vespa. however, he was stopped at the corner of Serrano and Canyon Rim where he ditched my Vespa and proceeded on foot. knowing that he wouldn't be let up the streets, he climed the hill below the house to get up there. we watched as he tried to fight the fires with a garden hose. this made me laugh a little bit.

5:00 pm - by this point, most of the firest around our house were out. Brett and Doug and i decided to go up and join my dad. we walked up and found the abandoned Vespa on the corner. (thank God she was still there!) and then we followed his lead and climbed up the hill.

5:20 pm - i realize how incredibly out of shape i actually am and almost die climbing the incredibly steep hill.

5:30 pm - 7:00 pm - we spend the next hour and a half putting out hotspots with the garden hose and washing fire retardant off of the walls of the house. several fences are fire damaged. all of the plants and trees along the retaining wall are gone. several of the trees and plants in the yard are burnt badly. and thanks to the fire retardant, our house looks like someone poured pepto all over it. (also, the hills around the house look like a barren wasteland. they're still kinda smoking and all black... it's kinda eery.)

so, that's pretty much it! crazy, crazy day. i think that only two houses were actually lost. (not cool, but better than we'd thought it would be.) nobody was killed. at least we're all alive. we're still not allowed back in the house. (dad has, once again, climbed the hill and snuck back in.) mom and Nikki and Martha are staying with the Chandler's and i have four dogs downstairs. (two of them are most likely peeing or pooping on my kitchen floor as i type this.)

oh yeah... and i saw Ella again this afternoon. she came up to me and i asked her how her eye was and she gave me a big hug, pulled back, pointed at her eye, smiled real big and in the cutest voice ever said... "you did that!" perfect.

let's hope that tomorrow is less memorable.

ps... to everyone who called or texted or posted on here... thank you so much for your concern and offers to help. it really means a lot.

waking up is, for me, not the best part of the day already. i'm a night person. i'm not a morning person. i LOVE my sleep time. since waking up is what marks the end of sleep time, i don't always like it so much. but when things aren't going well, it's even worse.

when i'm upset or depressed or whatever, sleep is my great escape. you know how people always talk about losing sleep over things they're worried or upset about? not me. i usually sleep better when i'm upset about something. it's my chance to get away from it all without going anywhere. which brings me back to waking up.

have you ever had something bad happen or been worried about something or upset about something and then you go to sleep and when you wake up, for a split second you feel fine? you feel like everything is okay, but this is just setting you up for the overwhelming letdown of the next second when you remember how crappy everything actually is right now. and it's just that much more impactful because you had this sorta blissful ignorance that you can have during sleep and that one second after you wake up before you realize it's all not real.

sorta a crappy way to start your day. but, every day gets a little better than the last as you get some distance from whatever event set this whole system into motion. i'm on day three now. life doesn't suck or anything. i know that. i just had a really, really crappy beginning to this week.

i love it when i hear an old song that meant something to me at some point and it all comes rushing back. especially if i haven't heard it in a long time and had forgotten about it.

that happened today. this was a song i heard over and over growing up. my mom used to play this cassette tape over and over in the car everywhere we went. it was Amy Grant's "The Collection" album. if i hear any song off that album, it totally takes me back to when i was like six.

this particular song, however, reminds me more of college. i sorta rediscovered it my freshman year. when you hear a song as a young child, the meaning can be lost. so, when i heard it in college, it was a combination of nostalgia and discovery. now the song has many things associated with it.

anyway, it's a very simple song that serves as a great reminder for me when i get down on myself and feel like i have to be more or do more or whatever.

"All I Ever Have to Be"

when the weight of all my dreams
is resting heavy on my head
and the thoughtful words of help and hope
have all been nicely said

but i'm still hurting
wondering if i'll ever be the one
i think i am...
i think i am

then You gently re-remind me
that You made me from the first
and the more i try to be the best
the more i get the worst

and i realize the good in me
is only there because of who You are

who You are

and all i ever have to be is what You made me
any more or less would be a step out of Your plan
as You daily recreate me help me always keep in mind
that i only have to do what i can find
and all i ever have to be
all i have to be
all i ever have to be
is what You made in me

there are few things in life as wonderful as a great massage. it’s probably surprising for most people to know that i actually don’t splurge on such things very regularly. however, maybe three or four times a year i’ll decide to put down the $60 and allow for the luxury of someone beating the crap out of my back, neck, arms, legs, hands and feet for an hour. (the feet is the best part.)

about three years ago, my mom decided to get me a massage as a gift for my birthday or Christmas or something. anyway, she’d been going to this woman for a long time and hooked me up. upon arriving i was a little... thrown off.

you have to understand... when men think of massages, our minds instantly go to some hot, young asian or swedish girl who we would realistically never have a chance with. this is a very stupid and unrealistic expectation. however, it never fails to occur nonetheless.

on this particular occasion, i was introduced to Anna. Anna was not what i was expecting. she was not a young, hot asian or swedish masseuse. Anna was about 5 feet tall. Anna was also about 60 years old. i wasn’t sure how i felt about this.

the next hour changed my mind completely. Anna was the most amazing masseuse i’d ever met. plus, she was totally cool. normally if the masseuse tries to talk to me during the massage, i get very annoyed. (i just want to relax for an hour... just play the peaceful music and shut up!) but, for some reason, it didn’t bother me with her. she was just that cool and just that good.

i probably visited Anna 7 or 8 times over the next few years. i found out that she actually drove all the way to Orange from Victorville. (sometimes, she sat in three hours of traffic!) i felt like this was stupid and let her know my feelings on the subject.

anyway, last week, my mom was going over to the doctor’s office where Anna worked out of. i asked her to put me down for an appointment as long as she was over there. when i saw her later that day, she told me that Anna had died from cancer back in November.

it’s kinda weird cuz it’s not like i was close to this woman. i don’t even know her last name. but she was one of those constants in life. you know? the things or people you take for granted and just expect to be there.

in any case, Anna was cool. she was this short, old grandmother who could probably kick my butt (judging by the strength of her massages), but was totally sweet and wise and caring. and she loved God. and she knew what that meant. and after you spent any time with her, you knew what that meant too. i hope that someday, people can say that about me too.

so, last weekend, Megan and i decided to go and visit Jody (and family) in Nashville.

Megan totally ditched her classes (as did i), and we flew out on Thursday afternoon. when we left LAX, it was 82 degrees. when we landed in Nashville, it was about 30 degrees. that night it got down to 18!

anyway, we had a really good time just hanging out with the McBrayers there. we really didn't do much at all. we slept in and went for walks and just sat around talking and watching movies.

it's always good to get to see little Sarah-Clayton. she's almost two now and is SO ridiculously cute. we got to play with her a lot and even a bit in the snow on Saturday.



Saturday night it snowed a lot and then the streets kinda froze over. around 10 pm, Megan and i went outside in our shoes and started running and sliding down the streets. i think the people of Franklin, TN must think we're crazy. (at least, based on the looks Jody and Steph were giving us.) but we're Californians and we don't know what to do with ourselves in that kind of weather! so we had fun.



the little community that they live in is called Westhaven and it's AMAZING! it's like track homes, only they don't look like track homes. they're all made to look unique and individual. i never thought i'd hear myself saying this, but i love it there! i go for walks everyday every time i'm there. it's just so beautiful. i'm not much of a nature guy, but i really do love it there.



anyway, there wasn't much point to this blog except to share in the experience. here are some pictures of Megan and me from the plane ride back. enjoy!


- matt

i was talking to my friend Lisa a month or so ago and she was talking about how there are just some people in this world that can bring out the best in you. of course this means that conversely, there are also those that can bring out the worst in you.

so, i've been thinking a lot about this idea lately and i think it's very true. i think that the majority of the people in this world don't cause you to be one way or the other. however, i think that, every once in a while, you meet someone who either brings out the best in you and pushes you to be a better person, or brings out the worst in you and makes you realize how horrible of a person you are actually capable of being. (and trust me, we are ALL capable of being horrible people.) fortunately, i've been blessed with a large number of people in my life over the years who have pushed me to be a better person. but, there have been the occasional friends who have turned me into something i'm less than proud of.

i feel like i've experienced both of those situations lately. and let me tell you... the bad one sucks. it's kinda a mirror to your darkest parts. the good thing is that it shows you the areas of your life you have to guard and defend most heavily. the bad thing is, now you have to guard and defend them.

the thing about the people that bring those sides out of you... it doesn't necessarily make them good or bad people (though they might be). they might just be good or bad for you. but there are definitely some people out there that are just bad for me. i look back at the times in my life when i was around people like that, and those are the times that i've hated myself. i don't blame them. i take responsibility for me and my actions. but part of that responsibility is surrounding myself with good people who will build me up and push me to be a better person and staying away from those who could drag me down.

i want to say thank you to all of you who are those people who don't allow me to be complacent and stagnant. the ones who push me to be a better person. i probably don't tell you enough that i appreciate you. thanks.

- matt

wow... i think i must have gone on blog overload or something. i mean... i was blogging like a freakin' blogging maniac and then just...




nothing.



anyway, i'm back. and i've committed myself to blogging once a week. i think it's good for my soul (or some crap like that).

life is unexpected. well, not life i guess. that's pretty expected. but the things that happen in life. i'm probably in the best place i've been in a long time. (both location wise... in bed right now... and emotionally/spiritually.) my little plan for the new year... it's been working. i feel growth and balance already. it's fantastic! i've come to a place where i've finally been able to realize a few things. here they are, in no particular order:

1. worrying about the future doesn't do anything. seriously.
2. it's okay not to know everything about where you're going and what you're doing. in fact, when you don't and you're okay with that, that's when you suddenly start to figure things out! (weird)
3. i need the new iPhone. now. (it's not shipping until June!)
4. i'm impatient.
5. counseling can be kinda fun.
6. my mountain dew addiction is not something i need to kick... it's something i need to embrace and control. (also, if i drink those cool little half cans, i drink the same amount of cans that i do when i drink the big ones, but i'm cutting the amount of mountain dew i'm actually ingesting almost in half!)
7. you never know what great opportunities are out there until you stop looking so hard and really let God show them to you.
8. i have a strange need to fix things and people. this is good when i'm able to use it to help others. this is bad when i get overly involved and emotionally attached to a situation i have no business attaching myself to. i just end up being irrational and acting very stupidly. i need to find that line in between helpful and stupid.
9. i am passionate about leadership development. i LOVE helping people figure out who they are and what they can do with that. especially when they can figure out how they can use who they are to help others and serve God. that's awesome.
10. i'd like to do that for a job.
11. even though they say they are... my church isn't really looking for that right now.
12. other churches are.
13. is an unlucky number.
14. physical activity sucks... but it's necessary to not be fat.
15. i like Chinese food. (specifically orange chicken or madarin chicken from Panda Express or seasame or honey chicken from anywhere.) this is new for me. i've always hated the Chinese and their stupid food. just kidding. i just hated their food. (but now i don't. hence the existence of point ..15.)
16. the past is in the past. leave it there. seriously... everybody always feels the need to dwell on the past. sometimes, it's just not necessary to dig up old skeletons. what we've done does make up who we are... but just because you did something (or things) that were bad, doesn't mean you're bad now. if you learned from it, it could mean you're better off.
17. i don't go to the movies enough.
18. celebrities with bands aren't always a bad thing. (check out Gary Sinese and the Lt. Dan Band sometime. seriously.)
19. despite the beliefs of most Christians or people who think they have taste or moral character, The OC started out as a good show, hit a few rough patches, but is now excellent again. i'm very sad that it has been cancelled. Seth and Summer (mostly Summer)... i will miss you. (The OC on The CW anyone?)
20. high school students devoted to serving God and serving others (and not selfishly serving their own interests as most high schoolers are in the mindset of doing) inspire me.

okay... there are 20 things that i've recently realized. yes... some of them are random. yes... some of them are shallow and superficial. but, i don't care.

i'm excited about what's going on in my life right now. i'm excited about the amazing possibilities that lie ahead of me. for those of you that are prayers... pray for me in the next few days. there are some really great possibilities on the horizon that could change some things for me in big (and good) ways. i'll keep you posted.

"love and peace (or else)"...

matt

okay... so welcome to 2007. (as though i'm the official host of 2007 who needs to welcome everyone.)

anyway... i've had a lot of time over the past week or so to just think. (which hurts... i just took some advil liquicaps to help with that.) and i've come up with some stuff. mostly, i've decided that it's time for some changes. no more sitting around and waiting for crap to happen. i gotta get back to being an active participant in my life. so, i came up with a plan. i won't go into the details of it here... but it's a well-rounded plan to enhance my life in a variety of areas. basically, i took an objective look at each area of life (physical, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, cultural, etc...) and came up with a specific plan to make each of those areas a little fuller. i mean... strategic planning and leadership stuff is what i do for others all the time. it's time to do it for me.

as you know (if you know me at all)... i love music and songs just jump out at me sometimes. very often these songs are by an Irish quartet you may have heard of called U2. anyway, i was listening to my iPod yesterday and the song "Yahweh" came on. this was not a song that particularly caught my attention when it first come out (on the album "How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb") but came alive in an accousitc version they did in concert. (Check out the "Vertigo 2005 - Live from Chicago" DVD to see what i'm talking about.) anyway, Yahweh is the Hebrew name for God used often in the Old Testament. after hearing this song yesterday, i decided that it is my new prayer.

happy new year, everyone! thanks for everything in 2006... looking forward to everything that 2007 holds.

matt

"Yahweh"

take these shoes
click-clacking down some dead-end street
take these shoes
and make them fit

take this shirt
polyester white trash made in nowhere
take this shirt
and make it clean

take this soul
stranded in some skin and bones
take this soul
and make it sing

Yahweh... Yahweh
always pain before a child is born
Yahweh... Yahweh
still i'm waiting for the dawn

take these hands
teach them what to carry
take these hands
don't make a fist

take this mouth
so quick to criticize
take this mouth
give it a kiss

Yahweh... Yahweh
always pain before a child is born
Yahweh... Yahweh
still i'm waiting for the dawn

still waiting for the dawn
the sun is coming up
the sun is coming up on the ocean
this love is like a drop in the ocean
this love is like a drop in the ocean

Yahweh... Yahweh
always pain before a child is born
Yahweh... tell me now
why the dark before the dawn?

take this city
a city should be shining on a hill
take this city
if it be your will

what no man can own
no man can take
take this heart
take this heart
take this heart
and let it break

Christmas this year was different from every other year in a lot of different ways. if you've been reading my blogs, i'm sure you can guess that part of it had to do with what's been going on in my personal life lately. but today, i'm choosing to focus on the part of Christmas that was different in a good way.

as many know, the Cork family has been living with my parents for the past four months as their house is being remodeled. (as Ella says, their house is "broken." three year-olds have such a great way of simplifying things.) anyway, it's been pretty awesome to have them there. but Christmas took it to a whole new level.

at some point, Christmas started to become sort of a letdown. i mean, when you're a kid, you have all the build-up and anticipation of this holiday that (from a commercial standpoint... though i suppose from a spiritual one as well in a way) is all about you. what would Santa bring me? what would my parents get me? what would i get to eat? what would our family do? and on and on.

but, as we grow older, the excitment... the magic... it grows less potent. we remember the excitement of Christmas days past, but the present never seems to match it. at least, not for me. that is, until now.

my family decided that we'd do all of our presents on Christmas Eve so that Christmas morning would be all about the kids. for the first time in years, i got caught up in the excitement. only this time, from the other side of the Claus (as it were). i played with the kids on Christmas Eve and helped build the anticipation for the next morning. i stayed up late with Matthew and Mardi and my family and we carefully placed each gift that Santa brought the three kids. (as is quite predictable, some assembly was required as i put out Ella's Little People Castle with drawbridge action and trumpet sounds.) i grew anxious for the next morning as i hadn't in years as we decided upon the optimal placement for these gifts in order to illicit the greatest amount of joy, surprise and excitement from the kids the next morning. it was fantastic!

Matthew and i made the stupid mistake of staying up until 1:00am in the jacuzzi. this was stupid of course because children like to get up REALLY early on Christmas morning to rush downstairs and find what Santa has left for them. the ironic thing though was that i was so excited for them to come down, that i woke up about every 1/2 hour during the night as i slept on the couch because i wanted to make sure that i didn't miss a single thing. in the end, i was up at 6:00am waiting for them and they didn't come down until 7:00. (apparently, my dad got caught up in it too. he was up at 5:45.)

of course the moment came... the children came down. Nolan saw his Nintendo DS and literally fell over with excitment. (just as i did at his age, he quickly disregarded any clothing gifts without even so much as a glance.) Sophie was elated about her rollerblades and her (somewhat creepy) doll whos hair and makeup she can do over and over with the included accessories. and Ella... well, she was so caught up in the excitment of the day that it didn't really matter what she got. seeing her dolls and her Little People Castle with the drawbridge action and the trumpet sounds just added to it. and when she saw the ballerina outfit... well, let's just say she went from pajamas to naked to ballerina in about 24 seconds.

i had more fun just taking pictures and sitting back and watching them tear through it all than i think i ever had being on the receiving end when i was a kid.

when i was little, i remember thinking how boring it must be for parents on Christmas Day. they don't get much (besides clothes and house stuff that nobody wants). they just get to watch the kids get all the good stuff. my perspective has changed a bit over the past 20 years. parents are lucky... i think they actually get the better end of the deal. i can't wait until i get to have Christmas with my own kids.

the rest of Christmas was a little more normal. the family came. we had way too much food. i ate way to much of the food. and, of course there was the inherent sadness of it being the first holiday in several years without Stacy. but, all-in-all... being able to focus on the kids made up for (or at least distracted me from) the things that were missing.

anyway, i hope your Christmas was as good (or better) than mine and that you were able to feel as blessed as i was.

matt

ps... the "you know... for kids!" in the title of this blog is from a movie called "The Hudsucker Proxy" which is this quirkly, great movie about the invention of the hoola-hoop. check it out if you get the chance.

so, last night i think i was kinda confused. i think i confused fatigue for lonliness or depression or something. cuz when i wrote that last blog, i was feeling all down and whatnot and i though it was only like 9:00pm.then, about ten minutes after i wrote it, i looked over and realized it was after 11:30. and i was like "oh... maybe i'm just tired" and promptly fell asleep. anyway, i apologize for being so depressing if you read that blog.

anyway, i've got a new favorite song that i wanted to share. it's by Gnarls Barkley and it's called "Smiley Faces." it's got a great feel to it and all, but its got great lyrics too. (except maybe the bridge which sounds cool but has kinda dumb lyrics.) it's basically about a guy seeing someone who has had a rough life but who's still smiling and enjoying it all. (kinda the same message as "Beautiful Day" by some Irish band whos name i can't currently recall.) anyway... lyrics below.

"Smiley Faces"

what did you do?
what did you say?
did you walk or did you run away?
where are you now?
where have you been?
did you go alone or did you bring a friend?
i need to know this
cuz i noticed you were smiling
out in the sun having fun
feeling free
and i can tell you know how hard this life can be
but you keep on smiling for me

what went right?
what went wrong?
was it a story or was it a song?
was it overnight or did it take you long?
was knowing your weakness what made you strong?
or all the above?
oh how i love to see you smiling
and oh yeah... take a little pain just in case
you need something warm to embrace
to help you put on a smiling face
put on a smiling face

don't you go off into the new day with any doubt
here's a summary of something you can smile about
say for instance my girlfriend she bugs me all the time
but the irony of it all is that she loves me all the time

i wanna be you whenever i see you smiling
because it's easily one of the hardest things to do
your worries and fears become your friends
and they end up smiling at you
put on a smiling face

-----

something for us all to aspire to, i'm sure.

have a great night and keep smiling...

matt

i’m lonely tonight.

that is all.

of course U2 was awesome. but this may have been the most bittersweet experience of my life. Kit was a great traveling companion, but, as he said last night, he wasn't "as good as the cute, Asian girl."

the trip started off alright enough. we got up at the buttcrack of dawn on Saturday and drove to LAX (both Kit and i on about 3-4 hours of sleep). we tried to sleep on the plane, but were surrounded by noise-making children. 5 1/2 hours later... we got to Honolulu.

after a quick lunch at Cheeseburger in Paradise (not as good as the one on Maui), we made our way to Joe's friend's house where we were staying. when we got there, we both crashed for about 2 hours which turned out to be a really great thing. Julie (Joe's friend) was way cool and totally took care of us. in fact, it turns out that she had agreed to drop some friends of hers off at the concert (and pick them up), so we now had a ride and wouldn't have to pay for a cab.

turns out the friends of hers had asked her to drive because they were planning on partying it up before the show. by the time we picked these four girls up, they were pretty well plastered. (strangely, as we talked to them, we learned that, despite looking about our age, they each were in their mid to late 30's and married with children. yet they often referenced how often they partied together.) after a long car ride (traffic was bad) that was offset by the very entertaining spectacle that was these girls, we finally got to the show.

it was fantastic, of course. you could tell that the band was having a blast and totally letting loose for their last show. Pearl Jam was the opening act, and they came back out for an encore with U2 of Neil Young's "Rockin' in the Free World." Billie Joe Armstrong from Green Day just happened to be there and so came up for a duet on "The Saints Are Coming" (the song U2 and Green Day recorded together recently). and all of this was awesome and amazing... except for one thing. Stacy wasn't with me.

i tried to focus on the show and on the night and everything. and, at times, i was able to do that and just enjoy it. but those times were few and far between. most of the time i was thinking about how she should be there with me. this was our show. we'd been planning it forever.

a month ago, when she and i were talking about how we needed to start having some of the "hard conversations" about our relationship that we'd been avoiding and about how we needed to start figuring things out... i was very tempted to keep avoiding it for another month so that i could be sure that we'd be able to enjoy this trip togther still. maybe that would have been wrong... and maybe a weekend/event like this is good for making me move forward... i don't know. i just know that i wish she would've been there. it just wasn't the same without her.

so, to finish up the story of this trip... this morning, we slept in until about 9:30. the cab was coming to pick us up at 11:00 for a 2:20 flight. (they thought there would be bad traffic with the marathon going on.) well, we got to the airport in about 15 minutes! so we were three hours early for our flight. Kit and i got checked in and went to the food court where we figured we'd just hang out until we had to go.

i think we both thought that three hours would be a really long time. well, we started talking and eating and hanging out and the next thing we knew, i looked down and realized it was 2:00. our flight was leaving (from the other side of the airport) in 20 minutes. so, we grabbed our things and started making the trek across the airport. we arrived at our gate just in time to see the plane pulling away. (seriously.)

so, now we're like... "crap... what are we going to do?" well, we got put on standby for the next flight. unfortunately, the next flight wasn't until 10:30 pm. also, it looked like it was full and we weren't guaranteed a spot. we HAD to get home though because Kit has a final in the morning. so, after some quick internet work, i found out that there was only one other flight going to LAX between 2:30 and 10:30. it was an American flight leaving at 3:50. so, i called my dad (because he has a million miles with American and is like platinum or something over there)... and he made some calls and got us on the flight. so, we booked it over to that gate just in time to get on the flight and come home.

anyway, that was our weekend. now i have a day at home and then i'm off to Nashville for four days. from the warm tropics to the freezing midwest in 48 hours. life is crazy and i'm going to bed. i miss my best friend.

goodnight world.

matt

"and i miss you when you're not around" - U2 ("City of Blinding Lights")

ps... for those of you who have DirecTV, they're actually showing an hour's worth of the Milan show from the Vertigo Tour everyday on Channel 101 this month. it's in HiDef (if you have it) and it's worth checking out. it's an amazing tour and different from the indoor arena tour they did here last year.

as some of you know, tomorrow i'm heading to Honolulu for the last stop on the U2 Vertigo Tour. it's been such a crazy/weird/dramatic/sad trip and i haven't even left yet.

first... there were four of us going and it was in April. me and Stacy and two of our friends. then the tour got postponed. so that trip didn't happen. and we waited... and waited... and waited... for months to find out when it would be rescheduled.

then they announced it... Dec. 9th was the rescheduled date. we were very excited about this. until about a month ago when we got an e-mail from our friends saying they weren't going to go. but they didn't mention anything about the tickets at all. so, Stacy called them and found out that they'd already put the tickets on ebay, which we didn't think was very cool. they said that since they'd lost money on their airfare, they needed to make money on the tickets. knowing that Stacy and i couldn't simply go alone without causing a minory controversy (we do work at a church!), they offered to sell the tickets back to us for $50 more than we originally paid for them. (i had originally bought the tickets together and they paid me for them.) we thought that it was a little ridiculous that our friends (who had already bailed on us and put us in a bad situation) would then try to rip us off by selling us the tickets that we already bought back at a higher price. so, we declined and haven't really talked to them since. (the irony in all of this is that i can't imagine that they made any money on the tickets as there are still tickets of similar quality available for the regular price on ticketmaster.)

so now we have two tickets to the U2 concert and nobody to go with us. as we're processing how we should proceed, the next bit of drama hits and we break up. now, on top of mourning the loss of my relationship/friendship/life as i knew it, i've got two U2 tickets and nobody to go with. i wasn't even sure i should go. but, i felt like it would be the perfect chance to get away from the chaos of my life. i felt like i needed this. i've lost my friends. i've lost my girlfriend. this was all i had to look forward too. plus, i felt like if i'd asked Stacy, she would have insisted that i went. so, i was now, more than ever, determined to go.

so, i invited Brett. he couldn't go. i invited Megan. she couldn't go. i invited Joe. he couldn't go. i invited Jody. he couldn't go. i invited Kyle. he couldn't go. i invited Jonas. he couldn't go. i invited Adam. he couldn't go. then there was Kit... Kit said he could go!

so, last weekend, i booked the flights for Kit and i. we were to fly out Saturday morning and fly back on Sunday night on the redeye. but then Kit called me back... he had forgotten about his Monday morning grad school final. ahhhh! fortunately, there was an earlier flight that day and i got us changed over to it.

you'd probably think that's the end of the story... you'd be wrong. last Sunday i start checking into finding a room. remember... we only need one room for one night! the ENTIRE ISLAND IS BOOKED! not one single room. none. apparently, in addition to the thousands coming in for the U2 concert, there's some huge marathon going on too. fortuntately, i have friends who have friends who live in Honolulu.

so, tomorrow morning, Kit and i will depart LAX for Honolulu where we will arrive at 2:00, see U2, spend the night in some strangers' home, sleep in (i hope), get some lunch, and get on a plane at 2:00 on Sunday to come home. 24 hours in paradise. out of control.

i love U2 and i'm very excited for this concert... but holy crap. was this worth it? and i'm still sad that i'm not going with Stacy. this was supposed to be our trip. :-(

pray for us!

trying to make the best of a bad situation...

matt

two weeks ago right this minute... we were sitting right there (i'm looking at a spot on the floor in my room) when it happened. ever since then, as you already well know, my life has been a blur of confusion. this has been well documented here on my myspace blog (as well as my other blog that nobody really reads). normally, i would think what many of you probably think (and what i know some of you think as you've shared it with me... thank you) which is the fact that so openly sharing my life on myspace is borderline loser-ish.

however, due to the lack of regular companions in my life at this time, my blogs have been a great source of therapy for me. (really... they have!) but, today i had some thoughts about the situation that have caused me to rethink this blogging trend.

Stacy has asked me to not have any contact with her because that's what she needs in order to move on. i have done my best to make this happen. however, i know that she reads these reguarly. (hi) i guess i just worry that my writing these things is not helping her to let go. really... all i want is for her to be happy. and i know she isn't right now. if me not writing about these things can help her to get past this and be happier, then it's what i need to do. besides... come to think of it... it may not be helping me to let go either.

so... i'm not going to stop blogging like i normally do. that is to say, i'll blog sporadically about other things in life. but, i'm going to try and not talk about her and any pain i might be experiencing as a result of our break-up. i'm not over it... far from it. but, i've said everything that i can say to the point of repetition. is it really doing any good? i don't know. maybe for me. but i feel like it might be doing harm as well. and i don't want that.

so, for the last time for a while... here's how i'm feeling today in regards to Stacy:

i can't believe it's been two weeks. much like a week ago, in some ways it feels like a day... in some ways it feels like two years... in no way does it feel like two weeks. i can already see the good that God is bringing from this situation. i just wish it didn't come along with so much pain and loneliness. i think i've grown and learned more about myself in the past two weeks than i have in the past year. (which just reaffirms my theory that personal growth in relationships is pretty difficult to accomplish. but that's a whole other thing.) i miss Stacy terribly.

i actually saw her today from across the parking lot at church. she didn't know i was watching. only the second time i've seen her since we broke up. i just wanted to hear her say "hi" even. or just a hug. but she got in the car with Melissa and drove off to lunch. even Denise (who i was talking to at the time) could tell that it got to me.

i watched Heroes tonight.... an amazing new episode... and all i kept thinking was how much i wish we could have watched it together. she loves Hiro! (and, of course, during Studio 60, i missed the times that she would fall asleep because that's apparently what anything Aaron Sorkin related does to her.) ;-)

i miss my friend. i wish we could at least still be that. at least, on some level. maybe... hopefully... someday. until then... i'll just keep praying and living. the best that i can. one day at a time.

goodnight.

matt

ps... you know that if you ever need anything... someone to talk to... anything at all... i'm still here. and that goes for everyone else who's reading this too.

so... one of the reasons i've been having such a hard time with this whole thing (and this is just one of many) is that since there was no warning that the end was coming, i didn't know that the last time we did things was going to be the last time we did them.

little things. like going to lunch with our friends after church on Sunday. (we do it pretty much every week.) or going to dinner on Saturday nights. or eating sushi. or going to Target. all the things i've already posted about. usually, when you have a major transition in life, you see it coming. you prepare yourself. but we didn't get that.

i remember last year when we decided to take some time apart from each other, we decided to have one last night out. it was a little awkward at first because we both knew that when it was over, we were going to go our seperate ways for a while. but, after a bit, it ended up being one of the most fun nights we've had. i'm sure that's one of those things that was harder for her, but made it easier for me.

this morning, i knew she was down in her room at church. i'm so used to just going down there to see her that i kept almost doing it without thinking. it was instinctual.

anyway... those are my random thoughts for the day.

-matt

i went to my parent's for dinner tonight. (big shock!) as i was watching last week's Boston Legal (Matthew hadn't seen it yet), and playing with the kids all night... i kept checking my cell phone. i don't know why, but i somehow got it in my head that since she called randomly last Sunday night, maybe she'd call again tonight. i thought of this on Friday and i've been looking forward to tonight ever since. how dumb. not so much dumb that i was excited about her calling... but that i, for no good reason, convinced myself that it was going to happen. i don't even know what we'd say... i just miss the sound of her voice. i worry about her and how she is doing.

is it selfish or stupid that sometimes i worry that she's doing better than i am? i should hope that she is. i mean... a large part of me... most of me even... hopes that she is. i want her to be doing well. i want her to be happy. i want her to find the distractions in our friends that i'm not able to find. in fact, i want that so badly for her that i regularly call/text/e-mail our friends to make sure that they're taking good care of her. but... you know what they say... "misery loves company." part of me doesn't want to think that she's actually doing as well as i hope she is. i guess that's kinda sick.

anyway... my laundry is done. i have to go and switch loads now. (clean underwear, shirts and towels are important!)

goodnight my friends.

matt

ps... tonight, when i was playing with Ella, she asked if Stacy was coming over. i told her "no." she looked at me and said "i miss Stacy." i said "me too." and she gave me a hug. it couldn't have been any more bittersweet.

pps... if you like old hymns at all (and who doesn't?) :-), check out Avalon's new hymns record. i thought it sounded lame at first too... but they did some really cool new stuff to some really deep old songs. you can check it out on iTunes or buy it in a store. it's called "Faith: A Hymns Collection."

i'm bored and i'm in the market for some new friends that i can hang out with on regular basis. sitting around does not help with any of the things i'm dealing with. doing things does. plus, it's annoying and unproductive (or is it non-productive? i can't believe i used to be an English teacher.) just puttin' it out there.

by the way... i found this Christmas song about two years ago. it's by a guy named Ron Sexsmith (poor guy must have gotten made fun of a lot as a kid) and it's one of my favorites now... short, simple and great.

"Maybe This Christmas"

maybe this Christmas will mean something more
maybe this year love will appear
deeper than ever before

and maybe forgiveness will ask us to call
someone we love
someone we've lost
for reasons we can't quite recall

mmm... maybe this Christmas

maybe there'll be an open door
maybe the star that shined before will shine once more

and maybe this Christmas will find us at last
in heavenly peace
grateful at least
for the love we've been shown in the past

ooh... maybe this Christmas.
mmm... maybe this Christmas.

(this was the song played during the last scene in the Chrismukkah episode of the 2nd season of The OC... probably the best episode of that show ever.)

tonight was the first time i've been back working with the kids at church since the breakup. it was weird. to do that without her... it was weird. it felt wrong. worship went okay... then after that... while i was teaching... i sorta felt like the room was closing in on me. it had to be my worst lesson ever. Stacy wasn't there tonight (she had the night off), but to be in her room, on her stage... teaching and leading worship without her. it just... it didn't feel right. plus, these kids (who i adore) kept asking where Stacy was. i had to say "i don't know." obviously, they don't have a clue that we broke up. (they probably didn't know we were together in the first place.... kids are slow sometimes!) but it was strange to say that i didn't know where she was and then realize that i really didn't know where she was.

anyway, after church on Saturday nights, we usually go to dinner. a lot of the time we go to Mimi's or go out with my parents or something. church ended and i really didn't know what to do with myself. do i go home and be alone on a Saturday night? do i call anyone i can think of to desperately make plans? before i could decide, i ran into Phil and Tammy who have been trying to get me to try this Italian place they love in Fullerton. so, Phil, Tammy, my parents and another older couple went on over and had dinner. it was fun (Phil and my dad together usually are pretty entertaining)... but hello? i'm hanging out with my parents and two couples that are their age! this was my Saturday night fun. this is why i'm in the market for new friends. i'm accepting applications now! somebody save me from hanging out with couples in their 50s!

anyway, the food was good and i ate too much and now i feel like i could totally hurl. (does anyone say "hurl" anymore?) i'm really tired too... so i think i'll hit the sack early (10:45 is WAY early for me) and try and get a little caught up on my zzz's. (not that i snore. well... some say that i do. but i think they're full of crap.)

goodnight...

matt

i guess i shouldn't be numbering the days since we broke up. i think that it probably makes things worse... like it's the center point of my life or something. i mean, right now... it feels like it is. but eventually, it wont/shouldn't be. anyway...

Stacy posted a blog the other day about all the memories we have together. it was one of those really funny and really sad all at the same time kinda blogs. (it was mostly accurate with a few small exceptions.) i guess i've been thinking a lot about that kinda stuff too. though, i think for me... the focus has been more on the things that i normally do with her that i now have to do without her.

almost every week for the past 2 1/2 years, Stacy and i went to Target together. we discovered Corner Bakery together and ate their often. she introduced me to sushi and we had it very regularly. we watched a lot of TV and movies together. at night, if one of us went to the bathroom or something, the other would hide somewhere in the house and try to scare the crap out of the one who was in there when they came out. we drove everywhere together. we went shopping at Fashion Island and South Coast Plaza pretty regularly. we worked at church together. we went to musicals and plays. we went to lunch several days a week together. we had dinner together almost every day. we sat up talking about and solving the problems of the world all the time. we went to the movies. we played with the Cork kids. we went to concerts and listened to a lot of music together. we talked about going to the gym and then went to do something else anyway. we went on vacations together. we hung out with my family. we supported each other when things sucked and celebrated when things were awesome. in case you're not getting the point, we did everything together. we lived life together.

so, life is very different now. all these things that i couldn't imagine doing without her... now i'm doing them without her. Target wasn't the same without stalking her up and down the aisles and amazing her with my stealth-like abilities. not going straight to her cubical when i come into the office goes against every instinct in me. shopping is boring. Corner Bakery and sushi are lonely and empty. life in general is less full.

i hope she's doing better. (hopefully being surrounded by friends is a helpful distraction.) not that i'm doing horribly... i'm actually doing better than i thought i'd be. (i am REALLY bored which just gives me more time to think, unfortunately.) it just takes some MAJOR getting used to. it's giving up a whole way of life. it's giving up apart of your identity. it's looking at the world in a new way. i know it will get easier. in some ways, it already has. but... i still miss her a lot. and it doesn't matter if i take down pictures or if i remove her from my myspace or whatever... because i'm surrounded by the memories of us everywhere. it's just something i have to deal with.

most of all though... i just miss talking to her.

matt

ps... despite what she might say, i actually am a good liar and she believed a good number of my stories (mountain cooling machines... Joe loves Dawn... and more). also, it was i who did the majority of the waiting outside dressing rooms while shopping. not her. the rest of what she said was pretty much true.

as you probably know, i've been talking about seeing a counselor. i figure, i've convinced so many others to do so over the years, i probably should give it a go myself.

as you may also know, i've been filling my spare time (of which i have much these days) with the second season of one of my favorite shows, "Boston Legal."

anyway, i was watching episode 23 of season 2 entitled "Race Ipsa" (sad that i've gotten that far in 9 days) which starts off with Denny Crane (William Shatner) in a therapist's office. it was one of the funniest scenes on the show and i can only hope my trip the counselor goes so well.

anyway, check it out if you get a chance. if you haven't watched "Boston Legal," you should. it's one of the funniest shows ever. buy the DVDs. or borrow mine if you'd like. totally worth it.

matt

when i was in high school (my jr. and sr. years) i was kinda a mess. all depressed and whatnot. but then i got over that and realized that God is in control if i'll let Him be and that He can do a much better job of dealing with crap than i can because He can see the big picture that i can't.

fast forward about 5 years. i think pretty much everyone who knows me knows how much i love U2. in 2000, they put out "All That You Can't Leave Behind" (a fantastic album). one of the songs on there really hit me and i always said i wish i'd had that song back when i was in high school.

this morning, i randomly heard the song for the first time in a while. it's called "Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of" (long title). it was perfect timing to hear it again.

just so you know... things are getting better. i'm figuring things out that i needed to figure out. things about myself. things about my relationship with Stacy. things about my relationship with God. thanks for your support and your comments. here are the lyrics to the song...

"Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of"

I am not afraid of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard
I'm just trying to find a decent melody
A song that I can sing in my own company

I never thought you were a fool
But darlin', look at you
You gotta stand up straight
Carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere, baby

You've got to get yourself together
You got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it

I will not forsake the colors that you bring
The nights you filled with fireworks they left you with nothing
I am still enchanted by the light you brought to me
I listen through your ears and through your eyes i can see

You are such a fool to worry like you do
I know it's tough and you can never get enough
of what you don't really need now... my oh my

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it
Oh Lord... look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it

I was unconscious... half asleep
The water was warm till you discovered how deep
I wasn't jumping... for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your ways should falter
Along the stoney pass
It's just a moment... this time will pass.

trying to get unstuck...

--matt

today was a pretty good day. more stable. i stayed pretty much the same all day.

the only sad part was driving home from school. since i started grad school at APU, i've never made the drive home without talking to her on the phone all the way. it was very strange to just sit in the car.

anyway... i don't have much else to say i guess. tomorrow i have a meeting at the church to talk about them hiring me. (after 2 1/2 years of talking about it... NOW they want to offer me a job. fantastic!) pray please.

-me

should be short today.

today was the inverse of yesterday. started off as the worst day yet. woke up feeling like i'd been hit by a truck. panic attacks... spontaneous outbursts of crying... the whole works.

went to lunch with some good friends who let me just talk. that really helped. talked to another friend after that. came to some realizations. of course, these realizations cause me to question everything that i've done and everything that i'm doing. but... at least i feel like i'm making some progress.

this afternoon was good. had a meeting at the church. it was the first time i'd been in the offices since we broke up. a little strange to know that she was right behind that wall. hard not to go and plop myself down in the chair in her cubical like i always do. but, good to be able to go there and not have the world end (as was my fear, of course).

right now i'm feeling a lot of anxiety. but it's better i think than before.

i decided last night (and again today) that i'm going to visit a therapist. i've never done it before but i think i should. i have some issues that i'm discovering and didn't necessarily realize or want to admit before. i think i use certain situations as distractions (emotionally) so that i don't have to deal with the reality of my situation. of course, in the end, reality always gets ya. because of that, i also have some guilt issues.

it would be good for me to have someone to talk to. someone who is not biased and will tell me the things i don't necessarily want to hear. i have a lot of questions right now. a lot. i need someone to help me find the answers. i'll let you know how that goes.

thank you to my friends for being my friends even though it may be awkward or strange to be so at this time.

on the edge of sanity...

matt

tonight will officially be one week. it's weird... in some ways, it feels like just yesterday. in other ways... feels like a year ago. in no way does it feel like a week ago.

i really thought today would be better. i mean... it started off better. i talked to Stacy very briefly last night (her choice, not mine). and while it may have made things worse for her (i really hope not)... it really helped me. i even woke up today feeling better about things despite the rainy weather. but, i guess as the day went on, that feeling began to fade.

today was "try to move on with my life" day. i decided that working from home isn't the most effective thing for me. so, i've hijacked an empty office at my dad's company where i can go a couple of days a week to get things done. i went out there this morning and started working on some stuff for FIGURE and Revolution and school. it started off well, but by this afternoon, i couldn't focus anymore so i left.

everywhere i went today, i saw gray honda civics. do you know how many people drive gray honda civics? seriously... they're everywhere. she drives one. i kept seeing them today and it kept reminding me. over and over and over.

the next thing i know, i'm walking in the door to my house at 4:00 where i spontaneously start crying again and having, what can only be described as a panic attack. what the hell? i didn't even see that coming. it just happened. (that's really not normal. at least, not for me.) maybe it's because it's been a week. maybe it's because i keep wanting to believe that i'm okay and i'm moving on with my life and i'm really not. maybe it's because i can't move on because i have no idea what to move on to. new friends? i don't want them. i like my old friends. the church wants to hire me. can i work there? can i even go there anymore? i could put my efforts into my house remodel. but, am i going to live here? if not, we're certainly not going to spend the money on remodeling. i've put so much time and effort into planning this remodel... but maybe i should just move and get away from here. what's holding me back? it seems like there's nothing here for me anymore. but, i don't want to leave. i'm not ready to give up my life yet. it's MY life. MY friends. how can it all just be gone overnight?

i'm sure i'm overreacting. i really, really hope i am. some of you have said that i shouldn't be sharing these thoughts on myspace. if you feel that way then... don't read them. maybe it's lame that i do. maybe it's stupid of me to be broadcasting my feelings. i'm sure it is, actually. but this is what i have right now. so, for now... i'll just keep writing until this goes away. or until i do. at some point, something's gotta give. and i have a feeling, it's not going to be the gray civics.

--matt

today was a rough day. actually, it started last night.

i went down to pick up the jeans that i had to have altered. the ones that Stacy and i picked out last week. (the ones that are on her credit card and i have to pay her back for... i haven't forgotten.) i picked them up and looked down the way and saw the sushi place that we always ate at. i think i've only eaten sushi without Stacy once in my life (and it was because she was out of town). i felt like i needed to do this. so, i went in and ordered my tuna roll and a mountain dew and sat down alone. this was the most utterly empty meal i've ever eaten. i didn't not enjoy it. but, for some reason, i felt like it had to be done.

today was my first time at church since it happened. i didn't know what to expect and, therefore, did not properly prepare myself. i'm not a big cryer at all. it's not that i think i'm too macho or some crap like that... i just don't cry much. before this week, it had been over a year since i'd cried about anything. i mostly got it out of my system on Tuesday. i cried a bit on Wednesday afternoon and very briefly on Thursday (Thanksgiving). but since then, i've been better. until today.

i saw her performing this morning in church. i saw all of our friends and family. i saw her sister and her mom and the kids. i saw a glimpse of my life without her there. Chino (that's what we call her little nephew who's not quite 2 years old) saw me. he jumped from his mom's arms into mine and said my name. (one of his favorite words for some reason.) he wouldn't let go. Leilani (his sister who's only about 4 months old) smiled and laughed for me like she always does. Erin (Stacy's sister) said that he's always asking for me. then i had to give him back to his mom and say goodbye. at this point i'd already teared up several times that morning. then, by accident, i saw Stacy.

i didn't mean to. i turned around and she was just there. down the hall. she saw me. we didn't say anything. too painful (?) for me, it was more painful not to. but, like in so many areas, she and i are very different.

see... for Stacy to move on, she has to completely erase me from her life. if i hadn't already known this about her, i'm sure i would be offended. by the day after we broke up, i was nowhere to be seen on her myspace page... i'm sure that any pictures of me in her room or office were gone... she had to make me go away so that she can move on. the problem is... that's not how i deal with things. i need to remember. i need to deal with the pain and difficulty of having her in my life but not. i'd give anything to be able to just sit down and talk with her every once in a while. share a meal. just... be.

it's stupid. it's definitely not the smart way of dealing with it. i entitled this blog "amputee" because that's what i feel like. it's like we were joined at the heart slowly over time and now we have to unjoin. i have to become separated from this part of me. of course, the smart thing would be to make a clean, quick cut. get all the pain out of the way as quickly as possible and take it apart. that makes sense. that's what Stacy needs. but for me, i'd rather slowly undo it and move apart. it doesn't make sense. but, i'm an idiot and that's how i work.

so, the pictures are still up. she's still on my page. maybe it's a bit of denial. maybe it makes me feel like things are still a little bit normal for just a second when i log on and hers is the first face i see at the top of my friends list. i don't know. i have to hold on to those things a little bit because i can't hold onto her at all. she needs the clean break. and, above all, i want her to be happy. so, i'll give her whatever she needs.

today was tough. my little Ella (our friend's daughter who's 3 years old) told me that she had no hugs for me... only for Stacy. she looked like she was going to cry when she said this. (she doesn't understand why Stacy's not around anymore and is angry with me i think.) for the first time in a very long time... i left church without Stacy. we didn't go to lunch together. we didn't come home and take a nap on the couch together. i went down to see "Sweet Charity" (the musical) at the Orange County Performing Arts Center. it was the first show i've seen there without her in a long time. (i had to be the one to point out that "that's where Jeff works" to my roommate who couldn't care less.) i almost broke down in the middle of the show once or twice. i looked over next to me and forgot that she wasn't sitting there with me.

they say that amputees' minds sometimes mess with them and they can feel "phantom" sensations in their amputated limbs (even though they don't have them anymore) like they're still there. i totally get that. even though she's gone... i still feel like she's a part of me. i think, in some way, i always will.

-matt

as a quick addendum... there are a lot of other things going on in my life right now too that just add to the chaos of feelings. some of them are things that i'm struggling with (the future, career stuff, personal stuff) and some of them have little to do with me and have more to do with watching other friends of mine wrestle with some pretty major stuff. if you have a moment and are so inclined, please throw up a prayer or two for me, Stacy and my friends.

i appreciate everyone's support more than you can possibly know and i'm sure Stacy does too. if you're one of "our" friends... please just keep loving on her and taking care of her in whatever ways she needs.

crap. now i'm crying again.

ps... (if you can have a "ps" to an addendum) if you haven't heard the song "Bad Dream" by Keane... it's fantastic. actually, everything by Keane is pretty fantastic.

"i wake up... it's a bad dream. no one's on my side. i was fighting, but i just feel too tired to be fighting. guess i'm not the fighting kind. wouldn't mind it if you were by my side, but you're long gone... yeah, you're long gone now."

people always ask dumb questions like that. i think i probably used to as well. but last night, i got a whole new perspective on it.

last night was my 10 year high school reunion. it was very surreal. i saw a lot of people i didn't necessarily want to see. i saw some people that i did. i had the same conversation about 50 times. "so... what have you been up to?" also known as "please summarize the last 10 years of your life in about 30 seconds before i lose interest and move on to the next person i don't particularly care about." it was actually kinda entertaining.

some of the people are exactly where they were 10 years ago. some have made something of themselves... some have not. some have families... most didn't. some of the groups that i saw leave together at the end of high school... they showed up together last night. that's a little strange for me because i, very quickly, moved on from high school never to look back. i'm not judging... good for them that they found their lifelong friends at age 16. i did not.

but it got me thinking... i remember graduating from Lutheran High School of Orange County way back in 1997 and thinking, "i wonder what it will be like at my 10 year reunion." it was not too different from what i had envisioned for everyone else... but not for me. i never questioned that i would be there with my wife and that we would probably have a child at home. i never questioned that i would be knee deep in a successful career of some sort. i never questioned that i would have made so much progress in 10 years that the many "less than motivated" peers that i graduated with would just have to be impressed. it's funny that i never questioned those things. i guess i should have.

am i really so different at 28 from the person i was at 18? i mean... sure. i've grown up. i've changed. i've had a million life experiences that have brought me to where i am today. but... i'm still trying to figure out what i'm going to do. i'm still looking forward to the wife and the family life. and, of course, to make it all worse... i just kinda started it all over this week. i mean, any progress that i'd made toward those things just sorta fell by the wayside.

so, while i'm not out partying and clubbing with my high school friends like many of the people i saw last night (and thank God i'm not), am i really that different from them? they're doing the same things they were doing 10 years ago... and so am i. i'm still here. i haven't really moved. (and i'm not talking about geography.) did i just waste a decade? i don't think so. but maybe i did.

what a traumatic week. WAY too much to think about. so much more than i've even shared. i am overwhelmed. but i can't let myself be bogged down in self-pity. i'm giving myself until Monday to do nothing and allow myself to process. as of Monday, i'm going to start figuring my life out. it's time. i don't know where i see myself in 10 years... but it sure as hell ain't here.

first things first... happy thanksgiving to everyone! i hope that you all are truly enjoying your holiday and have much to be thankful for. (in fact, i really hope you're not reading this on your holiday and it is, in fact, over at the time you're reading this.)

before i say what i want to say for today... i have an apology to make. i've obviously been sad lately. however, i know it's not the end of the world. i guess i just want you (whoever "you" might be) to know that i'm okay. sometimes things suck... and i know you all know that. but there is also much good in life. lately i've been blogging about the sucky and i'm sorry for focusing so much on the negative. but, you know... i have a lot to be thankful for. (which brings me to my thoughts for today.)

i am SO incredibly thankful for the past 2 1/2 years with Stacy. she changed me and my life in amazing ways. she walked with me through everything and allowed me the privelage of walking with her through the fire on several occasions. even with the way i've been feeling this week, i wouldn't go back and trade a day of it. the relationships i have now because of her, the experiences we had together, the support that we were for one another, doing ministry together, encouraging one another, the vacations we took, the trips to Disneyland and San Diego and everything else... i'm thankful for it all. i don't regret it and i definitely do not look at it as 2 1/2 years lost. i gained so much. i had the best, best friend i could ask for. i'm lucky i got to have her for as long as i did.

i also have a lot of other things to be thankful for. my family, friends, church, God, life, this world, mountain dew, great tv, the internet, tivo, apple, steak, potatoes (mashed or baked), rainbow sandals, electricity, my car, sushi, school, smart people, dumb people, in between people, the smell of rain on the pavement, the fact that i live in a place where i don't get to smell that too often, snow, microwaves, pizza, water, jeans, shoes, U2, and much much more. so, Thanksgiving actually came at a perfect time this year. it's probably the first Thanksgiving that i've actually spent some time thinking about what i'm thankful for.

i'm feeling better today. i was doing pretty well actually, until i decided to show one of my relatives the FIGURE video we did a few weeks back which, very prominently, features Stacy. (if you haven't checked it out, you should. www.figureonline.com/figure/media) i know this is the right thing... i just miss my best friend. she's a pretty cool chick.

happy thanksgiving everyone. love to you all.

yesterday was sad. today is numb. at least it was until a few minutes ago.

i've become so overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts that i think my brain has just stopped me from feeling them. there is so much good in my life and in the world and yet i feel like my universe just exploded.

i lost my girlfriend and my best friend in the same instant. there wasn't even a build up to it. we went to dinner. we had a great night. we had fun. and then it was over. my whole life was pretty much her for the past 2 1/2 years. i don't even know what to do with myself right now.

i lost my friends too. i mean, i know they're still there for me and that they still care and all... but realistically, it's not going to be anywhere near the same. they were hers first and they still all work with her. we can't be together right now, which means somebody has to be left out and it's going to be me. it should be me. i don't want to steal her friends from her. i want her to be surrounded by friends who can take care of her and love on her and make her feel loved and special and important. but that's a double-edged sword. that means i don't have them. so, i can't see how our random Disneyland trips, or lunch every Wednesday (and most other days too), or Grey's Anatomy every Thursday night can happen anymore. on top of all of that, the one person in my life who totally understands me and who i could talk to about anything (because we are essentially the same) got married a few weeks ago and so i lost that connection. (and rightfully so.) at least before i met Stacy, i had a 70-80 hour a week job that took up my time. now... how do i fill my time? i mean, sure... there are things that i do and am working on (FIGURE, Revolution, church stuff, house remodel and school) but there is now a HUGE void that i just don't know how to fill.

so now, i have a useless Disneyland pass. (i'm not going to go by myself... even though Jen would.) the shows i used to watch with Stacy and our friends, i now hate watching because i watch them alone. i eat alone and all my favorite places remind me of her. i have no distractions. i start to wonder... can i have a life here? do i need to go away and start over someplace else? i don't want to make new friends. i like my friends. i don't want to find a new church. i like my church (most of the time). i don't want a new routine... i like my old routine. i don't want a new best friend. i miss my best friend. until a few minutes ago, i was completely numb.

now, all of a sudden, there are tears in my eyes again. (i really thought that was over.) i never cry. before this week, i hadn't cried in over a year. how lame. what the hell is wrong with me? i liked being numb better.

by the way... i know i have my family and i know i have many amazing friends who care about me. (if you're reading this, you're probably one of them.) family is great, but is not supposed to substitute for friends. it complements friends. and the great friends that i have aren't apart of my regular daily life. i love them and i appreciate them. but they can't fill this void either.

i hate the word "just." people say "just" all the time. "just do the right thing." "just do what God is telling you to do." "just be patient." "just be strong." "just." like it's easy. like those things are so easy to do that i have no excuse for not doing them.

i'm sad. i wake up as though from a horrible dream and feel like someone is sitting on my chest and telling me to "just breathe." i'm overwhelmed. i can't deal with the onslaught of emotions i'm experiencing. the loss. the pain. the confusion. the lonliness.

i try to go through the motions of my day. try to act somewhat normal. i go to the store to buy toothpaste (cuz i'm out). even that sucks. i walk down the aisle to some really crappy love song. i get my mentadent whitening and think "really? i came all the way down here just for this?" as i check out at the register the girl asks me "how are you today?" she doesn't really want to know. (people who ask rarely actually want to know.) as i say "fine" i wonder if she can tell. i wonder if she has any idea. i think about all the people that come through her line all day that she asks "how are you today?" and wonder how many of them are lying to her when they say "fine" and wonder whether she knows or cares that they're lying.

all i want to do is call my best friend. all i want to do is share this with her like i've shared almost every experience with her over the past two and a half years. but i can't. she can't be my best friend anymore and i can't be hers.

"just" doing the right thing is not easy. "just" following where God is directing can be excruciating.

i know this isn't like me. i know i'm the optimist or at least the realist and the one people depend on when they get like this. but it's my turn. maybe just for a few days. i don't know. i'll get through it. i'll be fine. i know that. i "just" miss my friend.

so... every once in a while i'll do these dumb surveys when i'm bored. it's been a while so here's one for ya to enjoy or ignore.

130 Random Questions

When was the last time you cried?: well, it was about... i mean... um... i'm a man... men don't cry!
Have you ever faked sick?: of course... thank you Ferris Buehler
What was the last lie you said?: "i'm going to bed"
Have you ever cried during a movie?: like a baby when i was watching... i mean... no! ... of course not!
Who was the last person you couldn't take your eyes off of?: Rachel Bilson
Have you ever danced in the rain?: sure
Have you ever been drunk?: nope
Have you ever tried tried drugs?: niet
Do you smoke?: no
What's the farthest you've ever gone on a dare?: i don't know but i'm sure it involved not wearing clothes.
What is your full name?: matthew morgan barnes the first, the last and the only
What is your blood-type?: i think B-... but who knows. (i do know that that's the grade i got in intro to math. i'm a math retard).
Have you ever been in a car accident?: a few
How old were you when you recieved your first kiss?: first real kiss was the summer before my freshman year of high school
Who was your first kiss?: her name was Jen
Have you ever had an online relationship?: i don't think so
Have you ever had phone-sex?: like anyone who had would broadcast that publicly here... i feel as though it would be a little embarassing.
Have you ever been rejected by a crush?: sure
What is your favourite sport to play?: i like to ski in the snow
Have you ever made a prank phone call?: that's a dumb question... if anyone had not made a prank call in their lives, they are not living a life worth living. (ps... if you haven't... i'm not advocating suicide.)
Have you ever said "I Love you" and not meant it?: unfortunately
What's your favourite childhood memory?: finding ways to fill long summers
Is there anything that you have done that you regret?: well, normally i'm not a big regrets person... but some things that hurt other people i regret.
What do you want to be when you grow up?: a kid
What is your political persuassion?: moderate... how can anyone label all of their views into one category. that's just ignorant.
Have you ever had cybersex?: this is sorta like the phone sex question.
Do you believe in g-d?: if by "g-d" you mean God... then yes i do.
Do you believe in love at first sight?: yeah... why not?
Do you believe in karma?: yeah... but the cool thing about God is that He's got grace which travels outside of karma and sorta destroys it.
Who was your first crush?: the girl down the street when i was five.
Who do yo uhave a crush on?: i sorta like this girl named Stacy.
How would you describe yourself?: average
What are you afraid of?: the boogeyman. oh... and cats, clowns, mustard, dr. pepper, cornnuts, people from Texas or Arkansas, country music, mullets and broccoli
Are you religious?: not a big fan of that word... but yeah.
What does your screen name mean?: it means the end of the world is coming on March 3, 2032. or maybe it's my initials and last name plus my favorite number. what do you think it means?
What person do you trust the most?: i trust a lot of people. probably more than i should.
Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend?: my first REAL girlfriend was Michelle Jordan. we broke up at the Homecoming Dance.
What is the best compliment you have ever recieved?: "you're awesome!" and i've been saying to myself ever since.
What is the meanest thing anyone has said about you?: this one girl who hated me told everyone i was gay. (actually, i ended up going out with two girls who wanted to find out if it were true. so, that kinda worked out for me.)
What is the longest crush/relationship you have had?: 2 1/2 years (on and off)
What is your greatest strength?: that i know and understand myself pretty well and keep trying to know and understand me more.
What is your greatest weakness?: i'm totally not patient. i'm also not organized. my room's a federal disaster area right now.
What is your perfect pizza?: cheese... i like First Class Pizza a lot.
What is your first thought when waking up in the morning?: "holy crap, you've got to be kidding me"
What is your first thought before you go to bed?: "goodnight God... goodnight me."
What college do you want to go to?: hmmm.... well, considering i spent 7 years at Pepperdine and a year at Azusa already... i don't know that i need to add another one to the list.
Do you get along with your family?: yup
Do you play any instruments?: the kazoo and the egg shaker. wanna start a band?
What kind of music do you like?: anything but rap and country
Do you think you're attractive?: ehh
Would you ever get a tattoo?: i have one
How many piercings do you have?: none
Who makes you laugh?: lots of people... Jody's pretty damn funny.
Who would you want to be tied to for 24hours?: Rachel Bilson.... i think i love her today.
Have you ever seen a dead body?: yeah
Do you have a celebrity crush?: have you not been reading this?
What is one thing scientists should invent?: teleporting or beaming or whatever they call it. i wanna be somewhere and i wanna be there NOW! (see? not patient.)
Have you ever broken a bone?: my toe... holy crap that's painful and there ain't anything you can do about it.
What happens after you die?: up or down. me? up.
Do you watch or read the news?: does the Daily Show and the Colbert Report count?
What stereotype would you label yourself as being?: a dork.
Would your friends agree with that stereotypic label?: oh yeah.
If yo ucould change your name, what would you change it to?: Phoebe already kinda stole "Princess Consuela Bananahammock" so... maybe "Bob." it's the same backwards and forwards. easier for dyslexic people.
If you could go back in time to one point in your life, where would you go: college... for sure. sophomore year. awesome.
If you could change anything about yourself, what would you change?: the fact that i have 40 extra pounds of luggage with me at all times.
Have you ever gone skinny dipping?: yes... but in my case, it's just called "dipping"
Have you ever played strip poker?: yes.. and strip Speed!
Would you ever lie to someone to make them feel good about themselves?: i would bend the truth to do that.
What do you want your friends to think about you?: that they know me and can trust me completely.
Whats the biggest argument you've ever gotten into?: ah... i remember it now. May of 2004... Matt Barnes vs. Gregg Pinick. good times.
HAve you ever bitten someone?: as often as possible.
When's your birthday?: today!!! 09/09/1978
Have you ever stolen anything?: i'm sure i have but i can't think of it.
Do you make wishes on shooting stars?: no... i make out when i see a shooting star. you should too!
Whats the most you've ever eaten in one sitting?: two words: RIO BUFFET... it was a lot!
If you could go back and change one day, what would it be?: the day i didn't back up my old computer before it died and lost everything from 9th grade through Grad School
Do you remember your dreams?: sometimes
Have you ever been in love?: yes... a few times.
Are you a morning person or a night person?: night... but i wish i were a morning person. those bastards always make me feel bad about myself.
Do you have any phobias?: i can get claustrophobic on occasion.
What's the meanest thing you've ever done to someone?: i'm not reallly a mean person.
Have you ever been to the hospital (other then birth?: to visit others.
How many screen names do you have?: one
Do any medical problems run in your family?: i think high blood pressure or something
Have anyone ever been disowned from your family?: not really... my grandpa disowned my cousin... be we all thought that was stupid and ignored it.
Have you ever had a nightmare?: ding ding ding! we have a winner! that is officially the dumbest question on this list!
Do you say meaner things to your friends or your enemies?: probably my friends... i'm very sarcastic.
Would you ever participate in a threesome?: probably not.
Would you ever pay for a prostititue?: no... if i had a gift card? maybe.
Have you ever mooned or flashed someone?: yes... yes i have.
Have you ever cheated on your bf/gf?: no... no i have not.
Have you ever laughed so hard you peed in your pants?: no.... no i have not.
Have you ever written a love letter?: yes... yes i have.
Have you ever attempted suicide?: no... no i have not. (this is getting old)
Do you prefer boxers or briefs?: boxer briefs actually
Have you ever been in a fistfight?: yes.... and i lived.
Do you have any hidden talents?: no... my talents are on full display for all to see.
What is one thing you want me to know about you?: my name. don't you hate it when people forget your name. actually, that really doesn't bother me. it's when i forget other people's names. that sucks.
What is one question you wouldn't want me to ask?: probably something to do with science or math.... i don't do science or math.
Do you usually prefer books or movies?: movies.
Who is your favourite person to talk to?: me.
Who is always able to cheer you up when you're sad?: me.
Would you ever have sex before marriage?: no. i've waited 28 years now... i think it would be dumb to give up at this point.
Who do you talk to most on the phone?: probably Stacy.
Do you have a secret that yo'ure ashamed of?: don't we all?
Do you prefer british or american spelling of words?: i like the British... they were first.
Have you ever gotten detention?: yes.
How do you vent your anger?: i like to kick small children or animals.
Have you ever been on a diet?: sorta.
Would you ever date someone younger than you? Older than you?: yes and yes. and i have done both.
Is your best friend a virgin?: no... he's married. his wife is pregnant. i feel as though they might have done it.
What's a rumor someone has spread about you?: that i was gay.
What's the kinkiest thing you could ever actually see yourself as doing?: two words: Bungee Sex (just kidding... i don't even know what that means.)
What's the meanest thing anyone has ever done to you?: told me i was going to have a steak dinner and then given me pizza instead.
What's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you?: given me the steak dinner.
Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental illness?: self diagnosed... but not officially.
Have you ever cut yourself on purpose?: no... i'm not that numb to pain.
Have you ever wanted to murder someone?: something perhaps.... damn cat.
Have you ever hated someone?: yes. boyfriends that treat their girlfriends like crap. you know who you are!
Do you prefer talking on the phone or online?: either.
Do you consider yourself popular?: i'm well known.... but mostly cuz i don't give people a choice. (YOU WILL KNOW ME!)
Would you ever tell the person you have a crush on that you like them?: if i meet Rachel, i'll let her know.
Have you ever had a crush on an enemy?: yeah... and that's weird.
Have you ever had a crush on a best friend?: yeah.
What is your favourite book?: "Green Eggs and Ham"
Do you have a collection of anything?: DVD's... thousands of them.
Are you happy with the person you are becoming?: i think so.
Are you a different person now then you were 5 years ago?: um... i've just grown... i don't think i'm different.
What do you see yourself as being in 5 years from now?: alive... hopefully!
Are you happy with the life you have?: yes.

today was not my birthday (though it is coming up soon). no... today was just an ordinary Friday. i had a dentist appt. this morning... some meetings this afternoon... nothing too special. until "it" happened. that one word.

"SURPRISE!!!!!"

yeah... i thought i was just going up to my parents house for dinner with the fam and some friends.... but there were like 50 people there instead and they were all there for one purpose... free food. oh yeah... and celebrating my birthday.

now, i've never really had a suprise party like that though i've always wanted one. when i graduated from high school, my parents threw me a surprise grad party with like 120 people at a really nice place... but somebody told me about it ahead of time and the surprise was ruined. (i still have not forgiven her for that.) anyway, because of that... i've always wondered how i would really respond.

apparently, dumbstruck is the word to be used. i think i stood there like a complete moron for about five minutes cuz i was freakin' in shock. but it was awesome.

i love the show "Scrubs" and so Stacy (my awesome, party-planning girlfriend) planned a "Scrubs" themed party complete with an IV hanging from a chandlier, cups of pills (Smarties) everywhere, a huge picture of the cast of "Scrubs" with my face replacing Zach Braff's (hilarious), games of "Operation" lying about (watching my dad try and play when he thought nobody was looking was quite entertaining), and plastic hospital urinals filled with apple juice.

plus, a ton of my friends and family were there and it was pretty much perfect. so, thanks to everyone who came and helped plan and/or decorate for my party. thanks to Stacy and Jen and my fam for putting the thing on for me. thanks to Brittany and Maggie (Margaret) for staying up until 1:30 watching "Scrubs" on DVD with Stacy and me and just hanging out. and thanks to all the losers who were invited but didn't come. (i'll expect your excuses in writing by Tuesday morning and they'd better be damned good.)

anyway, i have great friends and family. thank you all. and if you see me walking around, drinking out of a plastic hospital urinal that looks like it's filled with pee... just laugh. life is good.

oh... and if you weren't invited... it's not my fault.

there was one event that i've been looking forward to for months now. i planned my school schedule around it. i planned my life around it. i was going to see U2 do their only stadium show in the US in Honolulu in April. and then it happened.

last night, U2 posted on their website that the rest of the dates on their Vertigo '06 Tour have been postponed due to a family illness.

now, i'm sure that this must be something pretty bad for them to cancel 10 concerts taking place in four countries (Australia, New Zealand, Japan and the US), and i really pray and hope that whoever is really sick gets better... but this sucks!

so now, i must pray specifically that whoever is ill gets better within the next week or so. that way, the band can say "just kidding... we'll reschedule the dates we missed but we'll do the rest now!" otherwise, i gotta figure out what to do with these plane tickets!

i've become one of those people i hate. you know the ones. they complain about school and how they just can't wait to be done with it. and then they finally finish and what do they do? they sign up for more! and we think "what idiots! why would you want more of that?" i know. i get it. i'm that guy now.

i'm not proud to be that guy. but here i am. and as horribly cheesy as it sounds, i found a program that i'm just interested in. there isn't some great practical application that i'm doing this for. it's just that i found something that i really want to learn more about. sure, it can be used in a lot of areas and will, no doubt, be useful in whatever future (and present) ventures i plunge head-first into... but mostly, i'm just interested. so... what the hell? why not get another masters? do i need two masters degrees? probably not. but i'm doing it anyway!

so... on February 8th... i go back to school to get my Masters in Organizational Leadership (that's leadership for organizations not for getting organized... that would take nothing short of a miracle and direct intervention from God himself) at Azusa Pacific University. the worst part... the classes are from 4.45 in the afternoon until 9.30 at night!!! (um... that's just short of five hours.) i'm gonna die.

dear friends...

today is the last day of something i challenged myself to do two weeks ago. for the past two weeks, i have been on an all-juice diet/cleanse/fast/detox thing. (that's the official terminology.) yeah... it's true. i haven't eaten anything in two weeks! now, i tell you this not to brag or gloat (though i am quite impressed with myself right now) but to warn you.

yes... it's a great excersise in discipline. and yes... i have lost around 15 pounds. and it's true that there's something spiritual about it that seems to kinda help clarify a bunch of stuff. but there are some definite problems with this concept.

1. fresh squeezed juice gets old!!! i mean, really. there are only so many combinations of apple, grape, orange, pineapple, pear (which is the best, by the way), rasberry, tangerine and strawberry juices that you can try. and, after a while, they really all start tasting very similiar. (although, with my very own juicer, i feel like that guy on the infomercials in the middle of the night who clearly should be dead of old age but is still juicing his way to the ripe old age of like 140. maybe i could live forever. hmmm.)

2. even though the first two days are hell on your stomach and your psyche, the rest of it is mostly psychological. but sometimes you feel like you're going crazy! ("i feel like i'm on crazy pills!!!") you probably know how much i love my food. (if you don't, well... first you don't know me. and second, the answer is... a whole-freaking-lot!) yeah... well, it was pretty much on my mind a lot of the time because i just missed the taste. tasting things is wonderful and taken for granted. people always ask whether you'd rather be blind or deaf. i'm glad that tasteless isn't an option. and now i think i understand the cravings of pregnant women. i was craving the most random stuff at the most random times. (one minute i want pizza, the next it was sushi and the next it was the gnocci with the tomato cream sauce from Grazzianos.)

3. finally, and here's the bummer i'm dealing with currently, you can't just have the meal you've been dreaming of for two weeks when the thing's over. apparently, it takes several days to slowly come off your fast before you can eat normal foods. otherwise you get real sick. (last night i dreamed the i forgot and ended the whole thing with a big steak dinner and just as i finished, i realized what i had done. luckily, i woke up before i found out about the getting sick part.)

so, i went from posting a recipe for the most amazing sandwich you'll ever have to not eating for two weeks. i don't know what's wrong with me. (i went from frying everything to juicing everything. not as fun, i gotta tell ya!) i'll probably do it again sometime. it is supposed to be very cleansing for your system and, i have to say, i do feel healthier. anyway, i think that next time i'll do it for like a week instead. anyone wanna join me? :-)

ummm... yeah. so, this weekend, somebody (Melissa) commented that i hadn't posted a good, creative or entertaining blog in a long time. i hadn't realized how long it's been. i don't know what's wrong with me, but i find that i have had a disturbing lack of creativity lately.

so, please forgive me for posting stupid surveys or lame online test results. i want my creativty back! maybe i just haven't been inspired by anything lately. i don't know. anyway, if you have any suggestions, please feel free to pass them along. in the meantime... i'll just continue to not be entertaining in any way.

"i had the feeling it was out of control... i was of the opinion it was out of control..."

most of you probably don't know that those are words from a very old U2 song (their very first single from back in 1979... i was one year old. you probably weren't yet born.)

Bono said that the song was about waking up one morning and realizing that the two biggest events in your life (your birth and your death) have nothing to do with you. you have no control over them. (yes... i know... suicide would void that statement, but generally speaking it's true and a little weird to think about.)

i usually think that there is nothing in our lives that is completely out of our control. i mean, it seems like you can always do SOMETHING to change a situation or whatever. but right now, i feel like things are happening that are out of my control. there's nothing that i can do that wouldn't just make things worse. and i hate it.

control freak? yeah... maybe. it runs in the family. i feel like my life has been a series of events consisting of me trying to take control and God smacking me upside the head and saying "you're an idiot!" and yet, here i am again... pissed cuz i'm out of control. and the cycle continues...

ever feel like your head is going to explode? i have. right now, in fact. it's so out of my character to let go of things. if you know my family at all, you probably can realize that control freak tendencies are instilled at the genetic level if you're a Barnes. so, though things are very cool and exciting (as my last blog indicated), i'm also having a really hard time not knowing what's going on or where things are going. i don't know why i'm telling you this. just one of those nights i guess!

sorry that my blogs have been so serious lately. (i think i've been listening to too much Coldplay or something.) i'll try and come up with something interesting and funny to say soon. thanx for reading.

have you ever just KNOWN that God is working in your life? like, things just start working together and you know something big is coming? you don't know what it is or what He's up to exactly, but you know He's moving? it's like the whole of the cosmos is working together to show you something that only He could.

that's my life right now. it's not even big, huge things... but it's just something i feel. something i know. i don't know the answer. heck... i don't even know the question! and, as much as part of me wishes i knew exactly what it was He was up to, another part of me doesn't care cuz i know it's gonna be great.

where we going? i don't know. just along for the ride.

okay... so, if you know me, you know that i am the pickiest eater in the world. but you know what, i tried something new the other night and, i'm shocked to say, i really liked it. i am now a fan of sushi! of course, it couldn't be that simple with me, could it? no. the problem is that i don't like spicy food or avacados and i'm allergic to shrimp. (an allergy i've only developed in the past year... which sucks cuz i LOVE shrimp!) so, i got this caterpillar roll thing and had him make it without avacados and i got a tuna roll and i totally loved it and now want more. i can only imagine how good it would be if followed by an icy cold Mountain Dew. mmmm.