"gray civics everywhere" (day seven)
Monday, November 27, 2006 Filed in: my life
tonight will officially be one week. it's weird... in
some ways, it feels like just yesterday. in other
ways... feels like a year ago. in no way does it feel
like a week ago.
i really thought today would be better. i mean... it started off better. i talked to Stacy very briefly last night (her choice, not mine). and while it may have made things worse for her (i really hope not)... it really helped me. i even woke up today feeling better about things despite the rainy weather. but, i guess as the day went on, that feeling began to fade.
today was "try to move on with my life" day. i decided that working from home isn't the most effective thing for me. so, i've hijacked an empty office at my dad's company where i can go a couple of days a week to get things done. i went out there this morning and started working on some stuff for FIGURE and Revolution and school. it started off well, but by this afternoon, i couldn't focus anymore so i left.
everywhere i went today, i saw gray honda civics. do you know how many people drive gray honda civics?
seriously...
they're everywhere. she drives one. i kept seeing
them today and it kept reminding me. over and over
and over.
the next thing i know, i'm walking in the door to my house at 4:00 where i spontaneously start crying again and having, what can only be described as a panic attack. what the hell? i didn't even see that coming. it just happened. (that's really not normal. at least, not for me.) maybe it's because it's been a week. maybe it's because i keep wanting to believe that i'm okay and i'm moving on with my life and i'm really not. maybe it's because i can't move on because i have no idea what to move on to. new friends? i don't want them. i like my old friends. the church wants to hire me. can i work there? can i even go there anymore? i could put my efforts into my house remodel. but, am i going to live here? if not, we're certainly not going to spend the money on remodeling. i've put so much time and effort into planning this remodel... but maybe i should just move and get away from here. what's holding me back? it seems like there's nothing here for me anymore. but, i don't want to leave. i'm not ready to give up my life yet. it's MY life. MY friends. how can it all just be gone overnight?
i'm sure i'm overreacting. i really, really hope i am. some of you have said that i shouldn't be sharing these thoughts on myspace. if you feel that way then... don't read them. maybe it's lame that i do. maybe it's stupid of me to be broadcasting my feelings. i'm sure it is, actually. but this is what i have right now. so, for now... i'll just keep writing until this goes away. or until i do. at some point, something's gotta give. and i have a feeling, it's not going to be the gray civics.
--matt
i really thought today would be better. i mean... it started off better. i talked to Stacy very briefly last night (her choice, not mine). and while it may have made things worse for her (i really hope not)... it really helped me. i even woke up today feeling better about things despite the rainy weather. but, i guess as the day went on, that feeling began to fade.
today was "try to move on with my life" day. i decided that working from home isn't the most effective thing for me. so, i've hijacked an empty office at my dad's company where i can go a couple of days a week to get things done. i went out there this morning and started working on some stuff for FIGURE and Revolution and school. it started off well, but by this afternoon, i couldn't focus anymore so i left.
everywhere i went today, i saw gray honda civics. do you know how many people drive gray honda civics?
the next thing i know, i'm walking in the door to my house at 4:00 where i spontaneously start crying again and having, what can only be described as a panic attack. what the hell? i didn't even see that coming. it just happened. (that's really not normal. at least, not for me.) maybe it's because it's been a week. maybe it's because i keep wanting to believe that i'm okay and i'm moving on with my life and i'm really not. maybe it's because i can't move on because i have no idea what to move on to. new friends? i don't want them. i like my old friends. the church wants to hire me. can i work there? can i even go there anymore? i could put my efforts into my house remodel. but, am i going to live here? if not, we're certainly not going to spend the money on remodeling. i've put so much time and effort into planning this remodel... but maybe i should just move and get away from here. what's holding me back? it seems like there's nothing here for me anymore. but, i don't want to leave. i'm not ready to give up my life yet. it's MY life. MY friends. how can it all just be gone overnight?
i'm sure i'm overreacting. i really, really hope i am. some of you have said that i shouldn't be sharing these thoughts on myspace. if you feel that way then... don't read them. maybe it's lame that i do. maybe it's stupid of me to be broadcasting my feelings. i'm sure it is, actually. but this is what i have right now. so, for now... i'll just keep writing until this goes away. or until i do. at some point, something's gotta give. and i have a feeling, it's not going to be the gray civics.
--matt