"'just' sad"
Tuesday, November 21, 2006 Filed in: my life
i hate the word "just."
people say "just" all the time. "just do the right
thing." "just do what God is telling you to do."
"just be patient." "just be strong." "just." like
it's easy. like those things are so easy to do that i
have no excuse for not doing them.
i'm sad. i wake up as though from a horrible dream and feel like someone is sitting on my chest and telling me to "just breathe." i'm overwhelmed. i can't deal with the onslaught of emotions i'm experiencing. the loss. the pain. the confusion. the lonliness.
i try to go through the motions of my day. try to act somewhat normal. i go to the store to buy toothpaste (cuz i'm out).
even that sucks.
i walk down the aisle to some really crappy love
song. i get my mentadent whitening and think "really?
i came all the way down here just for this?" as i
check out at the register the girl asks me "how are
you today?" she doesn't really want to know. (people
who ask rarely actually want to know.) as i say
"fine" i wonder if she can tell. i wonder if she has
any idea. i think about all the people that come
through her line all day that she asks "how are you
today?" and wonder how many of them are lying to her
when they say "fine" and wonder whether she knows or
cares that they're lying.
all i want to do is call my best friend. all i want to do is share this with her like i've shared almost every experience with her over the past two and a half years. but i can't. she can't be my best friend anymore and i can't be hers.
"just" doing the right thing is not easy. "just" following where God is directing can be excruciating.
i know this isn't like me. i know i'm the optimist or at least the realist and the one people depend on when they get like this. but it's my turn. maybe just for a few days. i don't know. i'll get through it. i'll be fine. i know that. i "just" miss my friend.
i'm sad. i wake up as though from a horrible dream and feel like someone is sitting on my chest and telling me to "just breathe." i'm overwhelmed. i can't deal with the onslaught of emotions i'm experiencing. the loss. the pain. the confusion. the lonliness.
i try to go through the motions of my day. try to act somewhat normal. i go to the store to buy toothpaste (cuz i'm out).
all i want to do is call my best friend. all i want to do is share this with her like i've shared almost every experience with her over the past two and a half years. but i can't. she can't be my best friend anymore and i can't be hers.
"just" doing the right thing is not easy. "just" following where God is directing can be excruciating.
i know this isn't like me. i know i'm the optimist or at least the realist and the one people depend on when they get like this. but it's my turn. maybe just for a few days. i don't know. i'll get through it. i'll be fine. i know that. i "just" miss my friend.