"if i were the President of the United States..."
Tuesday, July 05, 2005 Filed in: random
musings
President Matthew M.
Barnes' first presidential press release:
dear citizens...
there are several issues that, as president, i feel i must address before dealing with lesser issues such as foreign policy, the war on terror and world hunger. they are as follows:
1. when did the people of this great country forget how to drive? if the speed limit is 65, please do not drive less than 75. if you must, please stay in the far right lane (aka... the "retard lane"). from this day forth, driving less than 10 miles per hour over the speed limit in the fast lane is punishable by death.
2. restraunts: if you advertise a particular item of food or beverage, please actually have it available. those not complying will be immediately desimated by an arial strike force. (Hard Rock Cafe of CityWalk, you have 24 hours to get your Mountain Dew dispenser fixed.)
3. as they have been scientifically proven to be pure evil incarnate, cats are no longer welcome in our country. all cats must be either deported or destroyed within the next week. (if you wish, the government will collect your cat to be unleashed against our enemies at no additional charge.)
4. car companies: you're making our country look bad. all the cool cars come from Europe and all the dependable cars come from Japan. GM is hereby ordered to produce some cool, dependable cars within the next 6 months or all American auto creation will be stopped.
5. as of August 1, 2005, CBS will cease to exist. they have continually produced the suckiest shows of the past decade. there will only be two major networks that will be officially recognized by this government and they are NBC and ABC. FOX can stay as it continues to create unique and subversive content (ie- "Arrested Development"); UPN will continue to serve the minority viewers who still think that "Moesha" was a quality program; and the WB will continue to produce over-written, over-acted and over-hyped programming geared toward high school girls such as "Everwood," "Gilmore Girls," and "Summerland."
6. as an addendum to number 5, ABC is hereby required to find a better timeslot for "Alias" in the coming season. (also, please make sure that this whole "i'm not really Michael Vaughn" thing doesn't end up stupid. oh... and as the president, i demand to know what's down the hatch on "Lost" and i mean now.)
7. free TiVos and TiVo service for everyone. watching your TV shows exactly when you want to is every American's God-given right.
8. as of January 1, 2006, all PCs will be abolished and replaced by Macs. anyone using a PC after this time will be shipped off to join Bill Gates and the rest of the Microsoft crew on the imaginary island of Tonga (which, i believe, he actually owns).
9. the new "offical beverage of the USA" will be Mountain Dew. anyone caught talking trash on Mountain Dew will be deported to Arkansas.
10. we're getting rid of Arkansas. next weekend, we'll be placing an add in the paper for any country that wants to buy themselves a new state. we don't expect any takers.
thank you for taking this time to listen to these suggestions (demands). i know that, together, we can maybe make this a kinda great nation once again.... possibly. (we may have to get rid of Texas though too.)
dear citizens...
there are several issues that, as president, i feel i must address before dealing with lesser issues such as foreign policy, the war on terror and world hunger. they are as follows:
1. when did the people of this great country forget how to drive? if the speed limit is 65, please do not drive less than 75. if you must, please stay in the far right lane (aka... the "retard lane"). from this day forth, driving less than 10 miles per hour over the speed limit in the fast lane is punishable by death.
2. restraunts: if you advertise a particular item of food or beverage, please actually have it available. those not complying will be immediately desimated by an arial strike force. (Hard Rock Cafe of CityWalk, you have 24 hours to get your Mountain Dew dispenser fixed.)
3. as they have been scientifically proven to be pure evil incarnate, cats are no longer welcome in our country. all cats must be either deported or destroyed within the next week. (if you wish, the government will collect your cat to be unleashed against our enemies at no additional charge.)
4. car companies: you're making our country look bad. all the cool cars come from Europe and all the dependable cars come from Japan. GM is hereby ordered to produce some cool, dependable cars within the next 6 months or all American auto creation will be stopped.
5. as of August 1, 2005, CBS will cease to exist. they have continually produced the suckiest shows of the past decade. there will only be two major networks that will be officially recognized by this government and they are NBC and ABC. FOX can stay as it continues to create unique and subversive content (ie- "Arrested Development"); UPN will continue to serve the minority viewers who still think that "Moesha" was a quality program; and the WB will continue to produce over-written, over-acted and over-hyped programming geared toward high school girls such as "Everwood," "Gilmore Girls," and "Summerland."
6. as an addendum to number 5, ABC is hereby required to find a better timeslot for "Alias" in the coming season. (also, please make sure that this whole "i'm not really Michael Vaughn" thing doesn't end up stupid. oh... and as the president, i demand to know what's down the hatch on "Lost" and i mean now.)
7. free TiVos and TiVo service for everyone. watching your TV shows exactly when you want to is every American's God-given right.
8. as of January 1, 2006, all PCs will be abolished and replaced by Macs. anyone using a PC after this time will be shipped off to join Bill Gates and the rest of the Microsoft crew on the imaginary island of Tonga (which, i believe, he actually owns).
9. the new "offical beverage of the USA" will be Mountain Dew. anyone caught talking trash on Mountain Dew will be deported to Arkansas.
10. we're getting rid of Arkansas. next weekend, we'll be placing an add in the paper for any country that wants to buy themselves a new state. we don't expect any takers.
thank you for taking this time to listen to these suggestions (demands). i know that, together, we can maybe make this a kinda great nation once again.... possibly. (we may have to get rid of Texas though too.)